LIVING UNDER THE GUN AND BREAKING FREE Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

I awoke with a start to tough hands grabbing the hair at the back of my neck.
"Get up and make love to me," my three-hundred pound violent husband gruffly ordered.


The next thing I knew, Steven threw the full weight of his body on top my shoulders and head. Before another thought came, Steven threw his full weight on my head and shoulder. He was trying to smother me. Something that I'd held in check for the year he'd stalked and emotionally violated me welled inside of me and exploded into a burst of energy. My upper body arched upwards with a strength I'd never experienced and he was thrown off balance. I then threw myself on his chest and grabbed his hair.

"if you ever though me again, I'll kill you..

That was the death knell of our short yearlong engagement and six month marriage. I will never forget that night. I'd endured demonic fits of rage and hatred directed towards me and anyone I associate with including my church peers, sisters and friends. At the time, I was devastated and baffled that a human being could exhibit such extreme emotional changes within the five minutes. It was also extremely traumatic to realize I was vulnerable and defenseless in dealing with a condition I had never experience before. The prayers of the elders and even the Pastors counseling sessions had no effect on Steven and he got worse with each passing week. I was beside myself with grief and rage as my weight plummeted and I lost all hope that God really loved me. Looking back, I realize that even though totally unequipped and ignorant about demon-possession God was allowing a tremendous learning experience and one that would benefit many women in the years to come. My journey to spiritual freedom and confidence would take almost two decades. As I share my journey with you, I pray that you can avoid the pitfalls of spiritual bondage and a defeated Christian lifestyle. I'm thankful to Yeshua, Jesus Christ for His gentle healing and especially God's word which has truly established my being and identity! I am forever grateful that I stuck it out with Him through my many blazing fiery trial.

How it came to the point of marrying such a disturbed man can be traced back to my early girlhood. I always had a very timid demeanor and was easily frightened by my mother and father's displays of anger and disapproval. I remember well two of my earliest traumas. My father was trying to teach me how to tell time. As my father repositioned the hands of the clock and I answered wrong, he knocked me with his strong fist on my forehead. I cried each time and couldn't wait to get away from him. Though he didn't criticism me, I was still wounded with shame that I couldn't understand.

The first most traumatic incident though was seeing my mother explode with rage at my younger sisters loud play habits. Mom lunged towards my six year sister, pushed her to the floor and stepped all over her legs, screaming at the top of her lungs.

"Mommy, mommy, stop!" I screamed hysterically. When she stopped, I helped my little sister up and we rushed to my room, where I tried to comfort her. That began the building of my personality. I was terrified of angry people and the minute I sensed someone disapproval, my stomach would church and I would become nauseous.

My fear of angry, disapproving people firmly established itself deeply one day during my first day attending seventh grade art class. I had transferred from Catholic school and was the new kid. Difficult as it was to transition from being the teachers pet and having adoring friends, I focused on my creativity.

That day, my classmates were immersed in a painting project. As I admired my handiwork, a tall, dark-skinned girl stood over me with a piece of black construction paper. Her coal black eyes, glittered as she sneered as I looked into her eyes. I sensed she did not like me and my stomach lurched with anxiety.

"You see this , here?"...she hissed with disdain, "You are as black as this paper'"

Her utter scorn for me took me by such surprise that I was never the same. From that day forward, I'd questioned my worth, my loveliness and and my ability to be part of the human race! I developed a shame complex and shook with anxiety anytime women (or men) stared at my shape or gazed into my features.

The devil must have had it out for me or God may have groomed my refining tests through these earliest emotionally traumatic incidents. As the years passed, I became depressed and anxious anytime I sensed the displeasure of my bosses, co-workers or boyfriends. I walked on eggs at my job and when my sisters and mom fell into problems, I was dragged in. When I didn't live up to their unspoken expectations and they gossiped about me behind my back, I became all the more consumed to be the devoted, loving and mind-reading sister and daughter. It seemed every time I turned out, broken dysfunctional people would enter my life and expect me to fix them.

They immediately sensed I had a compassionate spirit and many drained the life out of me with their unmet emotional needs and physical wants.

posted by anita ferrer on 06/18/2012

"WOULD YOU LKE TO SEE MY KITTY CAT?" Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

"Hi!. Would you like to see my kitty cat?"

I entered the neatly manicured neighborhood in Toms River. Though it was a section 8 development, laughing children congregated on the streets and waved to me as they saw me pulling in. They saw my white calico, Baby-Baby in the dashboard and followed me to the end of the cul-de-sac. As I flipped down the door to unload my hand truck and telephone books, about seven children flocked around me asking to see and pet my kitty.

It was one of the high points of my route delivery for PDC Phone book company. That was about eight years ago and my, times have changed!

This year, I noticed very few children on the sidewalks or playgrounds. During the hot month of August, I was delivering near the Osborn area of Brick Township. The street I parked on was an upper middle class development. A group of girls watched me with scorn as I started up the street with my hand truck and books. I felt uneasy, noticing they didn't smile and I felt unwelcome d. Regardless, I turned and smiled. Two older teen girls stood staring me down as one little girl on a bike circled me. I had never had such an uncomfortable feeling before.

The little girl circled me again and I faced her.

"Hi, would you like to see my kitty cat?"

No answer. I approached the house where the older girls were still eying me seriously. I smiled again and don't remember ever feeling so ill at ease. I finished the street and was putting my hand truck in the back of my truck and noticed a police parked several houses up the next street. My first reaction was someone had complained about me being in the neighborhood. I decided I wasn't going to scurry away like a frightened squirrel. I was doing my job and for twelve years!

I sat quietly and waited for the officer to approach me. When he came up to my truck, I asked him, "Can i help you officer?"

"License, registration and insurance," he answered. I gave him my papers and shook my head. he walked back to his cruiser and I sat waiting for him for ten minutes. When he came back he looked inside my truck.

"Do you have a cat?"


"where is it?"

"She's sleeping in the back of this seat here?" I nodded to the back of the passenger seat.

He asked me the question two more times.

"Officer, She's in the back there sleeping. There is a tiny seat that she rests on. He walked to the passenger side and looked.

"Where is it?"

"I'll get her for you'. I walked to where my cat Peewee was sleeping and pulled her out.

"Okay. we were called to investigate someone who asked the kids to look at her cat."

"Officer" I said, "I have delivered for this company for 12 years and I have never had anyone call me about harassing their children. In fact, every neighborhood, both parents and kids alike were excited to meet me and my cat as I delivered to their neighborhood. I don't understand this world. Those kids were very weird and I'm sorry I ever talked to them."

"Well, miss you have to understand what's going on in this evil world. I'm a parent two of a small I understand. There are child molesters everywhere and if I was a mother and saw a truck with a spider on it and a woman asked my child to see her cat, I would be suspicious too."

"Yes, I'm sure you would. I am a youth mentor and have spent my whole life mentoring kids and serving both Ocean county, Monmouth and Burlington. I am very disappointed to see people become so suspicious and kids be so unfriendly. Have a good day, Officer"

So, this is what perverts and child molesters have done to our communities. Good people who love children can't even talk to them or smile. Thanks to taking prayer out of our schools, God's hedge of protection has lifted and today, 2011, anything goes with malicious adults molesting, kidnapping and murdering children.

People, we had better start looking at our apathy and deluded ideas that religion/prayer should be edited from our nation, schools and communities. Pray has always been edifying, inspiring and strengthening to the human spirit and is applicable to all things, secular and sacred. We had better start praying that goodness and kindness of strangers won't be seen as an act of aggression or charity.

This nation truly has declined in its quality. This incident with the police officer has shaken me to the core . I feel as if something precious was taken from me, the gift of friendship and inspiration of reminding children about kindness to animals.

May God help us to go back to days were children decorated our streets and playgrounds, reminding us of the days when our own childhoods were filled with memories of laughter, joy and friendship!

posted by ANITA IVETTE FERRER on 12/05/2011

WHAT'S IN A NAME? Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

Burqa-clad women walk around like silent ghosts without voices. To us women in the developed countries , especially America, they languish quietly as second class citizens with few choices. I'm grateful to live in such a wonderful country and that my beloved father brought me over to America as a young baby from Stuttgart, Germany. I couldn't imagine traveling through life with a stifled voice, intellect and ability to contribute to my world.

We American women have ample opportunity to aspire to and reach the highest pinnacles of expression, education and spiritual enlightenment. I'm also blessed to have had a father who instilled in me the virtues of independence, resourcefulness, high intellect and resilience in the face of great hardships. These are the staples of my character and integrity.

Papito was born on the island of Puerto Rico in 1929. The Depression held America in its grip, my grandmother would not allow poverty to affect her family. She was fiercely independent. When my grandfather fell ill with a lung ailment and had to be separate from the rest of the family, she fired her shotgun into the air each night to let prospective suitors know that she was not a pushover, didn't need their assistance and had her family under control!

As a youngster, Papito was a very special and aspiring boy who sold enough produce from their farm to support his mother and 8 brothers and sisters. Even at that age, he was an entrepreneur and his great skill at painting and lettering earned him a prestigious position with a local business man also surnamed Ferrer.

When Papito came to America, he joined the army and ended up stationed in Germany, where he met a beautiful, engaging blond. I was born nine months later followed by my younger sister a year and a half later. Papito was a serious and very disciplined man and decided to move to a more suburban area in New Jersey. He didn't want to raise his girls in the urban, environment like Paterson where most of his siblings settled.

Papito ended up buying a starter home in Long Branch. When I was six, another sister was added to the family and when I was ten my last and youngest sister was born. Papito stayed true to his religious roots and we were enrolled at Star of the Sea Catholic School. He wanted us to have a quality education and marry doctors and lawyers.

Catholic school was was a fertile place for me to develop confidence in myself. The nuns recognized my special talents in illustration, poetry and speaking and I was often chosen to read to the class. When Papito could no longer afford tuition, we were transferred to public schools. There, I retained my passion for the arts and discovered I had a great creativity for fashion design and seamstressing. I was asked to design and sew all the costumes for our medieval plays. By the time I was in seventh grade, I knew I was going to be a rock ck star/fashion designer when I grew up.

Eventually my parents irreconcilable different forced our family apart and I ended up in foster care. My world crashed, but somehow, I maintained a fierce dignity to survive. Papito's mentoring brought me through the storms.

After flailing and struggling for several years, a friend invited me to his church and I ended up committing my life to Jesus Christ. A supernatural change came over me. I was told that God had a wonderful plan for my life and I was a new person. I couldn't wait to finally explore my life. Storms once again, interrupted my forward momentum in the guise of financial hardship, sickness and being hit by a car.

A break came through receiving a brochure in the mail from Brookdale Community College and I welcomed the though of dreaming again. I enrolled for fall semester and that began my upward climb to normality. Through malnutrition and poverty, I received grants and a full scholarship offers to Boston University. I managed to stay on the Deans list with a 3.85 GPA, graduating four years later with my Associates degree. My identity was now fully established and I was elated to soar in my aspirations.

Several more storms assailed me, (including a violent and abusive failed marriage) and later an immune system breakdown from LYME Disease diagnosis. The stress of my husband's emotional abuse and deportment threats caused me to break down physically and I was so weak I couldn't work I fell into a deep depression, but clung to my faith, knowing that I would ride out the latest storm in God's strength. My recovery was very slow, but I gradually regained my strength and vision.

God opened up a door of opportunity through a childhood girlfriend who had been praying for me for many years. Diana called me, urging me tio apply for a Christian non-profit organization, Love in the Name of Christ, that she worked for part-time.

Though I had no professional clothing for an interview, I made a strong impression on the executive Director, Carolyn Eyerman and Operations manager, John Hodem. Joan was a warm, yet professional woman with decades of experience in the social and healing services. She saw something in me that I thought I had lost so long ago. I was hired as program coordinator of my own business clothing and mentoring program!

Only God could have orchestrated such an event and I was exhilarated that I was called to network with such inflectional professionals. My six year tenure with Love Inc turned out to be the most supportive and joyous time of my life with me helping disconnected and women, domestic violence victims and welfare women entering the work force for the first time! Many wonderful relationships were established because of Joan's belief in me and I learned much in from these professionals in the areas of ministry/outreach, education and the social services. My confidence grew as other opportunities continued to present themselves.

My talent in singing and music also came to fruition with recording projects and performing in very upscale restaurants. I met many influential business people, pastors and CEOs as well as an MTV CEO, who hired me to do a private event at his mansion in Belmar.

Storms have continued to assail me with greater intensity, my faith has been stretched and God continues to give me glimpses of higher spiritual intuition and His miraculous workings! 'm continually inspired to chronicle my life and faith journey through new songs, books and my photography. Most passionately though, is my desire to see broken people from all over the globe healed and transformed whether through personal or via my internet connections.

When God brought a wonderful man into my life, I was yet to experience an ever more relevant journey balancing two different perspectives, traditions, habits and decisions. I married my wonderful husband, Mark and we talked about my desire to be called by my family name. He had no problem at all.

Strangely, the ones who who adamantly refused to honor my request to be addressed at Anita Ferrer, were family members, Marks male friends and our church family!

Times have changed, people. In 2011, many women are keeping their family names, or hyphenating. It's a personal choice now and some of us just don't believe in a rigid, thoughtless tradition borne in the 1800's when women were their husband's possession. To each woman her own, but I proudly wear my family name like a badge of honor. The name Ferrer is synonymous with my many weighty struggles, blood, sweat and tear lessons and victories. I'm a phoenix who God himself has reconstructed and sculpted from the funeral pyre, a once almost disintegrated tangled mass that was scattered to the winds of tragedy.

This name, Ferrer was borne out of great struggle and the fruits of my skills, history, successes and creativity all come from my fathers seeds of guidance and skill. Te jewels of my spiritual crown are flowing creativity, deep intellect and empathetic passion and compassion for my fellow man. Teofilo Cepeda Ferrer, Papito's legacy, is musical and literary artistry and intimate communication and friendship to a subliminal level.

I wear my fathers name with honor and will not cancel it out because traditions says I must. It is a badge of honor, my commitment and faithfulness to an extra-ordinary life of leadership, civic and social contributions and also a lifestyle that is excellent and pleasing to my Heavenly Father.

I hope you all now understand my deep and personal reasons to be addressed and known by my family name.

I also hope younger women all over the world will think deeply about what their family name means to them as they prepare to unite with their soul mates. May they ponder the contributions and inheritances of their relatives, fathers or grandparents as I have pondered and cherished the depth and beauty of what my father and grandmother have passed down through me.

Wear your family name proudly, young woman. It's a brave new world! !

posted by Anita ivette Ferrer on 09/01/2011

JOURNAL ENTRY, Tuesday, June 28, 2011 Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

This year has already flown by so quickly, I wonder how I've made it through another year with these spasms. Progress with our primary care physician, (our latest, Dr Dorfner) is stalled once again. My last appointment ended up with frustration, as he didn't even practice in the Medford office and the female doctor looked at me as if I had three heads when I told her I was diagnosed with Dystonia! I thought to myself, WHAT AM I DOING HERE?

Oh, I'm worn our physically with all the driving in congested traffic. EVERY destination is a stress ride in congested areas. With careless drivers.

My body has required so much sleep that even when I wake up at eleven, my legs and feet are sore and I'm in a daze until the caffeine sets in. I managed to get myself to Natalia in toms river for my annual computerized body/medical scan, but not before having to listen to Bo ranting about Mommies's emergency room crisis. On top of that, Cruzita having to also go to the emergency room. It has been very harrowing to see my precious mom and step mother undergoing serious physical breakdown. Booth of them look so drained form the stress. Papito is standing his ground, but he is fragile also. Granpere is hanging on to dear life with fighting the cancer ans I'm covering all of them in daily prayer, trusting in the Lord's healing. Not easy to see 70 and 80 something people struggling.

My mains stressor is this continual movement that wears me out and the driving in bad traffic, but God has blessed me with private moments of intimacy and that has gotten me through..

The prayers and contact of my Prayer Warrior sister on Facebook has been a blessing and Abba has honored my passion for prayer by allowing me to do intercessory prayer with several of my brothers & sisters who are under great attack.

My CDS and book are going very slowly and I know I must work on my profile on PLEDGE MUSIC for support of these projects. It's been procrastination getting PLINK to master my songs for Pastor ray and my CD..

My memory has been unbelievable poor and each morning I can barely get our of the bed for the great fatigue. Sometimes I cry and cry asking the LORD why He wants me to suffer for so long. Twenty years of serious illnesses is more than I can bear.

As Natalia gazed at the compeer scans, she nodded her head in disappointment.
"All zeros for your C1 to C5",
"What does that mean?" I asked.

She explained the significance of my VAGUS nerve, that it was not giving any circulation to my head/brain, my digestive organs, the facial bones & nerves. Now I see why the pain and fatigued, but I KNOW that I am healed.

The sorrow regarding the upcoming tribulation has kept me up praying and thinking night after night. I vast sea of faces and people, shell-shocked and terrified sobers me up where I can get through 5 solid hours. When I intercede, I start weeping throughout my prayers to my father.

"More time, Lord, more time. So many going about their business and not given the Holy Lord of Host thanks and praise. I have been so broken-hearted I know it affects my physical strength, but as I read and meditate through Jeremiah and Ezekiel, they also wept for their people. I can't imagine the thoughts they had as they were carried away into captivity because of the horrendous ins of the people! Godly men of God living holy lives and having to suffer for someone else's sins! Just me getting beaten half to death as a girl and Papito being so hard, controlling and strict on me. Remembering the hatred of Steven accusing me with hatred I his eyes.

"Why does YOUR GOD allow so much evil?"That year was a year of hell enduring such demonic hatred, imprisonment and mental abuse. A miracle how JESUS protected me from being smothered. Those old events pop up last mocking ghosts, but I look to my Jesus and pray everyday that he will bring me up to His bosom before the hell on earth starts.

Thank you, Lord for blessing me with a love for the lost. It was great praying with Papito and Cruzita last night and then witnessing to those young urban men at the gas station while I was filling up! I pray for Eugene and Carlo that they READ and pray about JESUS presence. I'm going to the Christian Care thrift store for more Bibles to give out, so I can be ready and give one out whenever I meet anyone who doesn't know the wonderful plans God has for them!

So many possibilities and miracles God is waiting to perform and so few excited and productive children. I pray everyday, Lord, let me be a blessing to someone today!

Lord, I give you my concerns about my sick parents and parents-in-law, the stress of my poor husband overwhelmed with mounting credit card debt/overtime at work and the exhausting burden of driving so far so many times a week for my treatments and doctor visits. PEACE and REST lord. Peace to finish my book and the work you've placed on my heart. Amen!

posted by anita ivette ferrer on 06/28/2011

Library Games that Teach Kids How to Murder & Maim Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

As I sat at the computer at the library, my eyes happened to fall upon the computer screen of the little boy sitting next to me. He looked to be about 6 years old was infatuated by his game. Curious, I checked out what he was playing and was shocked to see a cartoon human figure hanging from a noose. The little boy hacked away at first one arm, then a leg. My stomach lurched and I turned my attention to the blog I was composing. After about ten minutes, I looked to see that the little boy had progressed to working on severing the mannequin's head from the body!

Something within me stirred and I turned to the little boy,

"Wow, what is that you're doing, little boy? Would Jesus like to see you doing that?"

"No," answered the little boy.

"What is that game you're playing?"

"The torture game."

That was it. I had to say something or I would be sick. What made this youngster an aficionado of such heinous entertainment?

He turned back to his game very nonchalantly as my mind raced with images of grown up men who were now serial killers. The next time I glanced at the boy's progress, the head was almost completely off and blood was splashing in every direction. I could not believe what my eyes were seeing!

How a child's world changed had changed.

I had to say something and asked the little boy where his parents were. I got up to walk to the librarian counter as the boy followed me nervously.

I cleared my throat and faced the librarian.

"I'm very concerned about this little boy here. He is playing a very violent game and I'm wondering where his parents are? My husband and I pay very high taxes to support this library and I'm not happy about the games you have here for the children."

Her eyes widened as the little boy led us to his father who was standing by a shelf looking at a book.

"Sir, this young lady here says she is very concerned about the game your little boy was playing at his computer...." Before she could continue, the man exploded in rage.

"What my children play and do is no ones G... damn business!"

"Excuse me sir, but God has wonderful plans for this little one and learning to decapitate is not one of them!"I asserted.

Oh, yeah?" he screamed, waving his hand towards the foyer. "Well, why don't you come outside and we'll talk about it?"

The man's eyes bulged out and I could see the veins standing in his neck. He was a time bomb and I was going nowhere with such a lunatic.

"Come on now!" he barreled towards the lobby.

"I'm not going anywhere with you, especially without my husband who is my Godly covering. We can get a policemen here to protect me, but I'm not going anywhere with you."

It was touch and go for a minute and everyone's eyes were on us. I was ready for policemen to storm in, but I was standing my ground. The man was like a bull ready to charge and kill.

Just as quickly as the confrontation started, it abated and I calmly walked back to my computer station. The man called his three little children to get ready to leave and that was that, but I was very shaken.

Some very unhealthy and demonic things are becoming more prevalent and mainstream and our children are the target. One of my passions is protecting our children's innocence for as long as possible. Today, I was grateful for God's protection, as the situation could have turned very ugly.

Statistics and history shows us that Ted Bundy, Jeffery Dahmer and other serial killers start maiming and killing small animals before they graduate to bullying and rape.

Violence, in games and in social interaction are serious issues we need to be very concerned about and parents especially need to be very aware of everything that their children are watching/playing on television and the computer and in movies.

This episode at the library has really opened my eyes to what our precious children are influenced by and we must be diligent and responsible that they become compassionate and productive members of society.

posted by anita ivette ferrer on 06/12/2011

WHAT CAUSED THE FALL OF WTC? Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

The thick, suffocating cloud that exploded from the imploding World Trade Center buildings not only snuffed out the lives of thousands of civilians but also America's idyllic dream of peace and protection. A decade later, the survivors of lost loved ones and concerned citizens still question the cause of one of the most infamous acts of terrorism America has ever experienced.

Who or what caused the destruction of the twin towers?

Though great debates rage around the world by top strategists, government official and religious leaders, the answer stares right at our but Much of America has become numb and deluded into disbelieving truth

It all began with the inception of our country by the God-faring founding fathers.They knew of the power and protection of abiding under the shelter of God almighty and His promise to bless His people if they lived within the constraints of his commands. We've come a long way from that vision's birthing.

So why was the World Trade Center attacked? Choice. Choice, you ask?! God gave every human being the choice to make decisions whether for bad or good. The terrorists chose to not forgive their enemies and to retaliate with the intent to maim and kill. The American people chose not to vote into office leaders with integrity and the best interests of their country men. We, the voters also chose not to vote or to haphazardly believe the hype and eloquent speeches of candidates without researching their values or what they stood for. We forsook our responsibility at the voting booth because we were lazy, didn't care and/or didn't believe in the candidate. AND... worse of all, we allowed senseless, immoral and ignorant bigots to take away our freedoms, prayer in schools and government and protection for the lives of the innocent unborn on the pretense of inconvenience.

Who can we blame?

We have ignored the free gift of wisdom God has given us. God's law was given through Moses to govern His people, The Jews. God ordained the appointment of judges to govern the people so that justice would not be perverted, Duet. 16:18.

The great leaders, judges and godly kings like King David, also had a heart after God. King David and Nehemiah, the King's cup-bearer, who when surveying the wall of Jerusalem wept and prayed for God's restoration of not only the physical walls, but also the spiritual walls (the hearts) of the people. So, where are repentant and humble leaders today?

God also made provision that the poor, the orphans and widows to be provided for. Have we made provision for them? America being such a great nation of affluence, technology and influence, our poor is becoming an increasing majority, rather than a tiny minority. Great folly has permeated this once great Nation.

God is watching.

He is allowing evil to weaken the once tightly woven tapestry, the melting pot of the world, America and to topple the former majesty of our godly foundation. A nation cannot stand when contamination of deceiving half-truths, compromise and immorality are the rule and we are paying a heavy price for trying to edit God's out of our constitution.

We cannot blame God for the evil that has transpired over Manhattan, The Alfred Murrah Building in Oklahoma and our Christian missionaries abroad. Our choices to ignore, to condone and conceal evil and our choice to pervert justice will bring forth dire consequences. God won't stop us. He lets us do whatever we want and He will continue to grieve knowing well the wonderful path we could have chosen if we obeyed His laws and wisdom.

Our country will continue to languish in debt, division and uncertainty as well as impending judgement if we continue to foolishly vote for incompetent and greedy leaders and CEOs who care nothing about the rising debt, mass starvation, poverty and the abolishing of the working and middle class. God does care about the sickly, disabled widows, the precious babies and the suffering destitute. H weeps for molested little girls, battered wives murdered by their own husbands. God weeps to see people defrauded and crushed under the weight of high taxes because of the wasteful spending unnecessary school administrators and government leaders.

God is watching.

So why my loyalty to this unseen, cruel God who allowed the WTC to crumble into a heap of ashes at the cost of the lives of courageous emergency personnel, firefighters and police officers. I'm a humble recipient of countless helps and miracles during the great storms of my life. Even after abuse and attacks, the tender-hearted God of the orphan and widows came to my aid and made something wonderful! Rather than become bitter and seeking revenge, He has tamed my fearful, battered heart into one of courage and great compassion for the wounded I've met during my travels.

God is always watching.

Men and women of leadership, God is scrutinizing your lifestyles, ideologies and visions. Are they in line with what God has ordained, justice for all, provision, humility and prosperity? The penalty in the old testament for sacrificing innocent infants was death, yet millions upon millions of precious voiceless victims are murdered in their own mother's wombs. We allow perverts and pedophiles more justice than the victims themselves! We wonder in amazement why terrorism has reduced this once proud and prosperous nation to the infamous depths of reckless irresponsibility, perversion and apathy.

Even the minds of our greatest intellectuals have become dull and foolish, devoid of wisdom.

God is watching.

Imagine a people glorifying and then voting for a candidate because he is Black without having any idea of his character, integrity or ideology? America is reaping what we've sown and if we continue living beyond our financial means, killing unborn babies and editing His great and Holy name from our constitution, we will enter a seriously constricting captivity to Sharia law or communism. We are headed for a great cavernous abyss which we will not being able to escape.

Now is the time to seriously ponder our past mistakes and turn around to the opposite God direction. We are still We the People and God will re-adopt us into our rightful heritage if we repent and change attitude and motive for our poor choices. The old testament depicts the countless times and judges who have saved the Jews from sin and captivity. We ought to learn a lesson and read the Bible. There is much wisdom to be learned from the mistakes from others!

So....captivity or freedom, anarchy or peace, widespread poverty or prosperity and finally... the annihilation of America as we know it or America the free?

God's plan for us is good...and very simple... "Follow that which is just so that you may live and inherit the land, " Duet 6:18.

America...will you live or die?

posted by Anita ivette Ferrer on 05/22/2011

WORK IS GOOD Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. He created light and darkness and separated them into morning and evening. He created water and land, then vegetation. The universe and all its expanse was created and then creatures were put on the land and in the sea. Lastly, God created Adam from the dust of the earth. God put Adam in the garden to work it and take care of it. This is the first episode of GOD giving work to the man. God Himself ordained work at the very beginning!

Adam did not spend his days sitting around idly, there was work to be done tilling the garden and even naming the animals! We can further expound on the realistic need for work as per Saint Paul's discourses in the new testament.

When Paul addressed the church of Thessalonica, he rebuked those who ambled about idly. He commanded that they earn the bread they eat, (Thes. 3:6-12) Paul said, "If a man does not work, he shall not eat and also that they should never tire of doing what is right."

I'm curious about the reasons our modern church condones welfare for able-bodied people and even worse, have yet to any pastors rebuking lazy and idle people! It's no surprise that the present social system is not working, but the church hasn't yet admitted that welfare and is not Biblical.

We must remember that provision is commanded, but the specified for certain people. James 1:27, Tells us that true religion is looking after the orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself unsoiled from the world. I t says nothing about providing for able-bodied men, (or women for that matter). The Bible directs us that even women and mothers have their work cut out for them, thus Paul sets down the ground rules for the work order for the whole community.

1 Tim. 1:6 Tells us that widows cannot be provided for unless they were over sixty, faithfully supported her husband, provided hospitality, raised children, washing the feet of saints, and devoting herself to all kinds of service. God ordained everyone with a job to do. Even the children were commanded to learn and mind their parents.

Part of the problem is non-supervision of the children of dual-income families and no mentor ship of children from single-parent households. Whose fault is that...the church! We are responsible for taking under our wing and teaching children and parents. We have greatly neglected the duty to our converts in place of embracing leisure and pleasure.

God's people, (and all people) perish for lack of knowledge. Again and again this refrain rings in my heart and applies to every person God created in His precious plan!

Another problem is the lack of modeling and raising children under the admonition of the Lord. When little children see laziness, they emulate their parents. The church must model godly and honest entrepreneurship or our way of life as it is will collapse. The working and middle class are already strained by the illegal immigrants, incarcerated and able-bodied dependents who are draining our economy with all the food stamps and health care. The FDA, medical establishment and pharmaceutical companies are also perpetuating sedentary lifestyles, poor health and obesity, but that is subject for another blog. If this trend continues, America will surely collapse.

We can balk and mock the laws set down by God, but He originally created a world and systems of order. His perfect way is without flaw and without chaos. We, in our own selfish rebellious perspectives have strayed from His wise and glorious path and through neglect are paying heavy consequences. When we are obedient, trusting and following His commands we will always enjoy prosperity and provision. The fear, (reverence) of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom and when we adopt our thoughtless mindsets and opinions of how to run a country, community and family, we will ultimately fail. All the answers to our well-being are in God's word.

My father, Teofilo Ferrer Cepeda was born in Puerto-Rico in 1929 to an industrious, God-fearing Catholic mother. He was a born entrepreneur at the tender age of 8, selling produce from his parents farm to support his mother and seven brothers and sisters! Papito handed down his strict, no-nonsense work ethic to me and though as a rebellious teenager, despised having to work hard every summer vacation, I now enjoy the fruits and lessons from my beloved father. Today, I'm proud to give God and him the credit for nurturing a deeply-ingrained creative and productive spirit that has supported me through the many storms of my life!

This American culture seems to have bred in its citizens and new immigrants a lazy and selfish mentality. When my mother arrived here from Germany with my father, she didn't know a word of English. She learned all she could by watching TV. Today, after many decades of faithful service to her job, she is a supervisor. The spirit of entrepreneurship and productivity has greatly diminished and I wonder how did the welfare mentality start and why do the recipients think the world owes them? College students graduate expecting a $60,000 a year job, without doing a thing? I've seen inmates at the sides of the freeway picking up garbage and litter. They should be taught a skill to learn to be self-sufficient How are the inmates being supported? The taxpayers!

I say teach these men the value of productivity. Teach them to build their living quarters, teach them how to grow their own food. Gifted and skilled men and women should be the carpenters, farmers, teachers and soul sculptors. Our welfare system is not working and it's time for the think tanks to start thinking logically with what God had in mind in the beginning!

The church has a responsibility to rehabilitate the broken, lost and dying. Mother Teresa is a perfect example of one voice who spoke out into the darkness and touched millions of lives in her lifetime. Her solution was mentoring the young sisters under her to model and give a loving hands on approach to every person who came with a need. The church must step up to the plate, not giving a random hand outs but mentoring with tough love. we must once again instill values of honor, dignity and hard, dedicated work. God has placed a purpose in each and every person. The trick is helping that person to find their niche.

Let us thoughtfully reinstate a pattern for the next generation to follow. There is still time to turn this Titanic around!

posted by Anita ivette Ferrer on 05/14/2011

THE CHIEF ROADIE Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

I'm composing this post as my husband grapples with his many duties as dispatcher for a utility company. His sturdy HHR was loaded the night before for tonight's performance at the Englishtown Baskin Robbins ice cream store. Ever efficient and punctual, Mark insists on being well-equipped. That's the way he's wires and what a compliment to me he is!

During our pre-marital counseling,session, our pastor complimented our union.

"Mark fills in for you where you are weak and you compliment him where he is lacking,"

That was an understatement, because with all the magnitude of challenges we grapple with as individuals and a couple, we temper each others good and bad attributes . After a grueling day of driving to work, working and getting ready for bed we both thank the lord for bringing us together.

Mark is compatible enough for me to get along peacefully with him, yet still having areas that need tweaking with the fine spiritual sandpaper of patience, tolerance, thankfulness and love.
He admired my hospitality, discretion, resourcefulness, wisdom and strong faith the following months we spent time together. I found him to be highly intelligent, intellectual, engaging as well as very chivalrous, (which I've found to be (a rare commodity with men these days)! He has always treated me with great respect and like a lady that i was raised up to be. I can't think of a time that he has not put my needs before his and even when exhausted after double shifts all week at work, Mark would still drive the handicapped neighbor to the ACME grocery store.

I love our deep discussions about God, the universe, human rights, etiquette and how music should sound live. He has taught me so much about sound getting it to compel the listener. Mark has been indefensible during my frustrating times trying to understand the dynamics of a well-crafted and mixed sound. His sound engineering expertise is no less impeccable when he-prepare me for a live performance.. Bad back and all, he carries the bulk of my equipment, sets them up and commands every nuance of the concert to the highest degree!

What a man, what a man! Many wives could scrutinize their husbands and find many things wrong to complain about. Ungrateful people can always find things that are wrong in others. I've learned to find the good in all and FOCUS on the possibilities and complimentary things. Here in America, we have succumbed to comforts, leisure, self-centerdness as a way of life. If things don't turn out the way we want, if our needs are not met or someone disagrees with us, we are angry and judgmental
A strong marriage is a choice...of being grateful, appreciative and working hard to pax de deux through life with the partner you have chosen to journey through life with! I am honored to be married to mark and treasure all he is. He is a work in progress, like me. He is a gracious, hard-working and generous man who has solid work ethic, respect for others and dedication to me and God's calling as a minister of the gospel and helping others to heal. He chose to undertake this difficult task of unselfish devotion to those God has placed in our paths.

Mark is my best friend, my soul mate, listener and roadie. As a rock n roll one woman band performer, he makes me sound like a million bucks & I never need to worry at all about my equipment. As you all gaze on us as we Pas de Deux through life, I pray that you will understand the union that God has ordained from the beginning of time.

posted by anita ivette ferrer on 04/27/2011

GOD of all SURPRIESE Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

WOW! Did God STRETCH me yesterday!

I expected to get through my session in a breeze recording my lead vocal tracks for "RECEIVE". I had precticed ALL week to the tracks STve gave me and was confident as I sand my interpretation. When Steve listened back to the tracks that Any and I finished, he shook his head and sai I had to sing the words and phrases ON THE BEAT.
What did he mean by that???

I had to re sing the whole song, verse by verse, focusing on each word smack dab on TOP of the DANCE beat. It was VERY frustrating to say the least as Andrew listened back., scrutinizing EVERY word. I had to punch in phrases countless times, making my enthusiasm and passion dim. I was NOT used to singing staccato-style, but DANCE was WAY different than rock, pop or country. As I waited for Andrew to fix spots and listen to my tracks, I prayed in the vocal booth. "LORD, help me!"

After about two hours, I was re-training my phrasing technique and it seemed more fluent. Steve and Andrew were pleased at how the tracking was going, but I was DRAINED from my neck being so strained and my tongue was bitten HARD a few times. I had to cancel my session with John, (my other producer at ACORN DIGITAL) at 7:30 pm.

Though, frustrating, I'm honored that God surprises me challenging me. Passionately pressing into Him reminds me of how much HE loves my obedience and faithfulness. Between my recording and gigging, I focus on ministering to the widows and orphans in my circle. Ministering and creating art should go hand in hand. I'm finding more richness in seeing relief , comfort and love transform these broken women. and I'm finding it more tedious to work in the studio than ministering!

Looking back at Mar's "hunch" (that getting involved with Steve and Auddio Maxx was an "investment" I am thankful and excited, anticipation some GREAT things to come. Great contacts and friends made, ( Steve's lovely wife DEE hit it off with me as we found out we were both German and Puerto-Rican.)! I feel so good finally realizing that it's okay to be German and Puerto-Rican and that if Dee was cool and not a dork, than I must be okay, also lol! I've dropped to "I must be a geek complex.

I've also been contacted by two CEO'S from Steve's network, Tazmania Records, a promotion company and Vision productions. Both men are devoted Christians and family men who God has called to bring Christ into the DANCE realm.

The CEO from Vizion Productions told me that artists from his stable have already embarked on their "Gospel" mission through their music to the Dance world..He hopes to include me in the team and I'm excited to see how far the Lord will bring me.

I'm pretty humbled kind of learning something brand new and working with Steve, Mr Mig Miglior and having an opportunity to "frontier" Gospel with Dance! I've always been a folk and heavy rock artist/performer. MY dear spiritual mentor and confidant, Reverend Kevin Nunn reminded me years ago that I should be open any opportunity God gave me including different music arenas.

Lord knows the DANCE people NEED to be touched by God's presence .I hope to bring hope, purity and passion to this new listening audience. Much Darkness inhabits the music industry. I like the purity of keeping ministry devoted to God and not contaminated by the dictates of a "label" I hope my work is a fragrant offering unto my King of Kings and Lord of Lords. May I be just an empty vessel for Him to pour His spirit into and then to pour out upon the nations1

posted by anita ivette ferrer on 03/30/2011

AM I MY BROTHER'S KEEPER? Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

The first recorded incidence of violence in the Bible Cain murdering his brother Abe.l When God confronted Cain about his evil deed, "Where is your brother?" Cain replied, "I don't know. Am I my brother's keeper?"

Since that first crime exploded into jealousy and unbridled wrath, every conceivable act of violence has erupted, escalating into a spiritual virus threatening the very fiber of marriage, culture and family life. The coveting of the neighbor's wife, goods and property has always been the excuse to murder. But what about other reasons for killing, like directing hatred towards a gender, race or religion?

Premeditated murder and/or genocide has always troubled me since a young girl. Though today, I'm a mature woman of faith, having experienced many personal instances of violence towards me, I ponder deeply the seed of hatred bringing forth violence, torture and death. Everyday, the headlines blare of rapes, assassination and genocides worldwide

I set out to sleuth a mysterious deep, unrest in my soul that cannot be quenched. I was hungry for understanding premeditated killing as a college student studying courses in the humanities.

Mother Teresa's advocacy of the barbaric murdering of unborn babies was my first focus, then Mahatma Ghandi's impassioned advocacy for humane treatment of all people, regardless of their caste. They proved that peaceful protest about human rights was possible. They loved humanity and cared about justice, compassion and protection for the unprotected. As a naive, young believer and college student studying their amazing callings, I knew it was possible to address inhuman injustices with wisdom, grace, and non violent strategies.

More and more atrocities rage everywhere in the world and I wonder how will leaders address the increasing chaos. I needed to make sense of all the evil and violence, but there were few leaders who followed the ways Christ, Mahatma or Mother Teresa. The world is a threatening and dangerous place where violence and murder loom like a black, venomous fog, enveloping civilization. There seems few ways to stop this swirling, seething mass of rage, barbaric murder and uncontrolled greed from destroying us. Unless a pure and powerful people stand up to the plate, remembering lessons of great leaders and and their mandates, we will destroy ourselves.

Presently, powerful demonic strongholds have overtaken most nations and we stand at the cusp of a planet-wide revolution. How did this happen and how did the minds of the intellectual elite and terroristic leaders become so calloused?

Only through communion and relationship with my Savior and gentle Shepherd, Jesus Christ has my deeply unsettled soul been calmed. Christ is the greatest Prince of Peace, conquering, violence, barbaric torture and the grave. This divine, yet human, Son of God, supernaturally connected to us through His sacrificial passion. This glorious glimpse gave me a new perspective and understanding about what His calling entailed, being our brother's keeper.

He connected with all the broken, fragile people he met, touching them with His presence, His love and His healing. He was all about non violence for the sake of being an example. Surrounded by an angry throng coming to arrest him in the garden of Gethsemane, Peter sought to defend Christ by angrily waving his sword towards Malchus, the high priest's servant. As Malchus clutched his open, bleeding wound, Jesus, rebuked Peter.

"All who draw the sword shall die by the sword."

He knew that fighting fire only ignited a roaring pyre ready to devour all.

Jesus compassionately put the severed ear back into place, instantly healing him! What a lesson of mercy and grace in the face of attack and violence.

Mahatma was on to something as he modeled non-violence regarding the peaceful protesting of injustice. There is something supernatural to be said about enduring violence or abuse without striking back. This meekness; controlled strength, speaks louder than vicious retaliatory actions

I have seen and experienced many heart-breaking injustices during my own journey. God has invited me to live under His grace into places of trust, truth and dependence. I've rested in comfort and peace even in the most daunting of circumstances. I remember the many times facing death during serious health trials and seeing others face their own mortality and fragility in critical care units in hospitals..

Since my college graduation, Christ has revealed glimpses of His deity and purpose for His creation, sometimes to endure great suffering, attack and violence. In faithfully chronicling my spiritual growth and addressing my yearnings to understand violence, murders and genocide perpetuate. I hope to model Christ's meekness and love in the face of attack from my deceived enemy who thinks that brutality is power and control. "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do."

As I watch God's beautiful creation fall into the vacuum of deception, lust and unbridled thirst for murder, I see a desperate need for Christ-like wisdom and self control with the intangible weapons of prayer, wisdom and spiritual strategy.

Nehemiah, another great Biblical, spiritual leader had a great love and compassion for his own people, the Jews, who were in great poverty and despair. He was also a humble man and totally dependent upon God for provision and protection. He was a man of prayer and prostrated Himself before The Lord, asking for mercy and repenting of his own personal sins and the sins of the nation. He had great favor as the King's cup bearer and was granted permission to start the rebuilding of the walls and temple.

Nehemiah's two greatest enemies, Tobiah and Sanballat were determined to frustrate and intimidate the Jews, as well as to kill Nehemiah. But Nehemiah said, "Don't be afraid of them Remember the Lord who is great and awesome and fight for your sons and your daughters, your wives and your homes."
He had wisdom and a strategy to finish the work of God in spite of the threats of evil men who hated the Jews. Through wise strategy and trust in God's guidance, Nehemiah commanded half of his troop to work and the other half to defend with their shields, spears, bows and armor.

As the story ends with the successful completion of the rebuilding of the temple and the walls, Nehemiah's people enjoyed prosperous times under his spiritual guidance. We too will live under the protection of our God and King when we place our trust in Him!

All over the world, God has called his people to prepare for battle with spiritual armament. Today awaits sons and daughters to step out in their callings, clinging to Him in trust and faith and imparting wisdom and guidance. Soon civil unrest, violence, cataclysm and economic despair. will be worldwide. God's faithful are already being sought out and opposed, but now is not the time to be fearful and slack.

Supernatural deception in high places shall delude the nations, bringing about the end of the world as we know it today.

We have nothing to fear for Biblical history reminds us that God's people have survived and thrived through tribulation and upheaval. Not only must we care for our own, but also the lost and wounded. The great holocausts prove that there is always a remnant who survived tsunamis.

Let great, divinely instructed leaders rise up and lead against the violent and evil clamor of society.

Will I take up my sword for battle? My calling is urgent , but my spiritual ammunition is powerful, authoritative prayer and faith in Him who is greater than me. I must find the one lost sheep and bring them back to safe pasture.

What will I do if threatened with death? Like Mother Teresa, I will protect and comfort, the broken, the widows, the little children, the sick. I will command Holy Angels to surround and protect us, just as Jesus had the power to call down legions of angels to lift Him out.

I pray I will not have to be a part of barbaric bloodshed. I pray that by the touch of my loving hand the wounded and injured will find their way to His bosom. These are fearful times, but we must be sure of our standing, in our High Tower and Refuge, Our Mighty God.

We are our brother's keeper.

posted by anita ivette ferrer on 02/05/2011

JOURNAL ENTRY, Dec 31, 2010 Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

This year has truly flown and as always, I feel a deep sadness...that I've not accomplished nearly what I'd plan last January.

So far, my forward strides in being cured of this Dystonia condition are agonizingly slow. I wonder how all you are doing & cry, pray and stubbornly research online every other day. My, what we Dystoni people could do with all our wasted time!

This struggle has definitely made me an even MUCH more empathetic person and my faith is even more dynamic and powerful. After praying with some, they remarked that they have never heard anyone pray like me.

Well....being in constant pain & discomfort makes you draw even nearer the LORD to withstand and forge froward.

After praying for guidance, I felt led to research the UPPER CERVICAl chiropractors, since that is the area I feel is the center of dysfunction. I called DR Larry in Marlboro, NJ, who specializes in a new diagnostic technique for Upper cervical injuries. Another stressful 3 hour round trip ride. Atlas Orthogonal Position Technique is the procedure.

But I was still desperate to get better. Disappointingly, Dr Larry's Arbeitman practice does not accept our Horizon POS insurance, so that is more money we will suffer losing which will NOT be reimbursed.

Mark drove us to the appointment & I had X-rays taken showing the misalignment of my two cervical disks which were not in correct alignment.meeting I knew that these disc were probably the cause of my oro-mandibular issues as I pondered allthe poor body mechanics relating to my telephone book delivery these 11 years, my poor posture and my signing. I felt so sad having damaged my beautiful body just to survive, but I trust that God has already promised me that HE would return all that was devastated from me.

Dr Larry was pleasant and though he assured me he didn't want to lie & promise me that he could help me, he did think I had a chance for improvement with his technique.

All I can do & pray, wait, hope and decree that Jesus has healed me. I must keep believing and decreeing it no matter how bad I feel. My hope is in Him alone. Perhaps other Dystonia members here on the forum have a cervical disorder. It is a possibility!

posted by anita ivette ferrer on 12/31/2010

WORKING THE WORD Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

Journal Entry, Thanksgiving Day, November 25, 2010

I have been given a great gift and so acknowledge it this precious Thanksgiving Day!,

I relish the joy of last night's Thanksgiving concert performance at my church. I shared the stage with our worship team and my two best friends, lead guitarist Chris Durante and drummer Phil Long. Friends and family came out to experience. Three weeks of hard work culminated to this special night. Weeks before, monkey wrenches threatened to interfere with the forward momentum, but God enabled me to get Phil's commitment for the concert.

An hour and a half before the concert, everyone was in their place rehearsing with Phil during the sound check. As he'd promised, he was prepared and excited. God had heard and answered our prayers for a beautiful sounding concert presentation! I worked my faith all week

Weeks before the concert, I was straddled with a myriad of concert-related tasks: PR work, do, printing and copying lyric sheets, burning CDs for the band members, designing flyers, programs brochures, making calls to the local newspaper and working out rehearsal times convenient for everyone. It took much focus and energy to groom and arrange the repertoire into a well-presented concert. The harried flow of my schedule was further punctuated by sudden crisis with two dear women fiends. I assessed the situations and prayed God's intervention.

One of the women, Danae, *(name changed for privacy), a beautiful, singer, long-time friend and single mom has been surrendering to God. Over the years, I've been heartbroken and helpless on how to help her address her relentless health struggles, oppressive opposition, spousal abuse/neglect and financial crisis. Another precious woman friend was dealt a very bad hand and I wonder how these two have survived such overwhelming circumstances.

Looking back to my own life and seeing God's gracious hand in all my crisis, I think about the endless succession of health battles, financial struggles, depression and marriage/relationship struggles. I was prone to acquiescing to defeat and thus spoke it out loud. I'm now emancipated from my prison because of the recent teachers on Christian television who teach on working the word and decreeing it out loud!

I've spent most of my Christian life ignorant of God's power and the necessity of knowing and decreeing His word for warfare, victory and success. Many of God's children daily decree death and lack through their own tongues unaware that the enemy uses their very words against them! Teacher Andrew Wommack speaks of working God's word to claim healing, favor and provision. I've come to the conclusion that being a Child of God is hard work, dedication and boldness. How often in my Christen life, I've despaired of my circumstance, rather than give him praise that He has already given me the victory over my situation, spiritual discernment to make a wise doeskin and the boldness to bring success into existence! Doors of help, favor and provision are opening and He gives me supernatural knowledge or understanding about a matter or situation, because I asked appropriately. God doesn't answer prayers laden with doubt, unforgiveness or fear. The Bible says to put on the mind of Christ and He has NOT given us a spirit of fear, (timidity) but of power and might and a sound mind! 2 Tim 1:7

Today, many of God's people are angry and miserable that they are suffering greatly! 1 Pet 4:12 We must remember that Christianity is all about massive spiritual warfare. Our most deadly foe, Satan's MO is to kill, steal and destroy and accusing us daily before our Heavenly Father. Will we faint under the demonic assaults or do we oppose with our spiritual armor, the Word of God? I most certainly am sick and tired of moaning and circling my same spiritual mountain a hundred times for most of my Christian life! Rest assured that I have gagged on my spoiled, bad fruits of uttering death decrees on my life.

"Oh....I can't take it anymore. This poverty is killing me. I'm getting the flue, I'm so tired. I'm too old. I'll be a spinster forever. I have cancer.".The death decrees go on and on...But what does God's word say I am?

I am the righteousness of Christ. My God shall supply all my needs according to His riches and glory. I am healed by Jesus stripes. I am the head and not the tail. I am the beloved of the Lord! There are hundreds of promises that we need to speak daily over our lives without doubting. He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek HIM with all their heart! Heb 11:6 We must understand the implication of diligence, faithfulness and trust. Abraham's faith was rewarded by God after he waited many decades for his promised son! Do we have that kind of expect God's promises even when the waiting seems like an eternity?

Are we willing to open our hearts, to forgive those who've wounded us, wait on His timing, (which, by the never early, but always in His timetable) and be thankful in all things? Extreme suffering, hardship or even being born into misery does not negate God's supreme power, ability or us fulfilling our destiny. In fact, some who have the most trial, challenges and suffering are so humbled by their circumstances that God is more able to use them as a magnificent vessel and testimony of His greatness. Now, that makes me feel so much better!

Joseph, St Paul, old testament prophets, Jeremiah, Ezekiel and especially Job are examples of "working" the word faithfully and consistently Modern examples of faith heroes are Nick Vujicic, ( the armless, legless young evangelist and Joni Erickson-Tada, ( paraplegic who have both astounded the world with their amazing accomplishments, testimonies and witness for Christ!

. God despises cowards and lazy people, (read your Bible and read about what happens to the doubting and fearful yourself) He tells Joshua to be not afraid and be a of a good courage. The fearful, doubting and unforgiving will not receive anything from the Lord. He is a unstable man in all his ways. James 1:8

The secret of victory and spiritual promotion is learning to saturate your mind with God's word and promises, putting on the mind of Chris.... daily. This is called working the WORD. The reality of faith and excellence in Christ is that we have some hard work ahead. We can't expect God to magically drop provision, favor, answered prayers like candy in a gum machine. Like a starving coyote waiting for the mother hen to bear her offspring so he can immediately devour the newborn chick, so is satan laying wait for our mouths to speak death so he can use our very words to snare us and keep us bound and defeated!

Work the word, daily, (and for some of us, hourly) hourly people. You shall reap if you faint not! Gal 6:9 Those who believe and trust God with all their hearts and address Him in faith by the words of their mouth will receive. It may take many failed attempts to see results from speaking His word over your situation, but if you are persistent...God will see that you mean business. He loves it when we address Him in faith using His very word! He is faithful!

Two choices. Survive in misery or live in hope. Work the WORD and it will work for you!!

posted by Anita ivette Ferrer on 11/25/2010

COME INTO THE HOLY of HOLIES Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

Journal Entry October 4, 2010

Come into the Holy of Holies, enter by the Blood of the lamb. Oh the exquisite presence of God. There is nothing like being plunged into His depth. Jesus invited the Samaritan woman sitting at the well to drink of the sparkling, restoring and ever abundant water that is available to any who seek for it. How I've gone through life for so long with minimal amounts of this Holy Ghost drenching, is beyond me, but I believe that God is giving to me my request for depth.

. My pastor, spiritual mentor and friends, Sandra Gonzalez left an answering machine message a few months ago
Anita, enter into the Holy of Holies as often as possible," she said.

. I accept this invitation to enter uncharted spiritual termites. God has not disappointed me and Paul, the apostle spoke about being rooted and grounded. In this rooting we discover the depth width and breadth of God's love for us, so deep, in fact that unless we tunnel like an oil drill, we cannot fathom the mysteries of God! Paul was transported out of his body and saw magnificent attributes of God that left Him speechless and without physical strength! They were so marvelous that he could barely remember them or describe them in great depth.

Yesterday, leading worship, I felt gears switching as Holy Spirit was flowed sweetly. A geyser suddenly swept over the worshipers and I was also swept into prophetic worship mode. Over and over, I strummed the A maj7th to C maj 7th chords. God's words flowed from my tongue, not following any progression. By the time an hour had passed, we were caught in rapture of our Abba Father's sweet anointing. All I was an empty conduit for Holy Ghost to flow through. Pastor Sandra was so weak from the anointing as she closed the service and thanked me for allowing the Lord to flow through me.

Of course, I had nothing at all to do with His goodness and mercy. I just wanted Him to have free access and flow. Amazing that the enemy tried to stop me from leading worship at Pastor Sandra's church, by disabling my car . But God cannot be stopped. He had His way as I caught a ride with another church family from Full Gospel.

The enemy still tried to impede God's anointing by causing our equipment to have problems. When I arrived at the church, Mark was struggling with getting my guitar pedals yo work. Feedback came from the speakers. Nonetheless, God's living rivers cascaded over us, regardless of the technical problems.

His presence intensified as we worshiped and we could feel His overwhelming love. I'm just scraping the surface of what God has for me as a prophetic worship leader. Joel prophesied that in the last days, God's people would dream dreams and have visions. A fresh new outpouring of His spirit is available to drench us, but we won't experience that flow until we plunge into Him!

In my dissatisfaction with surface praise, I ask Holy Spirit to draw me closer and to hunger for His presence. I find myself worshiping Him more and more often during the day. He obliges, to my joy and I receive greater revelations of what he has in store for me. My prayers are more powerful and my faith is more confident. I'm seeing God move in every area.

So this is what going deeper means! Why many Christians are not thirsty for this deep water is beyond me. We will see stunning manifestations of His glory and might when we take on aan Elijah faith stance. We must ask him for a double portion of His anointing. Elijah h prayed that it would not rain. And there was a famine in the for over three years. If all of God's children sought to have authorative prayers like Elijah, how we would push back the evil tide of Satan's works on this planet. Come quickly, Lord Jesus, amen!

posted by anita ivette ferrer on 10/07/2010

Journal Entry, Sept 29, 2010 Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

I am moving forward with my book series, "Arise From Your Grave!". Though I've been forced to pay attention to the myriad distractions in my life, I had a creative spurt early last week, thus motivating me to continue adding to my chapters. I have amasses a hug collection of gorgeous photography from over this past year which I will be including in my collection, thanks to Mark.

I also have been very busy uploading photos to my newest site 123RF, a website for professional photographers who wish to sell their artwork. It has been very frustrating, (as is usually the case with me) as the guidelines are very specific. They must be from a digital camera and very big mega pixels. I have spent almost 15 hours in 4 days, only to have him delete almost all of them because he didn't like the keywords I used to describe the pics! Since I have resized many of the photographs, Alex has rejected almost all of them. All photos must first be approved by Alex who is the CEO.. I finally had about 10 approved so I have something to sell now.

I'm still standing firm in my faith regarding my complete restoration. I have been seeing yet another new doctor, DR Rubin, a chiropractor who is focusing on my upper cervical area. I'm also back with DR Tornopsy and Brian at the MYOFASCIAL Treatment Center in Toms River. I'm about at my seventh treatment and hoping soon for a drastic improvement.

There are times I can't stand this discomfort with my jaw mouth movement any longer. I get so drained from the movement, I want to go to sleep and not wake up, but there is just too much to do. My work never ends and just to stay visible online with my music and getting work takes hours and hours at the computer.

The second most frustrating thing about this Dystonia condition is the fighting with HORIZON insurance company. Mark has been very upset about none of my medical expenses and treatments have been covered. Dr Scopelliti in Long brand cost us about $800 and no reimbursement. Mark told me to be sure and collect all my bills to submit to Horizon. I really don't know how the other people with Dystonia do it. It creates more spasms and stress.

Just trying to get an appointment at The Virtua medical center is a headache as the receptionist are never there so I have to wait for then to call me back at their convenience. I drove to Mount Holly three times the past two weeks to speak directly to the referral receptionist. They tell us we have to have special ID numbers before they can get us any referrals from out primary care physician. Headaches all day long!

These movement disorders are out of this world. I never knew there could be so much suffering from an illness. I think there are few conditions that give so much suffering, constant movement and jerking, incredible pain. I guess people with damaged backs suffer more. We all suffer...don't we? The worse thing for me is the pain of biting down on my tongue several times a day. My tongue seems to move right under my molars whn my mouth is closing. I don't think I've read about ANYONE suffering from a bleeding tongue!

I have been diligently delving into the mechanics of neurological movement disorders and have found some very in depth information and research from DR Hugo Bellen and partner Patrik Strecken. They have found a protein called DAP that plays significantly in the disorder of the nerves and chemicals that fire each other from the neuron. I'm wondering what the Dystonia medical researchers are really doing or where they are looking for the causes of Dystonia? If I was a medical student, I would be on that computer and under the microscope all day. There is something to DR Hugo's research. I must keep researching until I can find some way to get these nerves firing correctly and getting restored.

posted by anita ferrer on 09/30/2010

A WIFE"S HEARTACHE Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

Journal Entry, July 17, 2010

My spirit has been very sad the past several. My precious husband, Mark looks especially haggard after working a long week of 16 hour shifts., waking up at 5:30 in the morning. I remember waking up at that hour only one or two times in my entire life. It was unendurable and I lasted but two nights at that factory serving the grave-yard shift. I couldn't imagine the burden of wearing down a 52 year old body who'd pushed his physical reserves to the limit.

As I've gotten to know and love my dear best friend, companion and soul mate, Mark revealed many disturbing stories and devastating trials. Last night while investigating Long Beach Island, he shared a story of doing sound for his friend's band and having his favorite, beloved black leather jacket stolen. His wallet and keys to his van were in it. He never saw it again. I felt his anger as he could feel the pain in his heart as he stressed the fact that belongings were earned by blood, sweat and tears during the 70's when jobs were few and paid under $400 an hour. He was a hard-working and VERY unappreciated young man and even had a strong work ethic, making his story even more poignant.

Other times, he tells me about many episodes of police harassment because of his long hair and van. His long time room mate was a womanizing, woman- hater who even disrespected his own mother. Women were just toys to be used and abused.

I ask Mark if he ever had any supportive influences in his life. He tells me everyone in his family struggled just to survive. Times were very hard and he did the best he could on his own. I think about my own difficult life with so many obstacles. We shared that in common, but I was blessed accepting the Jesus as my Lord and Savior before college. Though, many hard things happened to me, I always asked and received Jesus' help. I can't recall the countless times, He graciously sent me help when I cried out to him.

So I ask my precious husband as he tells me another sordid episode of his life,
"Did you ask the Lord for help?"
"No...I guess I didn't think to ask Him." he ansswers.

Even today as a faithful, hard-working man of faith, my husband struggles with asking God for help. It's not that he doesn't want to ask or doesn't just has been that it was a long-ingrained habit to not ask. With pins in His back, every repair job underneath our vehicles is an excruciating struggle. His face contorts as he truns for a comfortable position, but mostly the bolts and parts are always in the most inaccessable areas...and he always ends up with back pain for teh next several days. Doctors have spoken death that he'll never have more than 35% mobility.

If the shoe was on the other foot, I would rebuke the death claim and decree that by Jesus stripes I am Healed. He has seen me decree God's promises. I have rebuked him for speaking death on a situation, but it's painful to watch my man suffer so. He is fiercely independent and during his life, help was nil. He could only depend on himself.

When I met Mark, I marveled at such a kind, generous and honorable man was treated so disresepctfully. Despite all this, I knew he was what I wanted in a husband and life partner... just like my dad. If anything, I know my choice to marry him, to serve and help him in spiritual would be a full-time responsibility. He is just programmed to see the natural and past consequnces rather than the unseen and eternal ones. I remeind him that this deeply-ingrained habit msut be nipped in the bud.

I ask my Heavenly Father, to grant Mark rest and peace that his body is so tarved for. I had hoped to lessen his burden when I married him, believing that my talents would bring some financial gain so that he didn't have to work double shifts and get so little sleep. At times the heart-ache weighs heavily about this mysterious and nagging Dystonia darining so mcuh of our resources, energy and productivity. I feel helpless and so does he as we acknowledge each others cross.

I hope Mark isn't too miserable expereiencing so many in his life who have taken, but few have given. Harsh male employers have exploited his kindness and resented his work ethic. Ex girlfriends have put hard burdens on him. I wonder how he has survived with such a cost. This precious man that I dearly love is so drained, he can barely drag himself up the foyer stairs. His eyes seem vacant as an empty parking lot. Whenever I drive anywhere, I think of my husband's burdens and pray that God will fix his back and retsore all that was stolen from him. I believe in a God of all provision and though God may not return our reward immediately or even soon, I cling and stand on the Promise! I must or else my husband will dwindle away to nothing more than the automotons I see walking through life, without passion, without joy or without hope. I can't allow him to become a zombie, crushed and broken physically and emotionally.

God is my hope and my prayer is that Jesus will lay my precious husband, at Jesus feet where there is rest and restoration. Lord. come quickly to thy servant1

posted by anita ivette ferrer on 08/10/2010

A LETTER TO DYSTONIA Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

BEka, our moderator at WEGO HEALTH .com, helath acrtivist forum, has asked us to share our feelings about DYSTONIA.
I was the first to write so here is my letter.

Dear Dystonia,

These past three years and 3 months have been the most grueling of all my life. My quantity of life has so diminished that at night before I go to sleep I pray that the good LORD will take me home,...that I do not have to suffer through another day of biting my tongue and inside of my mouth tilll I bleed.
I am still young, (People say I look 35 and sometimes even 29), still can squeeze into a size five and my favorite activity is playing with my 10 month old kitten, Peewee wee. Sorry sweet hubby, Mark.I bring my acoustic Taylor guitar to the boardwalk to uplift the children swinging on the swings, the grandparents and parents,as well as the teens who stop to listen. I must do this or go crazy with a nervous breakdown from the stress of seeing my poor hubby struggle with massive medical cost from treatments and supplements that we hope will give me some relief.

Most of our treatments are NOT covered by his insurance and many of the alternative treatments are very painful. I used to be somewhat satisfied by my looks, but my self-esteem has plummeted because my mouth and jaw twitches so much, making me grimace unattractively. I spent a lot of time alone so people don't have to see my face grimace and when I walk down the street with my little cat, for my exercise,I cover my face.

I guess the thing I hate most about you is that no matter how much I study or research how to cure you...there NO answers. I continue to detoxify and cleanse my liver & kidneys. I drink two dollar a gallon alkaline water, I have been eating organic produce and am semi vegetarian since I married my husband. Long are the fun times I've had when we were first married 5 years ago. the world was a wide open door to enjoy with my hubby. This condition has affected Mark also. he has to watch my cry and be depressed. He is the one suffering sleep apnea and worn our from working so many double shifts to keep up with the huge medical treatments that are not giving any relief. I love my dear husband.

I am but a shadow of the vibrant woman I used to be. I am sure this condition had to be caused by SPLENDA/ NUTRA SWEET artificial sweeteners, mercury, lead, cadmium/mercury poisoning and a life time of my body accumulating toxins and chemicals. So I keep trying to detoxify.

Dystonia has greatly grieved me with the sad fact of so many others suffering worse than me, so disabled they cannot work. I am grateful for my "PIT BULL" mentality, because I won't allow this nemesis to deter me from my mission, sharing the hope of Christ with anyone suffering. Dystonia, I am going to beat you and regain my life. I am still young and still have so much to offer others...HOPE! Because of Christ, the healer, we will win.

Dystonia, you are a defeated foe!

posted by anita ferrer on 07/26/2010

JOURNAL ENTRY, July 17, 2010 Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

I have been waking up with a very sad spirit the past several; weeks and noticing how haggard and old my precious husband is looking. He just finished off a long week of 16 hour shifts, waking up at 5:30 in the morning. I remember waking up at that hour only one or two times in my life. Enduring it was too much to bare and I barely lasted a two days on that factory, grave-yard shift job./ I can't imagine how traumatic it must be to a 52 year old man's body who has spent his whole life pushing his physical reserves to the limit.

As I've gotten to know and love my dear best friend, companion and soul mate, he has revealed many disturbing stories and devastating trials. Last night while investigating Long Beach Island, he shared a story of doing sound fo his friends band and having his favorite, beloved black leather jacket stolen. His wallet and keys to his van were in it and he never saw it again. I could feel the pain in his heart as he reminded me that back in the 70's personal belongings were very hard to come by and purchased with by many long hours of labor at $2.50 to 3 an hour jobs. He was a hard-working and VERY unappreciated young man and even had a strong work ethic.

Other times, he tells me about many episodes of police harassment because of his long hair and van. His long time room mate was a womanizing, woman- hater who even disrespected his own mother. Women were just toys to be used and abused.

I ask Mark if he ever had any supportive influences in his life. He tells me everyone in his family struggled just to survive. Times were very hard and he did the best he could on his own. I think about my own difficult life with so many obstacles. We shared that in common, but I was blessed to have accepted the Lord Jesus as my Savior and Lord at 25. Though, many hard things happened to me, I always was able to ask and receive His help. I can't recall the countless times , my Lord has graciously sent me help when I cried out to him.

So I ask my precious husband as he tells me another sordid episode of his life,
"Did you ask the Lord for help?"
"No...I guess I didn't think to ask Him." he answers.

Even today as a faithful, hard-working man of faith, my husband struggles with asking God for help. It's not that he doesn't want to ask or doesn't just has been that it was a long-ingrained habit. Watching him struggle underneath on of our vehicles with a repair, I see his anguish as he twits and turns, avoid any unnecessary movements that will further hurt his fragile back muscles. He must daily contend with the doctors negative diagnosis that he will operate permanently at a 35 per cent capacity.

If the shoe was on the other foot, I would rebuke the death claim and decree that by Jesus stripes I am Healed. He has seen me decree God's promises. I have rebuked him for speaking death on a situation. It is painful to watch my man suffer so. He is fiercely independent and learned that help was nil. He could only depend on himself.

When I met mark, I marveled at such a kind, generous and honorable man. I knew he was what I wanted in a husband and life partner... just like my dad. And to think that today being married five years, Mark is crippled by his lack of faith and stubbornness to depend on only himself. I must help him to kill this deeply-ingrained habit. He knows better and I can't be with him every hour of the day.

My prayer is for my heavenly Father to grant him the rest and peace that his body is starved for. I hoped to lessen his burden when I married hi, believing that my talents would bring some financial gain so that he didn't have to work double shifts and get so little sleep.

My heartache is that now I am a burden to him with this mysterious ailment that requires so much money. My heart aches at yet another week-end going buy and both my husband and I are drained from contending with little restful sleep and financial concerns. I feel helpless and so does he as we acknowledge each others cross.

What a miserable life my poor husband and has live. So may have taken, but few have given. Harsh male employers have exploited his goodness and good work. Ex girlfriends have put hard burdens on him. I wonder how he has survived. Yes, He has survived, but at what cost.

This precious man that I dearly love is so drained, it takes him effort to even speak aloud God's powerful word which would save him from so much. His heart is like a vacant parking lot. That's what life without God make one. As I drive to the library, tears fall as I think of the isolation Mark felt going through great trials by himself. Oh, how I wish I had been there for him.

My hope in in God that God will fix his back and return what the evil one has stolen from him. I believe in a God of all provision and though God may not return our reward immediately or even soon, I cling and stand on the Promise! I must or else my husband will dwindle away to nothing more than the automotons I see walking through life, without passion, without joy or without hope. I cannot allow him to become a zombie, crushed and broken physically and emotionally.

God is my hope and my prayer is that Jesus will lay my precious husband, at Jesus feet
where there is rest and restoration. Lord. come quickly to thy servant1

posted by anita ivetter ferrer on 07/17/2010

WHY? Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

Journal Entry, July 9, 2010

Why? The ages old poignant wracking of the senses regarding senseless suffering or injustice. WHY does God allow such evil and suffering?

My lovely songbird friend, a mother of a small son and very idealist, cried to me not many afternoons ago. Her life is in shambles and she wonders how she can redeem herself from her credit rating destroyed by her irresponsible soon-to-be ex husband. She was distraught, but proceeded to share her feelings about a young humanitarian church woman who was followed from her church by a man who then brutally raped and murdered her.She could not understand why God did not step in the save this woman from her horrndous demise.
My friend and I are both very creative in art, music and fashion

Life happens and reality reigns.Though poets and artists hope their art will change the world, the reality is we are just a drop in the bucket. Lately, several in my inner circle sing the same refrain, "I am weary, burned out and ready to go home." I too, long to go home to be with Christ, my King where he will rule justly and there will be no more tears nor injustice.

As I write this entry, a soft rain falls. My front lawn is nothing more than dry, maize straw. I pray there will be enough moisture to restore the barren, parched grass into wholeness as I await my own parched spirit to regenerate into the fullness I used to have. I ponder the conversations of my closet confidants who poured there hearts out to me regarding many unpleasantness happening in the lives the past year.
"I can't understand what is going on," they say, exasperated.

The doubtful and the unbelieving ask, "Where is God in all this." I've been around the block long enough to know that God is in the midst of our most fiery trials. He never promised to keep us from them, but he did promise to be with us through them.

My temple has fallen apart the past three years. Every organ and gland in my body was damaged by the Lyme spirochete.My health practitioner, Natalia recently retested me with her digital diagnostic machine and smiled in pleasure.I had improved about 40%. We gazed at my first test. She looked at me,

"Young lady, I didn't want to frighten you last year, but you were very near paralysis." Tears filled my eyes as I ascertained God's mercy in helping me to decree that I would recover fully.As I gaze at the dry, nearly dead lawn in front of me, I see the parallel God shows me, his miraculous hand and restorative power! My redeemer lives, but had my words and healing declarations not be said...where would I be now?

God was cultivating a radical concept and practical formula of recovery and it was by speaking aloud His spoken Word. Do I believe that He is the resurrection and the life?

I call myself a Christian, a little Christ, an imitator of my Master who bought me with a great price at Calvary by His shed blood. At this stage in my faith walk, do I truly believe He is who He said He is? Grueling tests before and at present, disappointments, acute physical and mental anguishes, heartaches, alienations, postponed dreams and visions.
Mary groaned about her brother Lazarus's death, weeping, "Lord, if you had been there, my brother would not have died."

And Jesus, answered, "Did I not say to you that if you believe You would see the glory of God?"
Faith that pleases God must encapsulate unwavering and consistent belief and trust in what He will bring to pass, regardless of what is NOT. Having that strong, unwavering faith and trust avails the promise...His word. Faith is a choice. I choose life if I want to live Duet. 30:19.

We must ask, seek and knock. Will we expect to receive anything from God when we are shifting back and forth like the waves of the sea. God has committed our lives to success and restoration. Sometimes He will take us through the roughest and most barren terrain and leave us to die...before He will resurrect us!

My own tests have pushed me to the very limits of my human and spiritual endurance. In my grasping for tangible relief or trusting in my own efforts, I have failed to receive the promise already mine. I stand at the crossroads and await His direction. The saints before me cheer me on as I lift myself up from a fall.

This is what the journey is about, trusting Him even living in a broken body. Do I believe that He is my healer and that I am made whole? Do you believe?

posted by Anita Ferrer on 07/12/2010

JOURNAL ENTRY, March, 2010 Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

When God throws you into the sea of turmoil, you claw for life like a terrified cat thrown into the river for the first time.. There is no rhythm to the undulation of daily pain and you are consumed with the torment that your hell will never end. The more I struggle to clamor into the presence of the King, the more I'm pulled in different opposing directions, yet I still grope for El Shaddai, the God of all comfort.

As I type and compose this message, every other word is misspelled and needs to be spell checked. The former of flowing creatively as thoughts come to my mind is interrupted by the ugly chore of going backwards each sentence to corrects misspellings and typos. Very fun.

T His miserable condition called Dystonia has truly made life and living a chore. The hobbies and gifts I've enjoyed in the passed are nothing more than a ritualistic way to move past the hours in the hopes that maybe tomorrow, the incessant spasms will end and I can move froward to enjoy my life and what God has called me to do.

I want to run. I want to hide. I want to be carried off into Elijah;s chariot away from the pulling of my spirit, the irritations of my soul and the constant, exhausting efforts of opposing and pushing against. And there are many who are in worse conditions than I. Poor souls who cannot even speak, they must talk through an electronic instrument. Some cannot feed themselves their hands are gnarled and drawn up to their chests.

DYstonia a living hell I wouldn't wish on my worse enemy.. This trial has been too long for me...three years and two months. I must pretend to be happy, after all I'm a long-time Christian. Christians should NOT reveal their pain and disgust with themselves or their sufferings. And when they do, they are rebuked and so-called friends will disconnect because they cannot handle the ugliness of the reality of chronic illness.

Count it all brethren...but don't complain OUT loud. No one wants to hear you die, LOL!

Sometimes I hold on and put on a strong face, but I'm not really strong. Any supplement or treatment that gives me the hope of some relief, I'll take.
And so, tomorrow is another day. I wonder how long Job suffered scraping himself of his boils. How many months or years before God gave him back his health, His children and his wealth How many of us have truly wept at the suffering of this faithful man. He is now my second hero after Jesus Christ, of course. What piety and nobility that Job said, "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed is the name of the LORD. Yet though HE slay me.

I concur with you, Job! Where can I go from the Lord. Whether I make my bed in hell or reach the lofty mountain tops I lift up my eyes to Lord in n whom my helps comes from. So be it Amen.

posted by anita ivette ferrer+ on 06/21/2010

INJUSTICE Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

Journal Entry, May 27 2010

An ominous, voluminous unseen cloud ever closer, enveloping my hopes, dreams, vision and sometimes even my God given promises and His truth. The cloud is called injustice and it has not only pervaded my life, but almost every person on this planet from the beginning of time til the present and even threatening the future.

My first encounter with injustice was experiencing the event of a policeman evicting me from my home because of a phone call from my emotionally disturbed mom. It was the beginning of a string of negative events of rejection, homelessness and depression that I have thankfully overcome through God's healing restoration.

If injustice were just my past, dead and gone, it would surely have been vanquished by my Faith decrees. But injustice prevails, a perpetually glutenous entity devouring unknowing and gullible victims of the present. Injustice deeply grieves me and history has depicted its cruel grasp on humanity.

Victims come in all colors, age groups, faiths, sizes and creeds. Priest and kings, slaves and the middle class have been dragged into captivity during the siege of Jerusalem by the King of Babylon.

Insecure, fragile, aspiring and vivacious women are beguiled and brutalized by violence and intimidation, (and sometimes even murder) by insecure, mentally ill, partners African villagers have been murders by terrorists wielding axes all because of the size of their noses Genocide has scourged people from the earliest times The status of helpless, unborn babies is still be debated while thousands more are ripped apart in their own mothers wombs, which become their own bloody tombs.

Unconventional and struggling artists and musicians combat rejection from an industry that hasn't the time for constructive criticism and guidance because they are too busy empowering the machine for lucrative gain. many spirits have been broken.

Prejudice, discrimination, short attention-spans and greed have opened the door to a technology-driven culture that becomes colder and number each day.

Millions of illegal immigrants continue to pour through our borders, draining our economy and burdening hard-working, tax payers and legal immigrants, (who gained citizenship by the book) who are rightful citizens. The middle class are bearing the weight of this fiasco injustice.

Many Americans foresee their future with great trepidation because of a president who has whose agenda is teh most liberal of any president in office. What is the future of our children? Will they enjoy the Christian liberties we have enjoyed for decades or will they suffer the constraints of Socialism and worse yet, Communism? r Are we paying attention to what is happening with out beloved nation?

Our health care care system will usher in changes that will affect out and our childrens lifetime.

I am told to rest in the Lord and meditate on Him. Most assuredly, underlying, unconscious thoughts about my country's future are contributing to the Dystonia nervous symptoms I've been struggling with. God's peace passes all understanding and no weapon formed against me shall prosper. That is true.

However, how do I address and curtail these broiling emotional issues as I ponder their repercussions? What do I do about the unconscious grievances for the slaughtered unborn babies, oil spills that have killed sea life and our environment, battered women and their children, martyred saints and the victims of genocide? Our soldiers paid a great price for freedom and justice for all Americans and yet...have we forgotten? It's business as usual for most.

Too many are mindlessly ignoring the condition of our culture, preferring to be politically correct. Morality of our nation is declining with the impending threat of socialism. I am a patriot and though I love peace...I hate evil. I despise the evil oppressing the weak. And I know that God despises evil overpowering the defenseless victim. He is a just and loving God.

How do I balance hating what is evil and resting in the shadow of the Almighty's wings? I cannot be a hypocrite and embrace the beginnings of socialism, abortion and genocide/ethnic cleansing. I cannot smile idly while a liberal agenda threatens out society as we knew it and for what courageous veterans, (many of who lost their lives in battle) fought for our freedom and the right to protest!

I cannot stand neutral of issues of absolute right and wrong for it is my moral and godly responsibility to uphold those things that my Lord and Savior taught and preached against. ...justice and liberty for all. I have seen many Christian friends seek the admiration of men, but I am a God-pleaser.

This is a sad time where many will lose their lives and our Nation will be turned upside down. As for me and my house...we will serve the Lord!

posted by anita ivette ferrer, asbury park angel on 05/28/2010

THE DIMINISHMENT OF A WORLD POWER, JOurnal Entry, Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

JOURNAL ENTRY, May 20, 2010

Another week-end begins as summer's warmth begins. I reassess my life, emails & phone calls to loved ones and God's peculiar path for me. I await a response from an email to a gentleman from PSE&G reagrding my song, "In the Blink of an Eye. (DUI, Weapon of Hate)." The email provoked a new excitement for addressing issues that irked Mark & I. The email also contained pictures of ogling people on the sidelines "rubbernecking" a horrific crash. Business as usual.

I recall images of that near fatal accident Mark and I were called upon to administer aid to the victims involved. I will never forget that day. Our Browns Mills Detective never returned my calls about my concern for the condition and whereabouts of the three men injured that day. Would I ever know how they recovered and what became of that young man who sped through that stop sign at 70 miles an hour. Did anyone here in our even care?

That was the problem. Even long time personal friends had little response to my emails, phone calls, hand-made cards or even my personal internet blogs. I sit on my front porch swing and listen to my heart. Emotions and longing come out unrestrained after so long ignoring time with my Heavenly Father. I realize how alone I have felt and how deeply I feel about all that has transpired on this planet. Political and social changes broiling at the speed of light and people following suit like the drones of Star Trek's Borg species. Is that what America has become?

I start to weep as I dream of resting in the shelter of my Father's wings...peace and camaraderie was what I wanted so badly. I believed in loving fully and deeply, my outstretched arms seeking to comfort, but what I was getting was a pushing away and a shirking of people I looked up to and trusted with my innermost secrets and feelings.

Is there any place for an artist/poet in 2010? Am I a dinosaur in vintage attire that no one seems to get? Why has God put me here in such a hostile atmosphere where I am ignored, pushed away and disrespected? Here am I, Lord.

My thoughts go to our nations heritage. Now murderous, terrorist schemes are seethe beneath the surface of our once spiritually thriving culture. I feel the soul of America ebbing, choking the breath away like a serial killer to his victim. The protest and cries fall on deaf ears of a souless society. No one wants to hear th moderns poets who speak aloud what they feel and see..

I have never been so heartbroken by the desensitizing of men, women and children today, tethered to their cellphones, i-pads, i-pods and computers. Even my former songwriting collaborators have surrendered their creative talents to regurgitate stale covers for commercial gain.

I weep at such death and staleness. God said. "behold, I am doing a new thing." Some can be swayed by the pompous, eloquent words of some, so-called artists and leaders,. They have a form of godliness, but deny the power thereof. I'm privy to it, given by the precious Holy Spirit. God's sheep hear His voice and I can''t be fooled.
This generation has become lazy and fat to work through their surroundings and lives with passion as a masterpiece. They are glassy-eyed and mesmerized by what teh media is presenting. God will not have it and will not share His Glory with anyone.

God's new prophets will come from rejected, despised and broken stock.
Like the glorious unbridled wild horses of the mountains, so am I, a free-spirit, struggling to stay untainted by the world and its ideologies.Some would have me go away because I make them feel convicted and angry, just like when Jesus rebelled and overthrew the money changers in His Father's house. I cannot make merchandise of what is sacred. I cannot throw my pearls to have swined trample them underfoot.

So, I weep as I sit on the porch swing. My tender ears hear the sweet singing of birds ebven amounst a neghbors lwnmoweer. One cannot shut out the beauty of God's nature. To the pure they will prevail. Who am I writing these words for? Why should I toil away, pecking dysexically at this keyboard...for naught? But when I am gone, someone will fall to their knees to give glory to the One who has given us His untarnished gift of love, nature and each other.

Has much of the world gone cold? Jesus said that mother will turn against daughter and child against parent. Arrogance has taken the place of respect for the wisdom and experience of the sage. We are here already. He who has an ear, let him hear. Lord, I am listening.

posted by Anita Ivette Ferrer. Asbury Park Angel on 05/24/2010

A Sisters Letter Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

Journal Entry, May 13, 2010

This letter is dedicated to my precious younger sister who suffered a great deal of child abuse & neglect that was never counseled or healed. Although I didn't endure the great suffering she did, my response to our placement in foster homes was severe clinical depression, fear, cowering and throwing myself into my art and animals. Being that no one cared to listen or understand, we made choices that were very damaging. My prayer is that the church will take up where the inept parents left off: bringing healing, compassion and restoring the broken, shattered emotions of foster kids. This week God has opened up my eyes to the invisible damage that is carried even into adult lives decades later. Lord, heal our hearts Amen.

Sisters waging private wars. Sisters torn apart by grief.

Sisters ravaged by memories scars of the past,

Sisters scarred by battles from the past

Sisters needing what only God can give.

Oh Lord heal us, and let us live.

Sister, Let us come together.

Sister, let us find relief

Let the healing come,

Today was a strange day & I believe the Lord, (coupled with badly damaged emotions) has given me a revelation. I just wanted to tell you that I'm beginning to get an inkling of what you've been going through your whole life and I want to tell you that I've never had any resentment, scorn or anger towards you, (maybe profound bafflement, but never anything toxic). I REALLY understand where your feelings are coming from and why. I'm almost in tears right now & feel SO angry, (at the world...for being such an unkind place, at some men for their stoic & sometimes unsympathetic logic & my (our own) female helplessness. I despise this female weak side of me, the enigmatic child who wants to be tenderly nurtured and yet also being strong, independent & free-spirited. How can men ever understand us???

This may be strange for you to hear this from me, but I have no where else to place these feelings. You of all people would know what I'm talking about. We are so very much alike. All our lives we've wanted to be cherished and loved tenderly by mom & dad & fate took us in opposite directions. We made choices that changed our lives & perspectives of love forever & now we will have a tough time to change such deeply rooted scars! I've been a little luckier than you, but I have a similar anguish that can only be quenched by the Good Lord's patient healing & Mark's being able to get beneath the surface of my feminine rage that I've been able to assuage through throwing myself into my art and cats. The only reason I haven't had a breakdown is God & these precious innocent cats who have tempered my sadness.

I guess I may have to go into Christian counseling again. I thought I was whole, but I am NOT. My responses and interactions with certain men show that there is mistrust and I'm not sure where this stems from. Mark has been so wonderful and willing to try to understand me, but I feel broken for you that You haven't found that compassion yet. I am praying, Sis that God will rest you in the shelter of His wings & give you the most tender compassion & healing that you deserve. We have been through so much and we have yet for anyone to understand & say it's okay. We are very misunderstood & no one wants to! They can't fathom the under currents of rage that we struggle to smother, but it comes out, doesn't it?

I wouldn't hold my breath though for mom or dad to apologize. Some people have too much pride to say, "I'm sorry for being so harsh to you when you were little. Please forgive me." It must have been agonizing that you got a terrible beating for as a little girl. And I can't imagine the sadness of that foster mother leaving you & Leslie alone in that cold house as well as That lecher man trying to molest you & our own parent not defending you. What a blow to ones fragile person! And believe me, I was devastated to hear you scream. Amazing that we're grown women and still are haunted by harsh abuse and neglect, and every time (an outsider like a co-worker, friend (or in your case a neighbor ) rejects or misunderstand you, it's a traumatic issue. I know this all stems from our childhood abuse & neglect.

I love you dearly & I won't give up believing that God has something very special for you. I guess I just needed to get this off my chest. It's like a light bulb went on in my head about a relationship in my life going awry.

I'm sad that the years have taken us so far from each other, but with our Heavenly father, it is never too late. I hope to be able to listen with a little more understand from this point on. I luvs ya , Sis.

posted by Anita Ivette Ferrer on 05/12/2010

DANDELION TEA from WEEDS Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

Here is a letter that I answered to a brother on SHOUTLIFE.

EVERY now and then, the enemy tries to get my mind off the LORD and His business onto my so-called music failures. If you go to my Indie heaven site you'll see i have FIVE CDs on my page . 1. I'll fly high in 96, 2.Asbury Park angel in 2001, 3 Devotion/One small warrior 2006, 4 mod prophet EP in 2007, ( My favorite rock covers AND a JAZZ cover CD) came between the original projects.

I've been struggling for 11 years financing my CDS by delivering telephone books. It is grueling physical work for a woman, but like you, ALL my "so-called" contacts fell through in the past. Four producers didn't help me to get my project where it could have gone, (or knew how to give me that commercial sound for commercial success.

MY book,"marching to the Beat of a Different Drum" my 3rd attempted BOOK tells about my experiences. as a Christian woman minister. I'm so burned out by the physical exertion of my delivering, I have NO energy or motivation after my routes to even pursue publishers for my BOOK. Writing a full length book is Not easy work & takes a lot of FOCUS.

BUT...I REFUSE the let Satan think He has stolen something form me. Thou he kills (DREAMS) steals (HEALTH) and destroys (marriages & relationship), GOD is the restorer & returns what the Palmer worm has stolen. If there are are Christians out there who aren't constantly being attacked, they aren't a threat to Satan's' domain! Hallelujah

I CHOOSE to focus oh loving & knowing him more AND touching as many people during my travels AND counting my blessings. These two weeks delivering have been the WORSE in all my 11 years. I have BAD hay fever, (besides dealing with the miserable DYSTONIA seizures). Pollen has been SO bad that its a fine powder that makes me sneeze & blow my nose constantly. My nose runs so much I can barely breath. The wind has also been much more brisk. It is miserable o not be able to enjoy the fresh air like I used to for I'm terrified of taking my allergy tablets anymore because it's found that they contribute to Dystonia!

God makes a way, though. He blessed me with a darling kitten, PeeWee that I take everywhere & hubby Mark bought me a beautiful new digital camera. You should see the pics I get. Talk about making lemonade from lemon...a books, gorgeous flower and animal photos and two, working Cats as my little companions. God keeps out doing himself!

Make dandelion tea out of your weeds!
I'm praying for you my brother & will lift you up to my dear Indie Heaven family.

Lord, let me be a blessing today!

posted by anita ivette ferrer on 05/05/2010

THE CALLING Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

Journal Entry, April, 22, 2010

This past year, I ponder my path as a journalist, songwriter/modern prophet. I capture the painful nuances of not only my life, but those He put me in contact with. He gives me glimpses of His love through their lives and struggles. This is now my main work, portraying the meaning of suffering in such a way that it is not frightening or offensive. With God's new revelation, I no longer acquiesce to repercussions of hopelessness and despair of injustice, killings and prodigal children, but acknowledge these through filter of His grace and mercy. This is the miracle of suffering...His supernatural intervention and restoration!

My promotion as a songwriter/musician to spiritual God scientist parallels the work of the professor who scrutinizes the specimen on the microscopic slab, intent upon analyzing the constituents which make the virulent plague...sin. In spite of persistent studying confirms no cure...but God. The only cure is God for this kind of virulent and rampant strain

Religion, education Science and Psychology have all failed in their flimsy attempts to heal the inner man. Masters, Bishops, Popes and professors are deluded into believing that their tremulous studies and experiment can tame or arrest sin. Sin has the most infections and terrifying properties of even the most devastating strain ever known to mankind, tainting every soul alive from the beginning of time to the present...worse than the depicted in any science fiction movie!
Only with the continual immersing of the baptism can the disease be tamed by putting on the mind of Christ..
Just the other night, I mourned the slow rate of my recovery. Tears fell as I asked my Heavenly father why I had to endure such suffering for such a long period of time.

"Father, I know you love me, not because I feel your love, but because You've said so in your word and I walk by faith and not by sight." In coming to maturity, His children must learn to believe even without seeing or feeling. His love for me does not entail me waking up and feeling physical exuberance, vitality or feeling happy. For me it has been an arduous and elaborate gleaning of the carnal/intellectual versus the intricate glories of His workmanship, especially in suffering.

God created a perfect and pure world in the garden of Eden. That perfection was marred through Adam and Eve's sin traversing mankind through the flood onto the annihilation of sin and death through the atoning blood of JESUS Christ.

God continues to use vessels who choose to receive His instruction however, difficult, humiliating, and baffling to expound .His deeper truths. I marvel and ponder why , despite my many weaknesses, physical facilities and emotional handicapped He continues to graciously reveal His ways and will? Often, the bodily pain is so strong that I want Him to stop and carry me like Elijah into a chariot to the heavens. "It is enough, Lord," I cry out exhausted from sobbing and opposing.

My writings and songs have now evolved into deeper revelations. I wouldn't expect many to get them and I often wrestle with myself as whether I should waste the time and effort to share such knowledge with a generation so dull of hearing. Hours of editing and composing these spiritual gems usually end up with one or two people who receive and rejoice, I'm tired of delivering telephone books in the elements to secure finances to record songs that are just too deep for the mainstream. Just when I think I'm finsihed with music or writing, I am encouraged by the Holy Spirit. I forge forward and my Father blesses me with favor.

This is the way of the prophet Misunderstood, scorned and often ignored, but determined and obedient to capture His word and give it to a lost culture driven by secularism and materialism
Lord...throw the life rope. Someone's down there!".

posted by anita ivette ferrer, asbury park angel on 04/24/2010

EVERY LITTLE THING Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

Journal Entry, April 6, 2010

As I lay my head down on my pillow on Easter Eve, I blessed the Lord for His kindness. Mark woke up early for Easter Sunday. I was expected to lead worship for our main church, Full Gospel & then go directly to our other church, then go straight home to cook vegetable lasagna from scratch, then entertain my family, a widow & a lone neighbor. For the average woman, this would itself would be challenging, but I trusted the Lord & decreed that This Easter Sunday would be a blessing.

We became more concerned as it neared five o'clock, ( my sister demanded we have dinner by 3). Mark retorted, "Who ever heard of ANYONE having dinner at 3?!" ...after lil sis fussed about driving the hour drive. When 5 arrived, he deduced that they wouldn't show up after all my efforts cooking. I didn't focus on the effort of all the preparing, but counted my blessings, in particular remember a conversation with a neighbor two nights before. Denise asked how I was. "I bless the Lord for His blessings every day. Just the fact that he gave me strong legs to walk my power walks & to be able to sing & play guitar in worship to Him is beyond comprehension.

"How remarkable that you find reasons to be thankful with your obvious pain/condition. The conversation punctuated with her thankfulness for her blessing. Her daily walks led her to befriending a retired army chaplain who cheered her on as she walked her way to losing a hundred pounds! You'd never expect this from her after our last deck luncheon. Denise seemed very oput off over Mark sharing his testimony. But I keep praying & believing for God to touch Denise's heart.
MY family finally arrived a little after 5 & all were gracious & pleasant. There was something different about my mom, also. After praying for 27 years, she seemed softer & less critical. I had my fasting buddies interceding on her behalf. I asked mom, "Are you watching Joel Osteen, mom?" Everyone was relaxed & we ended up having a wonderful evening.

Just getting back from a beautiful walk at Cattus Island State Park, I though about the beauties of my tiny sate, New Jersey. Nothing could compare to the ocean & sprawling forest that I so felt my Abba Father's comforting presence. I had quite so much to worship & thank Him for. My 8 month old kitten, Pee Wee brought smiles to all as she gazed at the flittering birds, perched on my shoulder. We both admired the natural beauty of the environment God created for me to admire.
Lately, as I learn lessons from my falls & press forward to experience His presence in even more ways & situations, I become teary-eyed. He is so gracious, merciful & forgiving. he has given us SO much & He loves us with an incomprehensible & lavish love that only a God like HIM could bestow!

As I grow into His grace, I realize that worship is every little thing we praise Him for & recognize. Even in adversity, He gives us the ability to relish and languish in His rest and peace. Today, as I ponder the small & insignificant events that have transpired this Easter week-end, I am once again awed by His grace.
Every little thing is significant when viewed & experienced through His grace...every little thing!

posted by Anita Ivette Ferrer on 04/05/2010

RAINY DAY BIRTHDAY! Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

Yup...I'm another year older. Can't stop the clock. A woman can't help but re-asses her life, goals, looks, figure & most important, her spiritual progress & momentum up the mountain of faith. Looking in the mirror, I grimace, "What happened to those sparkling coal black eyes & that upturned smile". My nick name used be "Smiley" as aa newbie sales girl at Junior Colony at the Seaview Square Mall. Today, the only way I get a good belly laugh is a hilarious move like BIG Momma's House or The Nutty Professor" I easily maintained a size five & could find nothing to complain about. Everyone wanted to be my friend. Today, I can could my 'real" friends on two hands. the years have changed me....or has God? Sometimes the line is blurred. I had enough tragedy for three lifetimes, but amidst it all, God's miraculous hand lifted me from out of the tempest's torrents. Whenever I'm tempted to mourn my losses, my countless victories suddenly illuminate, 1, 2,3 50, 56, 70. I keep on counting....there are many more to come, So...I don't count the many candles overcrowding the top of my birthday cake...I collect a bushelful of miracles He has blessed me with!

Rain can pour down today, but He is the sunshine on my life. There could be no better birthday gift than Him.

It raining here in Jersey on my birthday.

posted by anita ivette ferrer on 03/12/2010

UNVEILING the AMERICAN FEMALE Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

Commentary, March 1, 2010

Smart men have finally found their platform to expose the true essence of the modern American woman. Essayist, Snark, e-magazine Spearhead, unveils one example of the female illogic. Anti-theist Angie, who demystifies her plan to get an abortion right on You tube seems delusional at best and summarizes her announcement by stating that her upcoming abortion will be "tweeted" on Twitter. She assures us that," It's really not that bad,."and "This is the best choice."

Are we talking about choice here?
Angie's plan to publicize her abortion with such nonchalance is a real black eye for woman kind worldwide. Men, in general, will agree with Snark's assessments of the females ability to equal mans ugliest traits. but his deductions are right on in most cases. Snarks' essay elaborates on the intricately tapestried and panoramic ideologies of secular female arrogance, delusion and self-centeredness. Angie's You tube video is the icing on the cake for feminism. She signs out by saying, "Have a Godless day" and "Peace" How peaceful for her tiny unborn child to soon be ripped apart in her womb at the end of the abortion.

The information about abortion being risky has been out for decades. Has she not heard about the abortion doctor who damaged the bodies of several woman after he punctured their insides. Today, deluded woman are still proselytizing about choice and the owning of their bodies.

Women's suffrage has positioned feminine equality into a state of radical transformation, totally removing the lady out of the woman. Disgruntled housewives now have the same impetus for rebellion as the embittered, kidnaped slaves forced to labor and inferior status..There has never been a case of successfully fighting fire with fire. Rather than extinguishing raging flames, grater loss and damaged occurs with disastrous results..
Snark remarks:
Women have lost their femininity...young women who spend their nights hopping bars and clubs,
their faces painted up like clowns, aggressively pursuing men for casual sex, can hardly be called feminine. Their allure is superficial, and appeals only to the physical senses; is it any surprise that men
want nothing more to do with them, following sex (if that)? You can shop all day long for that perfect
outfit which just oozes class, but that's certainly not the vibe you give off when you pass out on
the street in a pool of your own vomit."

Girls and women today complain that they are treated like sex objects and not respected, yet they disrespect themselves by allowing boys and men to paw them like toys. The fault lies with the parents, especially the father whose influence affirms his daughter to be a woman and/or wife of worth and integrity When fathers neglect to guide and influence the daughter in the area of discipline and values, they set them up for failure and co-dependence. The daughter will seek her worth in the sexual leers and attention of boys. I am who I am today because of my strict, Catholic father who took us to mass ever Sunday and drilled in us an entrepreneur spirit and love for work. I've never lost his training and it's brought me through many famine periods in my stormy life.
Snark continues:

"Women, of course, are free to pursue their own masculinity as they please; dressed in pantsuits and
armed with false bravado, they declare themselves the superior gender, the eventual victors of the long
and fierce battle of the sexes. And yet, with all this cheering and braying regarding women's apparent
victory over the opponents who didn't even bother to show up at the battlefield for four decades,
I just don't see it. When I look around me, I see women absolutely failing to live up to this archetype
which the mainstream feminist media presents. Strong, independent, sexy, smart, etc.? One could
consider that feminism has created more demands for women to live up to than "patriarchy"
ever did.

It is time to do some serious soul-searching, ladies and get back to basics. There is much to be said for the good old-fashioned Biblical woman in proverbs and some of the heroines of the Old testament. Most likely, Ruth and young Esther, (before she became queen) were not chasing men. These young women were obedient, thoughtful, industrious and compassionate, listening to their elders direction and aspiring to noble endeavors. Rather than seek a husband, Ruth chose to follow her mother in law to a far-away foreign land to work and to support her and her mother-in-law.. Esther was 14 year old young girl diligently obeying her uncle as he prepared her for Queen ship status.

Snark adds:

...""Criticism of women is strictly verboten; such is the official policy of the guardians of popular
culture. A great narcissism has flourished, leading women to overvalue themselves so much that
they price themselves out of the dating market, No wonder that women who believe,
simply by virtue of being women – that they exemplify perfect girlfriends, wives
and mothers, should want to hold their potential suitors to the same standards. Introspection and honesty with oneself have no place in the female Locus of
Consciousness, which appears to operate on the principle that "the truth is
whatever I want to be the truth."

Paul. The Biblical Patriarch and teacher teaches otherwise, Show interest in things of others and not just in your own interests. He also tells us to judge ourselves soberly and not inflating our self importance.

. There's something to be said for the good, old-fashioned gentile-ism of the Biblical "Proverbs 31" woman. Who can find a virtuous wife for her worth is far about rubies? Her husband trusts her. She does him good and not evil. She is industrious, working diligently to keep her home running efficiently, provides for her servants & family, reaches out to the poor and needy, purchases and invests into worthwhile endeavors. She is not co-dependent or helpless, aspiring to buy property and sell her commodities. Her reputation precedes her and even her husband is honored because of her integrity and influence. She is compassionate and concerned about the needs of those around her and is also skillful and creative, making attractive garments for her household. This is what a woman should be.

Sadly, a small minority of our sisters follow this standard. The women's lib movement has damaged and tarnished the person of woman more than anything in history. Like the embittered kidnaped slaves forced to labor and given inferior status fighting back in revenge, liberated women have followed suit. Because of the retaliatory Women's Lib movement, the God-ordained role of the woman has become a decrepit and conflict-tinged presentation of femininity at its worst. This inferno has escalated into teen pregnancy, date rape and abortion for any reason. The battle of the sexes has caused high divorce rates, child neglect/abuse and financial ruin for otherwise decent, hard-working men whose only desire was to provide for their families. This awful imbalance of the marriage unit cannot continue without devastating consequences.

This pitiful, deluded woman, Angie the atheist, is using every available resource to publicize her "truth" to the world. Gullible and uneducated women all over the world will follow suit, accepting her ignoble and ignorant ideology. Doesn't she know that the information has been out already for decades? Abortion is not benign! Dangerous abortion doctors are continuing their butchery on deluded women with no conviction at all. How many more women will die and/or become permanently injured emotionally and physically?.And how many heartbroken and compassionate boyfriends and husbands will weep for being left out of the equation?

It is time for woman and man to take responsibility for their actions and own up to the consequences of their decision. The greatest gift God gave us is choice and that gift was presented to Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden where their "mis-choice" opened up a Pandoras box of misery, destruction and human slavery of every kind. .

We ladies must step up to the plate and make things right for the sake of survival. God created us be the life-givers and healers, but we have now become authors of death to our own unborn children!

The bottom line here is that the pendulum must swing back: to integrity and morality with both sexes. We can't condone our lax and selfish actions and lifestyle because of the other sex. God has given us the freedom to do whatever we want, so then we must accept the consequences for our choices and actions. If a couple choose to engage in pre-marital sex, then they must understand the implications of an unwanted pregnancy or abortion option.

Despite the mainstream's politically-correct, (and even hated) attitude towards the Bible and its teachings, we will left to our own devises and pay the piper of our own choices! I choose to embrace its wisdom and learn self control. Obedience to its principles have rewarded me grandly!

This essay, Angie's plan to abort her unborn baby and our tarnished woman/mankind are all about choices. Will we merge our God given attributes: mans logic and physical strength with woman's sensitivity, nurturing and intuition to make a unified and beautiful entity or will we wield our verbal and sexual battle axes to maim and destroy? Will our actions and choices benefit ourselves and those around us for the good or destruction of man/womankind?

That is the question.

posted by anita ivette ferrer on 03/01/2010

KEEPING SECRETS Pt 1 Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

(Family Generational Curses & Sins)

Suzanne Somers wrote a powerful book about her family's secret of alcoholism. Reading her story, I was moved by her courage to lay herself open to criticism. How could she reveal such personal stuff about herself and her family?

How evil and Satan love to cower, hidden in the darkness. I concur with Suzanne's courage. Christ came not to bring peace but to divide and He talks about that division when one enters into the covenant of grace and salvation. Christ has entered my soul and life with His peace and healing. I am a NEW creation in Christ!

Presently, I mourn about the deadly poison inflicting my own family for over thirty years. My mother and sister have preferred to hide in the darkness and cower for fear of Christ illuminating their darkness. Many nights, I've tossed and turned in bed, grieving for what the enemy has robbed from me, a family that loves and communicates honestly.

To them, honesty means criticizing, back-biting and gossiping behind each others back with a cruelty and unforgiving vengeance that has greatly damaged each other and me...And they still embrace evil and sin. I weep in sadness, still praying every night for my mother and younger sister for 27 years, (since committed my life to Jesus Christ in 1983.) Change has yet to come.

But...God is more than able to heal and bring this family to a cleansing, redeeming state. They do not hear, preferring to ignore my phone calls or emails.

Abuse/neglect, drugs and alcohol all have the same results: alienation, bitterness, unforgiveness and self pity. Once an offense has not been forgiven, a door opens into the Satanic realm. Forgiveness has destroyed many friendships, families, marriages and lives. Jesus said, "If you do not forgive you will not be forgiven." Forgiveness is not a perquisite. It is a command.

My family situation has escalated into hideous, spiritual proportions. When a mother can tell a daughter that she will "sh...t" on her youngest daughters grave" and forbids three of her four daughters from attending her own (future) funeral...a line has to be drawn and evil must be confronted. When a sister tells her oldest sister who is being violently abused by a demon-possessed husband, "You deserve it for all your dalliances with these young guys" a line has to be drawn.

Having gone through so many evil and tempestuous storms and abuses, I'm no longer afraid to confront, because Christ has called me to stand against the principalities of darkness. Satan is a defeated foe, but still seeks to destroy the marriage and family unit. I will not cower before him, nor my mother or sister. I honor my mother and father as the Bible commands, but I cannot stand to watch them be used as Satan's pawn to damage other members of the family.

My journey to healing has been a long one. I've faced my demons of fear and compliance and taken responsibility for the privilege of choice. I'm no longer a slave to an abuser and know how how to wield my sword of courage and erect the appropriate boundaries. I've also learned about the healing balm of "not let the sun down on my wrath." God allows us to be "righteously" angry until we go to sleep, but we must never carry that grudge into the next morning or we will open a door to Satan's domain.

Fight fire with fire??? Truly, the bonfire will rage. We must douse the flames with love and forgiveness and take responsibility for our part. With Christ all things are possible.

posted by Anita Ivette Ferrer on 02/18/2010

ONE SMALL SOLDIER Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

This 26 year veteran/soldier of God's mighty army and I obediently write and speak about what God has placed on my heart. Being still and knowing God has enabled mer to navigate the perilous mine fields of life. Walking and resting in the shadow of the Almighty gives me the endurance to run her race: and one day receive the crown of life when I meet my master and Savior face to face..

In many way, my life has mirrored Joseph's, (Patriarch of the Old testament) where unjust and devastating circumstances could have deterred me from my calling and God's love. My heroes, Old testament prophets, Ezekiel and Jeremiah as well as Joseph and Job, have encouraged me to not shirk God's intense refining. Confirmations prophesied to me throughout my long faith walk, gave me comfort and reassurance that I was on the right track as long as I stayed close to my Savior.

The trials have been excruciating, to say the least, but God's precious glimpses into His grace and glory as well as the hurting people along the way have far outweighed the difficult setbacks. Taxing illnesses and painful emotional healing from child abuse, anorexia/bulemia, inferiority complex, a violent marriage and divorce and life-threatening, chronic illnesses as lessons from the past. Today, I'm a transformed product of one completely surrendered to Christ!

My latest studio project, MOD PROPHET, isn't light-hearted fare. I address painful, relevant issues, losses and injustices that I experienced firsthand and helped others to overcome.
Mod Prophet tackles the human struggle with sin, "I Keep Falling," "Surrender," a plea of a spouse unwilling to divorce, "Testosterone, Logic & Intuition" addresses the Battle of the sexes and "Policing the Other" exposes hypocrisy and legalism in the church. I do balance these weighty subjects with anthemic songs of courage and spiritual endurance, "Coup De'Etat" (God's command of courage to Joshua) and even a few artsy love ballads!

I have never been one to confine myself into a box and have embraced my multi-dimensional art, inspiring with excellence, truth, beauty and the heart of God. I refuse to compromise my unconventional art for the sake of commercialism, preferring to present God's perspective however sobering and hard-hitting, like the old-time prophets I so revere. They were not popular, and at times even despised and so I understands the call and submit.
To obey is better than to sacrifice and God is my reward!

posted by anita ivette ferrer on 02/06/2010

INtroducing the WISDOM WORKSHOPS, Spring 2010 Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

Happy New Year

I know God has blessed you and your loved ones with the hope and peace only He can give. MY prayer list has had to be revised again...and I'm always amazed at the trials people go through. I have been persistent and faithful going through my almost 3 year trial with Dystonia from Lyme Disease and KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt, that people I meet in my travels who are very ill or dying will be impassioned to believe in their complete healing and recovery. This has been the lesson that I've had to learn and plan on teaching it through my WISDOM WORKSHOPS coming this Spring!

Never before have I sought the Lord and know that He has amazing plans for me...and the people who listen and learn from my workshops. I hope you spread the word or consider attending the bi-monthly workshops which will be held in St Luke's Methodist Church, 535 Broadway, Long Branch, NJ. I'll be emailing flyers soon, so you can prepare for an amazing growth and enrichment in your faith walk. Anyway, who desire to victor over stubborn bumps in their lives can benefit. There will be valuable emotional and spiritual resources for every broken person.

It is my prayer that everyone who faithfully attends will reach a new , powerful and exciting plateau as they scale the mountain to God!

posted by Anita Ivette Ferrer on 01/08/2010

January 2, 2010 Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

Journal Entry January 2, 2010

As I save the last touches of my sermon notes, I marvel as I review my past year with the Lord. I was a little surprised when my pastor emailed me to ask me if I would teach/preach this Sunday's, a preacher?! I'd be the last one in the world to have any monumental thing to tell anyone. But God has always blessed my obedience and I take this challenge as yet another of His opportunities to expand my gifts and trust in His ability to supply me with ALL I need.

This past year's struggles haven't diminished in the least, but He is always near to me whether I make my bed in hell or ascent to the mountain tops. (I am still waiting to reach. I've never been there, lol).

The Spirit reminds me of the great men and women of God who were called into great destinies from very small beginnings. Ruth was a young, poor widow, Joseph was the boastful dreamer despised by his own step-brothers and thrown into a pit. David was a shepherd boy away on sheep leave when Samuel came to seek a new King and let us not forget Gideon, the least in his father house and of the smallest tribe. These people's lives were excellent fodder as prepare to exhort tomorrow at church.

What a comfort God's word is to the outcast, the widow, the elderly, the precious child who knows what he wants to be at 7 years old. God truly is a master artisan of our souls, a reconstructor of shattered lives, dreams and families. He calls those things that ARE not into existence. He resurrects those who have never lived and who have just about died.

No other faith or religion can restore what we have lost or give us life from death.
Though I didn't have a lavishly paying New Year's gig, the next day, I was called to exhort and decree that for this moment forward, it is your chance to redeem the time with life-giving hope and expectation! I don't think anyone in that half-empty restaurant imagined that someone would be performing and speaking God's promises to them. I'm learning to flow with God's Spirit, in season and out, no matter what my circumstance looks like.

A woman musician who had stayed but for 3 songs a few months ago at an almost empty café took a long trip with her husband to support me. With misty eyes, she described how moved she was the words I had spoken about God's love and broken people. I was disappointed as I gave my all and sang as if to an audience

posted by anita ferrer on 01/02/2010

PRAYER FOR MY WORLD Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

Journal Entry, December 30, 2009

As New Year's Eve approaches, many anticipate carousing and partying until the wee hours of the morning. I woke up this morning in great heaviness and not at all looking to celebrate a year which will usher us closer to the great apocalypse. More than ever I look deeply inward with the scrutinizing depth of The Holy Spirit. There is much at stake in these last, dark times. Many of Mark's and my family members do not have a personal relationship with Christ and neither of most of our friends, co-workers and neighbors.

With all the possible war tactics and scenarios concocted and ready to go by the demon-possessed Muslims, we Americans and God's people in Israel are game. The ignorance and non challance by most of my circle is troubling. I know though that I must set my house in order and Mark and I must plan a good strategy for the terrible times ahead. What peril awaits the faithless? I can only imagine what Ezekiel, Jeremiah, Daniel, Isaiah and the end times prophets must have been thinking and praying as they prophesied to their culture. I compare myself mildly to the weeping prophet as he gazed at the unrepentant hearts of his people. Twenty six long years have enlightened me to what sin and alienation towards God leads the lost to. The society in which I live in is rapidly barreling towards

Today, as I tried my best to focus on worship with such a weight of concern and anxiety on my heart, I asked God to give me courage and peace. I think about my sister, Belinda living in such pain for so long and refusing to release her anguish to God. But I praise God for my dear brother-in-Christ, Shelby. What a heart he has for the lost and fasted all day for my sister! I know and believe that God will touch my sister. My mother is next and Mupwi. Mark has his brother Jim, sister-in-law Jill and our precious nieces, Jennifer Clare and Monica. We have much work to do, but God is more than able.

I feel weaker and weaker in my body, (from all these years of being on the spiritual battle front) but God's word says that each day I am renewed by the Spirit.. Where would I be without God's word, my daily nourishment? I cling to Him moment by moment and know that my redeemer lives.

posted by anita ivette ferrer on 12/30/2009

BAH HUMBUG?! Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

Journal Entry, December 25, 2009

Mark and I would have had the worse Christmas of our lives were it not for the persistent Holy Spirit. My younger sister had the audacity to leave a "Merry Christmas" message on our machine with an invitation to take an hour ride to the house to get our gifts. This has been an ongoing issue with Mark since we married, (the Ferrer's all have an excuse and gripe that it's SO much trouble to drive to Country Lakes three or four times a year).

Mark is drained beyond belief with the twelve hours a week he has to travel, (a two hour round trip to work 5-6 times a week and a two hour every Sunday to our church.). Mom and younger sister drive 10 minutes up the street and both have NO social life or taxing commitments. He is VERY hurt and angry that they are so selfish and lazy as to not offer to celebrate Christmas at our spacious home. Mom and sis live in a tiny, dark bungalow with two chairs to sit on!

The night before, I had to perform with my pastor for the Christmas Eve service, so I was tired from the travel also. I hurried to spend my last couple of dollars to pick up some of my mom's favorite foods like shrimp and a quiche, so she would enjoy her visit with us. At the check out counter, I didn't have enough money for the potato pieroges and shrimp sauce and told the cashier I didn't have eno0ugh money. It really was ironic that my husband made a great salary at the gas and electric company and here I was going through such a humbling incident again at the grocery store as I did when I was a struggling, single woman living on a shoestring budget. I smiled to myself and thanked the Lord anyway!

As I waited for the cashier to void my transaction, a woman behind me interrupted her.
"I'll pay for those," She looked at me and smiled. "Merry Christmas." I was embarrassed and ready to decline her kind offer and that I was more than able to afford anything in the store. I accepted her kind offer, though and blessed her back. As I walked to my pick-up, I thought about God's faithfulness all throughout my 26 years with Him. "Isn't God like that, taking care of the smallest problem or need?" He knew I wanted to make my depressed and bitter mom a splendid Christmas.

Mark and I looked at each other. I was still making last minute hand-made cards and wrapping my families' gifts. Mark went to the bedroom and close the door. I knew he was angry. The next hour, I had a pity party, feeling sorry for myself that God put me in a family with mental illness and strongholds that prevented us from being close. There was noting more I desired than having that Walton's type family. Mark's side of the family also had their idiosyncrasies. We were both drained and depressed by their lack of passion for the things of God and family celebrations. A few hours went by and I asked God to not allow the day to end so badly.' I wanted to be a blessing.

I felt led to go to Deborah heart hospital and told Mark I was feeling the need to be a blessing. He wanted to join me, so we ended up taking our new kitten, Pee Wee and my guitar and going to the Buttonwood hospital. We were just winding it, but by the time half the activities room was frilled up with wheel-chair patients, we were both smiling!

The old ladies were ecstatic to hold Pee Wee and some of them made friends with Mark as he video-taped our impromptu concert. Our two hour Christmas gig enlivened us and the nurses at the station asked us to come again. What a far cry from the non responsive demeanor that would have come from my depressed mom and sisters. Mark and I were on cloud nine the trip back home Our Christmas hugs, music and love were greatly received and the patients responded with thankfulness.

Keith's suggestion about giving with no expectation is always right on. When we give from our hearts with gratefulness from God's goodness, He makes everything all right. Had we stayed home and let the disappointment and anger fester we would have lost so much. Thank you, Lord for your Spirit!

posted by Anita Ivette Ferrer on 12/27/2009

PAUPER IN A BMW Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

Several homeless looking men lingered outside the parking lot of the Goodwill store, Asbury Park, NJ. I needed a couple of warm sweaters for the cold weather already at hand. As I headed to my car, I noticed the parking lot was blocked by two other cars. I'd be late for my appointment with my new doctor. One man eyed Marks' sports BMW.

"Miss, I'm admiring your cats." he said. My new kitten, Pee Wee & tabby, Bikini stared as he continued to stare at my car. Another ploy to get a handout. Someone moved their van out of my way, but the homeless man called me again. I was annoyed at his persistence as he held out his hand. even as I pulled away. I rolled down my window upon approaching the intersection and made my left hand turn unto Main Street. I pulled in front of a pizzeria to give him some change in my change cup.

"What do you need the money for, drugs? If you got a job, you would have to beg like a pauper."

He just looked at me.
"I just need 25 cents to make a phone call"

Something compelled me to speak to the man. I rolled down my window again as He faced me at the drivers side. Cars whizzed by & the pizzeria patrons stared in amusement as I talked to the man.

"You know, God has better plans for you than for you to be begging for handouts. Did you know that Jesus will help & provide if you ask him? The Bible says if a man does not work. He shall not eat." The words seemed to leave my mouth without thinking. The man listened intently & seemed not to take offense at my directness. He gazed at the car as if to make me feel guilty about being comfortable.

"You see this BMW here? My husband worked since he was a teen on the docks in Brooklyn. He's also worked the most horrible jobs from ditch-digging to pumping gas. He did whatever he could to survive. You can do the same. You can get a BMW also, if you work your butt off." My heart moved with compassion for him and I felt that he had an open heart.

"Do you know Jesus personally?" I asked. "If you serve Him, I know you will get work and He will provide"
"No miss, but I want to know Him. How do I know Him?."

I was surprised that he professed interest & knew God was giving me an opportunity to interrupt my plans to lead this precious man into eternal life & salvation.

"Would you like to accept Jesus as your Savior now?"

And the man said the Salvation prayer right there on Main Street, Asbury Park, NJ!
I My heart burst with joy & I asked him if he had a Bible. He didn't, so I went to my trunk & found one. The men in the pizzeria stared as I stood holding the mans hand on the sidewalk. I handed him the Bible and turned the page to the gospel of John.

" start reading the first chapter of John & I want you to get to a church." I felt such a joy to share the good news & interrupt my small agenda, despite arriving late for my appointment. I had a more important appointment with God & one of his beloved creations created in His image.

Please keep this man, John in prayer, .that he will find a good church a family and work. I and honored that God used a corny pauper like me to minister to this broken man. What a Christmas present! Merry Christmas, Jesus!

posted by Anita Ivette Ferrer on 12/12/2009

Journal Entry, Novemeber 29, 2009 Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)


As I press into the Lord, there is this ever-increasing hunger that daily grips me. I'm sure it's not that I'm still suffering with depression or that my nuero-transmiitters are still damaged. I believe this depression is spiritual. They that thirst for righteousness will be filled. I pray to be filled soon, that this thirst will be quenched.

As I was laying before Th lord, yesterday, I strummed notes and words filled my heart. I knew God must be speaking through my lyrics and I went to the book of Psalms. So many of my songs and lyrics of late have been so similar to King David's cries and mourning spirit. He seems to be have been a man filled anguish and struggling with grief and angst. I must be a modern Psalmist for my songs are filled with desperate longing for release and being in His presence. My flesh is an impediment as I yearn ever daily to be released from the bonds of this confining tabernacle.


Swirling around in a whirlwind of laughter, life a leaf caught up in the wind.
I don't know what to do with this pain, I don't even know what I'm after.

I cry out. I cry out.

My aching arms reach out for you, but I feel like you're never there.
Each night I try to figure all of this out, but all I end up with is a blank-eyed stare.

I Cry Out. I cry out. I cry out. I cry out.

Wasted like an army slain across the desert shores.
You speak Your breath into my soul...yet I am wanting more dry bones live

This is the cry of my be forever with him, away from this limited shell of a human being. I wonder if anyone else is feeling this way. I see people living their lives randomly, swept away by worldly pleasures and endeavors. Oh to fellowship and worship with a true worshipper in the beauty of Holiness. I really don't think there are a whokle lot who can relate to this longing...

Each day brings me one day closer to reaching His shore of peace and rest. there is nothing more I want to to rest in peace. Come quickly, Lord

posted by Anita Ferrer, asbury park angel on 11/29/2009

COURAGE Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

Upon entering my steaming tub, after another bake session in the FAR sauna and treadmill, I look forward to a restful soak and sleep. I think about the days events. Thoughts about courage inspire me and I am compelled to get out of the tub and capture God's glimpses of this elusive subject. As always, God inspire me at the most inopportune moment. I needed a long soak.

So...what is courage? A friend emailed me recently in answer to my BLOG page.

Fighting a war on foreign ground right out of high school, braving the toxic flow of chemotherapy into your veins from an IV needle against cancer and raising three daughters alone, (two severely handicapped) after finding your husband dropped dead from a massive heart attack in his dental office.

My own life death battles pale in comparison to these precious church friends. We pious Christians have a habit of lessening each others traumas, trial and battles to ease our own frustration, impatience and disdain. Okay God, you're trying to teach/tell me something. Some of us are carrots, softening with the boiling water and while other eggs hardening with the same.

I visited an Indie Heaven artists site and read her blog about the upcoming elections. She voted for Obama. I keep her identity private out of respect and wonder if she voted for him because he is b ani-racial like her also. I was very impressed wither articulate piece and desire to engage her circle and the culture with Christ and her spiritual influence. She is also happens to be on tour with a famous and major label artist who hasn't acknowledged Jesus Christ through her music, as far as I know. I have most of this woman's CDs and have heard that she once was a Christian, (but like King's X) has parted ways with Christ. I think her boyfriend who was a fundamentalist had something to do with it. I've been praying this artist for years now.

I have read about and personally experienced many examples of courage, particularly from confidants who died from excruciating cancer as well as the tangible hero of my life, my eighty year old father, Papito Teofilo Ferrer who proudly served this country upon leaving his native Puerto Rico.

I have a difficult time with people who despise this great country, people who vote for a president or candidate cause he is black, (he is also half white!, or have to disrespect others who struggle with theirs trial in a different way than them

It seems to me, we are becoming a confused nation and a confused church.
I'm sure that many of my statements, essays and conversations have made me a stink in the nostrils of certain people in the past with the power to promote me. But I am passionate about the Christ convictions and lessons that God has instilled to not speak them. I've regretted few things I've said , because I mull it over in my heart against Christ's answer to Pharisees. God's own Son could have easily and tritely used His Father's very words to justify Himself, but He chose to pause, wait and graciously act in a manner of a gentle shepherd. I believe the humiliating and painful trial God has set in my path are more than just random tests to endure. The lesson goes so much deeper and in these uncertain and fearful times. Many will be lost, confused, (even the very elect) and smug about their faith, spiritual knowledge and even experience. We must cast down everything that exalts itself against the knowledge of God. Knowledge is more than knowing His word as a scholar. We must seek be His grace and mercy also.

I've never been a butt-kisser to be promoted. Conviction is not a coveted attribute, but I thank God for it when I get too smug about my own wordily wisdom, experiences and understanding and perception of His word and way. Compassion and mercy are the only Christ bandages that can cover a multitiude of our and the world's sins!

I will never make the staff picks or "Diaimoinds, because, because my subject matter and words of truth are too convicting. I share this essay not to impress, but to be obedient with what God wants to share from His heart. We should never be content expanding only our strong gifts. We should seek to strengthen the week ones, too.

posted by anita ferrer, asbury park angel on 11/12/2009

PeeWee's Rescuing Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

Journal Entry, October 10, 2009

Today is Pee Wee's first day in our household. Tiny Pee Wee's story is similar to Ghost's in that she was rescued on the same Road I found her on. I decided to stop for some farm-raised produce at a stand I often passed by and asked the woman if she had any kittens. I don't know why I asked her, we already are strapped with 5 cats. Strangely, I though how much Bikini needed a companion, The woman nodded and told me to knock at the back door of her house her friend had some.

I waited as a couple of young girls and two women looked at me through the screened porch door of their kitchen A few minutes later, another girl approached me with a tiny, frightened white kitten who clung ferociously to the neckband of her sweater. Annoyed and trying the free the tiny creature, she assured warned me to hold her tightly so she wouldn't rush into the busy road. As she held up the kitten, I noticed charcoal spots dotted her back and legs and her tail was also the same color. My heart skipped a beat. I was in love and that tiny kitten was coming home with me. I could only hear what Mark would say, but knew that when he met the kitten, he wouldn't be able to resist her.
I offered money for the kitten. A woman asked me if I'd like to take another older, cat. As much as I wanted to, I had to decline. We have three too many felines. The little girl told me that the found the tiny kitten by herself in the barn. No one knew where the mother was and a black bear was seen prowling the area near the woods. Most likely, the kittens' mother was eaten by the bear. I had no idea bears were even in the Jackson, New Jersey woodlands.

I conversed awhile with the little girls' mother who said they had just moved to New Jersey from Arizona. The woman seemed to have done a nice job raising her daughters on her own. I asked with concern whether the other cats on the property were spayed and the woman said most weren't. They could afford the spay cost. I told her I would see if I could make some fliers seeking assistance with spaying fees. Mark and I are always concerned about unwanted being born to unneutered animals. I took the woman's phone number and promised to contact her if I found some help for her animals.

Mark was surprised at our new baby, but accepted her. He didn't like the name, Blue, suggested Pee Wee instead. Her name is Pee Wee!

We headed to Bordentown for a dinner date with Mark's co-worker who wanted me to give a CD to the manager of the restaurant for future booking dates. My neck and jaw was irritated and I had a miserable time trying to chew my food. The manager took my Cd, promising he would give it a listen and then we stopped at a new café that recently opened to give that manager a CD also.

As we enjoyed an evening decaf, Glen was clowning around with his guitar. The woman owner asked me if I played and invited me to play for her. I went to the car and brought in my Taylor. I performed "Help Me" an "Ironic" on the spot and her and her husband seemed mesmerized as I sang, closing their eyes.
"What a beautiful voice...the voice of an angel." She asked me how long I'd been singing. I told her I was recording my 4th and 5th CD and had been singing at least 18 years and was self taught with the played the guitar for only 9 years.

I was mildly surprised that she was that impressed as there are hundreds of singers in hundreds of coffeehouses, a dime a dozen acoustic players. How ironic that she and her husband were impressed about my talent, but Plink passed on working with me! Different strokes for different folks. It's pretty amazing how one person can be blown away by my voice, and others are totally non chalant. Elizabeth grabbed her calendar and asked me if I was available for the 23rd of October and I said I would let her know in the morning. They were very intrigued a bit when I told them I was born in Germany and my dad was Puerto-Rican girl. They are Spanish also.

Mark and I said our good-byes to Glenn and Missy and went home, excited to continue getting acquainted with our new baby. It was a pretty good Friday night. Bless the Lord!

posted by Anita ferrer on 11/02/2009

"PRACTICING" MEDICINE Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

Journal Entry, October 26, 2009
My recovery has been so slow, I struggle to get through each day regardless of how many times I thank Jesus for His healing and decree my recovery. Could this impediment be demonic?
My Adrenaline exploded today as I addressed the lab and Horizon insurance reps and the doctors billing rep. I feel so victimized as I did while married to that demon possessed ex husband of mine and having to suffer the horrendously painful symptoms of Candida from my first Lyme Disease episode in 1996. It's been beyond challenging to stay connected to my Abba Father and I'm doing a lousy job of being a gentle, soft-spoken Christian with these people who are part of the medical and health insurance blain. The system is definitely screwed up.
I couldn't help but get irate with those reps as I tried to pinpoint where that mysterious bill came from. No one wants to be held accountable for their sloppy record keeping and bill collection and I have to be saddled with yet another great stressor I don't need. I think after today, I know exactly why I am so impatient. This underlying current of anger about being victimized by the medical and insurance system has built up to spill-over proportions. I must do something, or al least speak up and write to congressmen and senators about this troublesome and unjust system. People are suffering and no one is doing anything about it!
Thos clock is ticking towards the Lord's coming and it can't come soon enough. As much as I anticipate the completion of my book and two CDs, I am SO drained and fed up by the veils dominating this land, Jesus could ask me today to "come up hither" and I wouldn't hesitate in a heartbeat!
It's been TOO many years of suffering from various sources and though I know the Lord will return what the enemy has destroyed, it may not come for me until I get to Heaven. Very sad that I can't enjoy peace or have any reward here on earth while I'm alive. I am just SO tired of fighting and striving for peace and rest. How can I when I'm assaulted daily by the great weight of trying to get well, walking on eggs regarding the discipline of my protocol and everything involved with healing. Mark is right. These doctors are "practicing" medicine. They really don't know what they're doing with this mercury poisoning, so I have to carry the weight and help myself.
I'm on the verge of tears, that's how overwhelmed I am with this health situation. All In want is to be able to have a peaceful demeanor to be able to concentrate and focus on the Lord and His holiness...a tall order.
And then I'm expected to create art that is excellent with all this on top of this weight. How can one create art that is astounding? I feel angry that I'm not able to do my art and music with the excellence I want to do it with. This is a challenge that I can find no helpful information on how to address and succeed. I'm pretty much on my own here, I see.
I can't wait to be with my Jesus! How I have LONGED for peace since I was ten years old and saw my mother trample my little sister under her feet. Since then I have been deluged with such forces of rage and violence...difficult stuff to deal with and heal from. I don't want to think about it, but I wonder what or who is causing such turbulence in my life? Here is a woman who loves peace, beauty, art and truth and I keep getting slammed with anger, rejection, isolation and bodily pain!!!! I feel a geyser of angry sadness is exploding from my spirit. When will this pain end?
I lost a full week from another bout of bronchitis and had four people show up for my café showcase this Friday. When will things bloom...WHEN???

posted by Anita ivette ferrer on 10/26/2009

AGAINST ALL ODDS (The fellowship of Suffering) Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)


This book was birthed from two and a half years of being in the bowels of suffering from the frustration, fear and hopelessness of a mysterious condition., Dystonia. I was preparing to find a publisher for aan almost competed manuscript, "Marching to the Beat of a Different Drum", celebrating Christian womanhood. God has a way of turning our plans upside down and one hundred and eighty degrees around, as well as demonstrating His unusual sense of humor and His greater plan. With the onset of my second Lyme Diagnosis, the Dystonic tremors and metal poisonings, I felt a profound sense of loss. At 49 years old, I anticipated God bringing me into His Promised Land, His rest and never imagined that I would have to start at square one yet again at the late age of my life. After several decades of enduring every kind of earthquake, storm and flood, I deemed that God would reward me with some amazing breakthrough where I could finally enjoy some peace.

No medicine, herbal supplement, aurvedic herb, acupuncture chiropractic manipulation gave me relief from the
incessant and extremely painful symptoms which had now included my temporo-mandibular jaw joint. My bite was out and I was in pain from the time I woke up to the time I finally drifted off to a restless sleep. The difficult reality was the doctors had no idea what exactly was causing the tremors Thankfully, my husband refused to accept the diagnosis, had a suspicion theat the nervous system disorder must be caused by the Lyme Spirochete or the Mercury poisoning. As the symptoms and pain progressed, I questioned where I had gotten off track spiritually. Praying, crying out and intellectualizing availed nothing and I felt God was a million miles away and was not listening to my complaint.

Coincidence or fate, was God's mysterious handiwork that brought my imagined worth and wisdom to naught. If I was to survive this devastating plummet into hell, I would have to press into the Lord as never before. Amazing healing teachings by great teachers and Pastors on Christian TV seemed to broadcast immediately after a friend would pray with me for healing. I asked The Holy Spirit to open up my spiritual eyes and heart to received the knowledge to attain my healing. I even asked for Him to delve deeply into my unconscious spirit so that my confession and faith would line up with His truth. I disciplined myself to focus and decree His healing even when I felt miserable with the pain. My spiritual antennas erect. I didn't want to miss one iota of what God wanted me to learn and apply to my life. As I continued to seek him in the morning, trite scriptures that I'd read hundreds of times suddenly came alive.

Certain mature Christians from the Indie heaven Christian forum community also were praying alongside me and opened their hearts to me. I received a CD from a teacher who preached about the Joseph Calling. Though the pain in my jaw was still relentless, I found great comfort knowing that my suffering was confirmed as just a stepping stone to a higher glory in The Lord. This thorn in the flesh was causing me to draw nearer to Him than ever before..

Well into the two and a half years of enduring , I felt my spiritual noose begin to loosen. I knew it had to do with the revelations enlighten my understanding of God's love and obeying the spiritual laws of nature. The old way of receiving God's truth was no longer impotent and shrouded in mystery. God's word is truly alive!

As write this preface, I feel close to the cusp of a brilliant discovery, the fellowship of Christ's suffering. I am a co creator with the Creator God and that it was never His will for me to be a victim or in bondage to any circumstance, disease or event. Even when Paul the apostle was imprisoned, he still soared free spiritually. No chains could imprison him. Even in our physical captivity, we are free to sing, worship and commune with out Creator.

Joni Eareckson Tada, though a paraplegic, is a true example of one who surrendered to God's perfect will and plan. Joni has accomplished astounding things that things that even normal people wouldn't accomplish. .

My prayers for those of you who read this book, is to be unencumbered by anything that threatens to impede up upward momentum. Position yourself in the shelter of the Almighty. Jesus yoke is light and He will never give us more than we can bare. God's very word, The Bible is replete with promises for you to hold on to. I believe you can fly with wings as eagles no matter what your mental, emotional or physical setbacks. This too shall pass. Rest assured that troubles will assault you as long as you live, but God will always be there to temper them and use them to ever elevate you to higher peaks.
Suffering so lessons when we know who is at the end of the dark, foggy tunnel. Shine your light, Lord! Amen

posted by anita ferrer on 10/24/2009

HOOK-DRIVEN GENERATION An observation Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

I continue to grow in my faith walk and particularly in my song-writing. God shows me the difficulty of bringing His message to this modern culture. That barrels through life at the speed of light. I ponder what made this time in history so fast that consequence and events are of little circumstance. This era is a sad time for the great and precious things of God to be received for we are pummeled by a rapid-fire assault of external and subliminal stimuli from the media. The population is heading towards a down-spiraling vacuum of confusion and spiritual manipulation by the unseen demonic spiritual realm
Many of God's own people, (and even I myself have asked in the past), "Why doesn't God speak to me,." or, "I never hear God's voice". For me, personally, His clearest messages have come after I've obediently disciplined myself to quiet down and worship Him before my overwhelming day begins. Often, I've been awaken earlier than I wanted, knowing that God wanted to commune with his daughter. My obedience has been so rewarding and joyous being given exquisite glimpses of His perspective.
Today, I rested on the front patio. The leaves were rustling in the breeze and autumn crickets were a soothing backdrop for God's message to come, loud and clear. I've often anticipated my quiet times away from the heavy traffic, family obligations and even my noble ministry endeavors. Nothing compares to God's precious presence. In the past I was very much like Martha overwhelmed unnecessarily with tasks, but have now relished sitting at Jesus feet, like Mary to acquire the better thing!
A greatly-admired Christian music producer who I'd hoped to work with told me that my music was too complicated and not hooky enough. Always eager to grow from constructive criticism, I scrutinized his assessment of my work and set out to use all advice as a tool to grow and excel as a songwriter. My goal had to be to bridge the gap between commercially-accepted pop or worship, yet still encapsulate what God's wanted me to speak as well as without compromising His authenticity and power.
This would be a challenge as my favorite music was usually epic song-stories and complex
I continued to rest in the warm October morning and absorb all of the spiritual observations God was revealing to me. Some of my husband's excellent observations about what this generation wanted and loved also caused me to think deeper about the challenging job I would have in merging my prophetic, yet artsy, sophisticated, yet spiritually-compelling music and lyrics to a somewhat deluded youthful generation.
My present music producer has mentioned that the hook should drive the message home and the only way is by constant repetition of a the key refrain. Gone are the days of Elton John's "Ticking" and Dan Fogelberg's "Arizona Gazette" 6 minute epics ballads.
This unprecedented change, I believe is demonic as the enemy knows that his time is very short and his plan is to confuse distract and occupy our minds with as music unnecessary clutter as possible.. A cluttered mind will have rough time trying to decipher the intricate and sometimes very subtle deytials of God's will and plan for us. Modern gadgets and all the digitalized toys also keep spiritual minds in a cloud of the material and physical rather than the sometimes unattainable intangible.
Grades chool and high school kids are the ones most susceptible to ebinge

posted by anita ferrer on 10/17/2009

POWER GIGS this WEEK-END, Journal Entry Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

Journal Entry
September 2, 2009

Today is a lovely, semi-clear Autumn day. What a year it has been. Less than three months for 2009. Here at Love Inc meeting lovely Tina Marie, the Young woman from Spring House Eatontown. She remembered me and said how inspiring my talk was at the center. She said a woman pastor also will be giving Bible studies there. What an amazing thing to have such an opportunity to strengthen these young women!

I'm preparing for my wedding party gig at Terrace in the Sky restaurant, NYC. I've been struggling hard for weeks to learn a bunch of songs and the woman now wants several more for her and her fiancé/husband to dance to. I called John to download the songs from i-tunes. Chris also forgot to leave my Dido CD at the doorstep. All will be well. & I trust the Lord for his help.

Sunday, I will be performing for a church in Brigantine, NJ for the Oktoberfest Festival. Praying for good weather as it will be outdoors.

I was happy to finally partnership with the Jewish/Christian fellowship of Jewish widow. This has been my largest seed offering and I really felt led to be a part of helping these precious holocaust survivors It's heart-breaking to see what they go through each day. God has already blessed me with two major bookings from GIGMASTERS since that offering was sent. I am excited what God will do with my seeds! I'm believing for us to pay off our mortgage and move into a bigger house on the other side of country Lakes. We really need it as my music ministry and artistic endeavors will grow, I know!

My God is able to provide more than we know.

Carolyn is having a meeting with two gentlemen. I've just made coffee and will soon finish up with my blog for my profile.

Things are looking up amazingly for me and I've made two wonderful new friends at Indie heaven, Tim O'Connor, one of the mentors and Zack Bridges, a jazz artist. Another lovely young woman Lisa Fernstermacher also left a kind comment on my profile as well as lovely long letter of appreciation. Thank You, Lord for letting me be a blessing.

I stopped at a lovely thrift store here at CVR center and bought a gorgeous sequined top for the wedding. Today is a good day. Lord, all I need is for you to cure this throat contraction and tongue biting. It hurts!!

posted by Anita Ivette Ferrer on 10/02/2009

SEEDS OF LIFE, Journal Entry, September 21, 2009 Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

My Saturday night gig at the Plumstead Grill ended up ending at 2 am. Lead guitarist, Manny was as tired as me and Mark commented that he forgot a lot of his parts. I sang lead and belted through most of the male songs, covering for the lack of instrumentation and his harmony vocals. I thanked the Lord as I finally crawled into bed at around 3 am, planning to skip Sunday morning service.

Sunlight bathed my eyes as I turned over under my two quilts.

That familiar still small voice of the Holy Spirit whispered as I turned to see what time it was. "Go to church."

Hastily dressing, I blessed God for getting me through the gig. I quickly glanced through my Christian musician collection as I wanted to drive with the anointed flowing. Out of the gray's CDs caught my eyes. Christine and Scott Dente's lovely harmonies and lush Charlie Peacock lush production would hit that spot.

Driving down the NJ Parkway, the beautifully arranged songs touched me deeply, particularly, "Diamond Days," Unfolding," and "Cry for Help" particularly brought to mind my sister's last sordid and bitter conversation about her isolation down in Texas and our seemingly non chalant attitude about it. Holy Spirit continued to touch me as I managed to concentrate on the lyrics. Then "Unfolding" grabbed my attention as I thought about God's hand in my life the past week.

Facing our Neighbor Mike Ward in his hospital room reminded me of how fragile life is and how God is concerned about every detail, person and event in our lives. LI felt honored and humbled to partake of His creative and restorative process in both my life, my husband's life and
through the lives of neighbors, family members and co-workers. "Unfolding" really moved me deeply.

"Lord, let me be a blessing," Pastor Matt's simple, but relevant message elaborated about God unfolding His plan in our lives, already a confirmation from the song that touched me so in the car. The service ended I approached Pastor Matt and asked for prayer for my mother and bitter sister in Texas, seeking more anointing and love. AS he prayed over me, I felt more impassioned to be God's hands, eyes and heart. Even as I was leaving, I laid my hands on a grandmother's back, believing that she was healed by Jesus stripes and outside, I introduced my little Tabby to several of the children. The sun was bright and the air was warm, a perfect Indian summer.

My heart was brimming with peace and joy and I wanted more than ever to share this love with all I met. I planned to go to the Belmar boardwalk and stop by to bring my mother some flowers., At the shore, everyone else had the same idea, to walk on the boards, bike or just languish on the benches in the warm, breezy air. After my brisk walk, I headed for my car to bring out my tabby and my guitar. It was four years since I enjoyed performing at the outdoor rotunda with my sweet white Calico's.

My grief moved on and I took my Taylor out of it's case. As I sang and strummed my guitar, passers by sat down to enjoy the tunes. Two gentlemen in particular, lingered the whole time. A mother and her two children headed to the guitar case where my tabby, Kini was basking in the sunlight. A sandy-haired man approached me and asked me about my Taylor. We compared notes about the comparisons between Taylors and Martins and he told me that he also was a performing musician, specializing in Celtic, folk and classic rock. AS he excused himself for his afternoon gig uptown, another man seated himself opposite me and seemed to be enjoying my beach side performance. I felt free and spiritually empowered as the songs flowed from my soul. I decided to throw out "Obituary" with its offbeat Joni Mitchell/Alanis Morrisette vibe. The gentleman asked me who wrote the songs and I said it was one of my originals.

"I had a feeling you would say that," he smiled. I answered, it's a dedication to my grandfather. That opening led us to share about our love for our grandfathers and He remarked how I sounded like Joni Mitchell and Carol King. Then I continued decided to plant a gospel seed beginning with the jazzy strains of "At the Altar" and "Enclose"me.

"Where can I buy your album?" he asked. "I really love your style." I introduced myself and told him about my Indie Heaven music website. Doug introduced me to his friend who also had stayed to listen to my mini concert. The breeze started to chill Kini and I and packed up my gear. Doug wanted to visit my website, so I told him I would get my material from the car. I asked the other gentleman if he's like a brochure too and he nodded.

Returning from the car, I felt light as I handed him and the other gentleman my music brochure. During my hour long drive home, I thanked the Lord for giving me such an exquiste day and inumerable glimpses into people's lives and His heart! Thank You, Lord.

posted by anita ivette Ferrer on 09/26/2009

A FRIEND IN NEED Reaping the White Harvest Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

Silence enveloped the dark room as we approached Mike Ward's hospital bed. Guitar case in hand, hubby Mark walked ahead of me to see if Mike was dressed. Shocked at the gaunt, sleeping man before me, I said a silent prayer that God would reach into his soul. I remembered many times in the past where bed-ridden patients were just waiting for their end. Often God would open up their hearts and they would accept Christ as their Savior. The next visit I would find out from one of the nurses that they had died the week or month before. This time, cancer hit closer to home with my dear neighbor who lived down the street.

As I strummed my guitar, Mike finally stirred and awoke out of his sleep. He sheepishly grinned as Mark and I greeted him. We were here for a purpose, to give Mike the good news of Christ.and the hope of healing.

We barely got into our conversation, before a commotion came from the bathroom. A nurse rushed into the bathroom and we heard a man shrieking at the top of his lungs. The man refused to get off the commode despite theher insistent prodding. Security was called in. I shook my head .

"That guy has got serious mental problems," Mike replied.. The struggle continued as the tortured man wailed and cussed. As the nurse continued to try to control her thrashing patient, Mark and frowned.

"It's just the enemy trying to distract us from our mission," I interjected. " know his ploys. In the name of Jesus I rebuke this disruptive spirit and cast it into the abys, by the power of the Lord Jesus of Nazareth, the Holy son of God. Let him be at peace. In Jesus name we pray, amen"

The two security guards rushed into the room and addressed the still violent man. Amazingly within a minute they, managed to cajole the man to leave his toilet seat. Each grabbed hold of an arm and escorted him to his bed. Almost immediately, the man fell asleep and the room quieted down, I resumed my strumming as Mark talked about detoxification and vegetarianism. I stopped playing, adding that Mike needed to adapt a complete lifestyle change. He had two choices, allow the cancer to eat him and die or make the necessary changes to recover and live.

Mark continued encouraging Mike as I strummed a cool riff blues pattern in dominant ninths chords. Images of a tidal wave made me think of of Gods healing sweeping over Mike's body and soul. The Holy Spirit was at work, inspiring me with a new song of restoration. I then told Mike I would get him a Bible and we laid hands on him. We prayed over his many needs, including his unemployment insurance ending and the loss of his house.

Facing Mike in his hospital room reminded me of how fragile life is and how God is concerned about every detail, person and event in our lives. I was humbled remembering my countless times God came through for me during the health, personal crises and unemployment periods. He is able and provided through His riches and glory and made me stand in the midst of the storms. If we allow Him, He will, like a flood encompass us with surpassing provision, love and endurance. Truly his grace is sufficient!

posted by anita ferrer on 09/23/2009

Brave NEW Woman, Brave New World Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

"Each time a man stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve the lot of others or strikes out against injustices, he send s forth a tiny ripple of hope.and crossing each other from a million different centers of energy and daring, those ripples build a current which can seep down the mightiest of oppression and resistance."

Robert F Kennedy Jr.

This incredible quote was emailed to all DYSTONIA victim members, ( Amazing and very inspirational to me at such a difficult time.I had no idea that Robert Kennedy Junior had s form of Dystonia which affects the voice box. Wow, now I see why he made such sweeping statements about courage and his candor about his condition.

posted by anita ferrer on 08/31/2009

BALM OF GILEAD Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

I'm blessed to find a that Timo & ZAch! had responded to a post I'd written over two years ago!

I'd so long forgotten this post that I can't believe I wrote it: LOL)! Actually, I know it was the Holy Ghost who inspired me and I want to tell you how much you blessed me by your kind words. I've composed MANY essays here on the forum, (spending many hours, thought & empathy & especially tears as I vicariously read and pray over some of the desperate prayers of my precious Indie Heaven family. Unfortunately, hubby was getting concerned & slightly annoyed that I poured so much of my soul online & getting so little appreciation, (that dear man). Of course I assured him that I believed my time and sharing my writing artistry would benefit someone, but I think it's a matter of the Lord's timing when & how He will use that particular gift.

My snails pace, (& very painful) recuperation has been so taxing that despite still writing on & off, I wouldn't deem much relevance to anyone here at IH except to release grief & share my gifting with a NEW audience, chronically & terminally ill people on the Dystonia/movement disorder,Lyme Disease, lupus & cancer victims. I must admit Timo and Zach, that it has been rewarding to comfort some who are so isolated & alone.

The last 3 nights have been from hell with pain & I slept til 12:30 pm this afternoon because of my neck & jaws stiff & cracking, nonetheless, I dragged myself outta bed. "I will praise the Lord & take authority over this condition!"

The Lord's all-sufficient grace astounds me each day as this mysterious condition tries daily to deter me from finishing the recording of MOD PROPHET CD & my book), God blesses me with His Holy illumination that would other wise blind, deceive, fill me with me resentment. I'm AMAZED at what God pulls out of me in such a time...and you know...none of it is my doing!

When I respond to, (and befriend and/or share my faith) with or some of these precious people with horrible illnesses on other health posts, I'm moved with awe at the indomitable human spirit & not only my courage, but theirs!

Interesting how the Lord has shifted my momentum from aspiring to be a successful Indie Heaven artist to an empath! As I reread this past post from 2 years ago, I think I see some growth. I understand others' desperation and struggle of surviving, relating & trying to retain as much humanity as possible despite being at the mercy of hospital machines, drugs & the doctors orders.
I'm also thankful for Keith's rebuke about complaining, because I see how it can rob us of the productivity, (& the miracle of God shining strong in our weakness) & drains us of the precious & increments of resources we should be eking for God's use & glory! Thank U Keith. I (complain to my hubby & mostly my journal now, lol).

I'm moved that you 2 precious brothers, (on the outside, looking in) are so open to glimpse life on the the "other side." When I first joined IH, I never thought I'd have to contend with such a staggering, humbling and flesh-breaking burden, but I find weekly that God pulls some vintage and buried stuff out of me as I continue to "Press" into Him with all my might. Today,(after having lost ALL interest in anything music, God inspired me with a new song). I wouldn't wish any Christians to experience a traumatic illness, but it sure brings you to a new level of God's grace & provision. Perhaps I should be honored that He deems me able to submit to this difficult & challenging position.

These sweet brothers made my day, but I am also thankful for Pastor Jerry Lee, Paul, Duane, Mike, Neal, Janelle, Sam & Kerensa who have offered me words of encouragement. Timo and Zach blessed me with their empathetic words. I'm grateful for them pouring that precious "balm of Gilead" on me today!

posted by Anita ferrer on 08/25/2009

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF DYSTONIA Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

Journal Entry, Tuesday, July, 29,2009

Today was another day from hell. I am a devote Christian who loves the Lord with all her heart, (and for 26 years). I am living with this bizarre and highly humiliating condition the doctor calls..Dystonia.
That day at the medical center was a day of reckoning. My husband asked, "What is Dystonia and what causes it?"

Doctor Buck gave us a blank stare, "No one knows what causes it".

We drove home slightly relieved, (that we had a name to Google and research this frightening new condition), but also sorrow that it would most likely be another long, expensive and painful recovery like my dealing with carbon monoxide poisoning and the first-time Lyme Disease diagnosis in 1992.

I dragged myself into the infra sauna where I sweated for my half an hour. By this time of the night, my eyes were squinting shut and my jaw was moved incessantly. I was so drained by the constant grating that all I could desire was dead sleep. As I dragged myself up the stairs to run a bath, I hit my head hard against a hard protruding object. When I opened my eyes, I see my keys in the lock. Tears flooded and I gasped for breath, hoping I would make it in time to drop on my bed. I sobbed hysterically for a half an hour.

Sleep was my only solace, but even that lately was sporadic I woke up several times during the night. I prayed that I wouldn't wake up. This summer, sleeping was uncomfortable in the sticky heat and even with taking 3 of my natural sleeping capsules, it took an hour to doze off.

I was so tired and incognizant, impatient and disgusted with the slow method of my oral chelation therapy. It was now seven months and my symptoms disgusted hadn't improved an iota, but seemed worse. Now the sleeping capsules were almost useless in getting me drowsy and refreshed for a new day.

As I tossed and turned all night, I wondered how many other poor people were enduring living hells as me.
I bit my tongue gain, the seventh time today. Sometimes my teeth chomp down so hard and fast that I bled profusely for awhile. I always screamed at the top of my lungs to release to deep, pent-up rage, frustration and sadness I lived every day for two and a half years. This condition is no joke!

Each morning as I stir and my body prepares for the next day, I wonder how I will put on my Christ happy face. I don't tell my friends, family and pastors what goes on with this poor, battered body. Along with this miserable tongue chomping, my left ear has almost closed due to some strange inflamation problem. I can't hear ta all and neither peroxide nor taking high doses of vitamin C and cats Claw have cleared this. Both of my jaws are exhausted and the back of my neck is tight as a knot.

In the wee hours of the morning all I can do is pray and thank God for my blessings, my little tabby companion and wonderful husband.

I ponder how I can get out of situations where people ask, "How are you doing with that jaw situation?' Do I grin and say, "Praise God, Im great! I'm healed? I am distressed and they can tell. Lying is not an option, nor is walking away and dismissing the subject!

People are too busy to hear sob stories and to hear our perpetual complaints about perpetual health crisis not improving. Soem will outright say, "Stop Complaining."."People want t see. Hope.

Some blend music with art, some with science, but few share their focus of Dystonia in faith. My goal is to share my vulnerability and honesty with all victims of chronic, painful and incurable disease. I cy as I watch the visions of these imprisoned by an enemy they can't see.

This battle must be won with a violent hope and faith in conquering this unseen enemy in my body. Is this the Lyme Disease Spirocete? It is the highly toxic mercury, lead and cadmium deposits that have accumulated over the many years working with factory chemicals and drinking tap water with lead pipes? Yesterdays doctors were ignorant and didn't tell us about environmental toxins that gave us infections and rashes as young adults. Nor did the dentists tell us that the dark stuff hardening in our mouths as fillings would cause great damage to our bodies in twenty years. Even they don't know yet that these mercury filling will cause a neurological disorder.

Medicine and science have lied to us, hidden many truths and buried their heads in the sand regarding all the new chemicals that industry and commerce has introduced for our clothing, toys, cars and household supplies. Every human born on this planet is now at the mercy of dangerous and life-altering substances from the very foods we eat, merchandise we buy, the air that we breathe and the water that we drink.

We must wake up and start thinking and scrutinizing everything we put in our mouths, on our skin and work with. Environmental medicine should be the most important field of study as we the twenty-first century forges forward. We, the public can no longer blindly trust the FDA, the government, our local grocers, the medical society, science or our work environment.

How many more will succumb to cancer and a myriad of unsolvable bodily mysteries? No one wants to hear the sob stories of the you-tube victims of medical conditions, but I have to believe that as a child of God that He is my, (and their) hope. Tough I am a modern child of God, Christ's sacrifice on the cross was not only for back then, but for today and tomorrow.

This is the hope I want to share with Dystonia, cancer, Parkinson's victims to some horrendous life threatening and disabling condition.

posted by anita ferrer, asbury park angel on 07/29/2009

LIFE AS NEVER BEFORE Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

A storm is brewing upon our planet and the spiritual realm seethes and boils in preparation of great change. Most of the western world, particularly America has enjoyed decades of peace and economic stability. Things have drastically gone downhill because of our new president's reforms and liberal agenda.

Being reminded of our Jewish ancestors of the Old Testament, we (American Christians) have not learned our lessons. Any reading of the books of Judges, the old Testaments prophets, Isaiah, Jeremiah, Ezekiel and Daniel) depicts how time and time again, God's chosen people have buried themselves by their profound idolatry and disobedience.

God initiated His love for the Jewish people through His covenant with Abraham and then further cemented His bond with the giving of the law to Moses on Mount Sinai. His Laws were specific and the Levite priests were to carry out the Holy laws of their Holy God.

The United States of America was also founded on the Godly principles of our Creator and Father God. Our early forefathers were united in prayer as they prepared the Declaration of Independence and invoked the blessing of God upon the new nation. The conglomeration of great leaders and preachers that made up the group compiling the declaration was men both of African American and of European descent. All were in one accord as they envisioned the establishment liberty.

America's noble destiny has drastically declined with the proliferation of the liberal front. It all started with the victory Madeline Murray O'hare had to take prayer out of the school system. Since then, Pandora 's Box has opened, releasing a flood of bloodshed (abortion and euthanasia), sexual immorality, financial chaos and great theft regarding the financial and economic reputation of leaders.

The United States is heading for the great fall and will end up like the Jews who were carried away during the fall of Jerusalem to Babylon. I'm sure this was one of the saddest moments that God ever witnessed, seeing His covenant-bound, cherished people taken far away into a foreign land. Priests, the wealthy and most noble leaders were not exempt from the humiliating event of captivity. Certain people of course, like Daniel and His companions were the rare ones who enjoyed the King Nebudachnezer's favor because of their wisdom and special skills.

America will not be so lucky and if we continue with the abomination of abortion, tax evasion and idolatry, we too will suffer God's wrath and captivity to hostile anti-Christ nations. We will soon see great and cataclysmic downfall with our economy, social structure and religious freedoms. We presently enjoy the great freedoms to worship God freely, vote for whoever we choose and express our views through the media. We must realize though that the liberal front rages against the conservatives, (which include the Christians and Jew who worship Jehovah), seeking to forever smother our voices into silence. We must not let this happen or we will see life unfold as we've never seen it before.

This truth is too horrible to digest or ponder so many are ignoring the facts and living their lives carelessly as if all is well. It is NOT well and will get worse. The signs are all here. WE must press hard into the Lord, fast and pray for His mercy, repent of our corporate sins and actively influence our culture with uncompromising truth. We still have time.

posted by anita ferrer, asbury park angel on 07/26/2009

BLOG Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

I think often of my dear Indie heaven and myspace friends as well as others God's put in my path. My prayer intercession have been few because of this violently distracting ailment. It's been very tough and some days I can barely pray or read my Bible. I know there are quite a few people in my life, social circle and even that I've heard about through other friends who are suffering a great deal too. I hear a lot of people are scared and frustrated with how the country is going and it's only a matter of time when the Lord comers back for us.

I finished my telephone book delivery routes last week and I am glad to rest a little before getting back to recording my project with John, my producer. To be honest I am so disconnected I don't even feel the passion for recording or performing as I us two before this horrendous disorder. I have had so many people, (including three pastors) lay hands on me I can't imagine that I haven't received my miracle.

I did get a great phone call from a talented songwriter friend who is trying to connect me with this famous hard rock producer. Joey is very positive and excited and says I have some great song but they need some serious producing/engineering. John, my present producer has the lead and crunch guitars way in the background and Joey thinks that it kills the power of the song. He's right, but John is adamant about keeping the vocals up front even for heavy rock anthems. Hmmmm, what to do?

I have no idea, still what God is going to do with my life. I feel like everything has died, although I know He will resurrect. I've been hearing some amazing and encouraging sermons on TV about the fiery refining process and that's what I'm going through,. God is completely stripping me for His purpose... very painful stuff. I am desperate for this test to be over so I can catch a breath and be myself again. I have more tests to take.

Eric Biggins, a fellow Indie heaven member posted a letter on the forum that he will be taking a break from his music because his recovery has not improved and he can't do his music as he wanted. I feel so sad that Eric has been suffering so. The same thing has happened to me. I am not glorying in my music either and it's a chore to conjure up energy and creativity. Pastor Matt hasn't called me to lead worship with him, because of the limitations of my health right now and it's a bummer.

I know one thing, I must declare my health and wellness daily, sometimes even hourly to keep the faith flowing. It's so hard when I am in great discomfort.

I'm anticipating a special day this Saturday with Pastor Sandra at the park. I haven't prepared a set list yet, but it will have to more soulful. I was unable to get Paul to perform on keyboards, (as he will be going away) and I won't have a conga player, so I'll have to do some funked-up acoustic and my hip-hop tracks. I really hate performing with tracks. But God will have His way, I know.

posted by Anita Ferrer on 07/07/2009

A PRAYER FOR OUR NATION Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

July 1, 2009
A Prayer for my Country

Independence Day is arriving soon and with it the celebration of our beloved freedom. I hope we will not forget the price that was paid for our great country's freedom and the men and women who fought for that freedom. Let us look to our Heavenly Father with thanksgiving.

Abba father,
We need You and can do nothing without You. America is in perilous straits and opur modern prophets and television preachers have warned us of what is yet to come. Many are frightened about the uncertainty and direction of our once proud and Christ-founded nation. Help us not to lose our focus on what is truly important, sending out the word, (but most out) the word. I am thankful that You are our high tower and shelter in the storm. We can rest in the knowledge that though we do not know what the future holds...we know who holds the future.

We pray for strength for our brothers and sisters who are in foreign countries, those faithful missionaries who are boldly preaching the Gospel and bringing greatly needed aid to those in third world countries.
We especially pray for our President to have Godly counsel. He needs to know how intertwined the state of Israel is with the United States. Whoever blesses Israel will be blessed and whoever curses Israel shall be cursed. We lift up Iran with its mostly youthful population for open hearts and minds to accept Jesus and achieve freedom and democracy.

No matter what happens and knowing that prophecy must and will be fulfilled according to God's Word. Let us be faithful and true to Him who called us by name. Lord, let us not be deceived by the enemy's lies and let us hold fast to the truth.

We pray, in Jesus name Amen

posted by Anita Ferrer on 07/01/2009

STILL ON THE SHELF Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

Little has changed regarding the condition of my throat, neck and jaw. It's still amazingly distressing to have to address both the metal/mercury poison, the Lyme Disease spirochete and other small things, such as a new problem with my right ear being clogged.

I still struggle and question God daily about the divine healing mystery and have tried just about everything I know of to be relieved of the incessant pain. I am living a hermits life because the jaw movement is so conspicuous and embarrassing and though I'm finally back to my size four, ( and have a closet full of beautiful clothes) I have no joy to go out and be with friends and family in public.

Just this morning before struggling to leave the house and unload the truck with the equipment from last nights gig I found myself crying to the Lord again. I am fed up and very disappointed that my body does not feel like praising or worshipping and I dreadfully miss the Lord's presence. I miss Him so much and though most would say it's easy just get alone with God, for me it's not so simple. I despise giving God an obligatory worship. He is worthy of my best and try as I might, I cannot conjure that blissful, awesome joy. I have to force myself to get into gear and to me this is unacceptable. I am seeking God to bring me to a new level of joy and worship. I wonder what He thinks about this miserable state I struggle to get out of.

Is this where He wants me to be...struggling to worship. Worship should be something that flows out of me, not something I have to force. I wonder what is the lesson? I can't share this burden with anyone because they just give me a trite scripture without expliani9ng what this awful phenomenon. I want to be a stream of pure love.

I finish this blog here at the Bradley Beach Library. I just finished my last route and strangely am sad. I feel like I'm accomplishing something. I feel like there is some reward a pay check to assist my husband with some of these medical bills....and to be generous with my offerings.

We'll be in July in less than a week and I'll be attending Chris's 4th of July party where he'll be another year older.

Gigs are slow and hard to come by.

I get another phone call from another person who wants me to pour myself into a broken person with a lot of baggag. I am weary of little reward for my music efforts, but I'm still going to be faithful to my Lord. I know it's part of the test. The most difficult past is having no one who can relate and to carry this burden all myself. That is so painful, so lonely and draining.

I pray that this coming July some great things will become of me. This has been a LONG test...a hard one.

posted by anita Ivette Ferrer on 06/26/2009

Journal Entry, Wednesday, April 2009 Doors Bustin’ Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

Since this past Sunday night leading worship for Pastor Sandra, God has thrown some crazy exciting new endeavors that I wouldn't expect. Last night I happened to check on the Craigslist page and saw an ad seeking a band for an outr4each commemorating the Columbine High school massacre to be held in Pittman, New Jersey. A woman name Victoria answered my email last night just a few minutes after I posted my request to speak with her about it!

This morning, I found out that her and her mother were facing obstacle after obstacle and bands had canceled as well as people who said they wanted to get involved never responded back. I commended Victoria about her courage and passion for our young people and shared my disdain about Christian allowing prayers to be taken out of schools. She also shared that she was struggling with cancer and had her thyroid removed a while back. Amazing that she has such a drive and love for our children and young students as me,

Then I had a message from Mike Serdinsky who I haven't jammed with for over two years. His beloved father passed away from cancer, He and the kids were very close. Mike seemed interested in talking about his kids all learning instruments and working with his drummer. I said how amazing also that I just spoke with a woman who was coordinating the "Columbine Outreach" and how when I lay in bed realized that to pull off my rock outreach songs, I would need a band! I told him I was always performing gigs in restaurants and bars as well as leading worship with my pastor and at other pastor's requests. I requested he back Chris and me up and also his kids for the event and he said he was definitely interested.

Then this afternoon, while on my way to Wall Township Police Station, a red light stopped traffic at Lakehurst Road. A navy mini van ahead of me ran the red light as the green left-turn arrow appeared. I flashed my high beams and blew my horn repeal. I could believe the man kept going. I continued to flash my high beams the driver finally pulled over and I rolled down my window as I saw him roll down his.

"You ran a red light back there. The Lakehurst cops are very hard around here,".I noticed his hat said Jesus Christ and he had a big cross around his neck. "I hope you ask the Lord's forgiveness, brother." I smiled as I noticed he didn't take my rebuke insultingly.
I drove off, but noticed he was pulling up to my side a mile up the road. I rolled down my window again and he asked if I was a musician and had a website. I offered to give him my material at the next parking lot. I pulled into a small shopping center parking lot and a tall man approached my car. He introduced himself as Pastor Frank who had a motorcycle ministry, was incarcerated for 6 years and traveled all over the country preaching and outreaching! I couldn't believe it as he shared more of his Christian service. He said he had an HBO feature and also ministered at Christian motorcycle events. He asked for my material and I ruffled in my computer bag, finally finding my ministry brochures. I was flabbergasted as he said he had many music industry connections and he wanted to be in touch with me. His wife was sitting in the car and smiled at me. I gave him my Mod prophet CD and my business card and offered to Mark and I to meet with him and his wife as soon as possible! I was pretty amazed. Pastor Frank also has a book about him and told me to Google him.

WOW, was all I can say, this in three short days. Reverend Kevin and Pastor Sandra, as well as many elders have prophesied God's timing is prompt and timely. I have had so many false hopes and disappointments and dead-ends. I wonder if this is the bomb God has been waiting to explode all of these 26 years. I am really psyched to be used so greatly this spring and for the rest of my life. I am excited to get to prayer night at Pastor Joes and to tell Mark all that's happened this day!

Last night, my session with John Mulrenan was very fruitful. We worked on vocal arrangements and harmonies on "Anticipation." I was thankful that though I was feeling bad with my jaw, I was singing right on pitch and the harmonies were cool, crisp and really filled up the song. John downloaded Drew Davidson's guitar tracks and we agreed they sounded nice. I have to get the other, first tracks he did and then email Dave Krug, Christian jazz saxophonist for the jazz tracks. We are pretty happy about the collaboration and progress of the songs. My next step is getting "Armchair Quarterbacks" and "Quicksand and Alligators" from Chris so we can wrap this CD up. It's been almost three years in the finishing of it.

I'm not going to get all worked up about these wonderful happenings. I don't want to get devastated at yet another false hope. I will wait and see what God will put together all I know is that things seem to just be falling into place and happening out of the blue. The main thing is getting Chris excited for this youth outreach for the "Columbine Commemoration." I'm hoping his spiritual awakening happens soon. I also hope that I can get George and George junior involved for the Ocean Grove Gospel ministry date that Don Cleaves gave me. George has some great contacts, but seems uninterested in using me for worship/music projects. I don't know what's up with that.

Lord, I believe that you have a great plan for me. Help me with this jaw dislocation. I know I am healed by Jesus' stripes but I need some relief from this pain. I thank you for the opportunity to be your mouthpiece and for these amazing and exciting new projects. I hope to sit down with Pastor Frank and his wife this Easter week-end as well as have a successful rehearsal with Mike Serdinsky and the kids. Hallelujah, Lord! Amen

posted by anita ferrer on 04/10/2009

Journal Entry, march 24, 2009 Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

Found a new chiropractor who is very experienced. Shara called me today and asked me how UI was doing with the TMJ problem. She told me about a great chiropractor in Lakewood who was Hassidic Jew. He says he may be able to help me and that I wasn't beyond help. He's seen worse. Thank the Lord. Mark did a lot of research also and thinks he has found a helpful diagnostic tool that can help take away pain. The STS machine is used by doctors who help pain patients. I will have to make some serious phone calls to pain management medicals facilities.

posted by anita ferrer on 03/23/2009

A Prayer, my last worship Song on fan Faves Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

ENCLOSE ME Sept 10, 2008

Enclose me, wrap me the blanket of your stillness,
Where I lay, nestled in the shadow of your wings.

release me, float like a leaf upon your peaceful stream,
Propel me, skyward where the diamond stars all gleam.

Enclose me Lord, Enrapture me.
Reveal to me , my destiny.
You still my soul, You are my bread
You are the air I breathe.

Unfetter me, Release me from the bondage of my misery,
Like an eagle, Soaring high above the lofty tress

Enrapture me, capture just my Spirit in your memory.
I'm spellbound, by the masterpiece of Your imagery
The turbulence of Life...impedes my momentum,
But Your emminence proceeds & I resume my tribal strum.

posted by anita ferrer on 03/14/2009

MY BATTLE WITH DYSTONIA Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

Journal Entry, March 8, 2009

The convulsing never stops. The misery continues each waking moment, but I know there must be thousands all over the world baffled by their constant, uncontrollable bodily movements. Doctors are baffled, prescribe muscle relaxants to no avail.

People stare and our friends and family don't understand this endless trial. For people of faith, this is a trying test as we cry out to God daily for relief. I can't asleep and I pray that I'll not wake up.

It started around March of 2006 and a month later, Dr Buck said I had Dystonia. I'm a professional performing musician, guitar player, artist and writer. My work and calling all entail speaking, singing and working with my hands.

Jerking my mouth open while hitting a high E note one day while driving was the beginning of my agonizing trial. Crack. I thought little of it at first, but a few weeks later, an unfamiliar, contraction moved my throat by the month's end getting so bad my tempero-mandibular jaw joints became an inflamed lump on my right side. By mid afternoon, my jaw and lower face were exhausted by the constant movement. Pain and anxiety were my new companions. People would stare as my face contorted unattractively and uncontrollably.
This battle with Dystonia has been the most compelling and daunting of my life and has diminished the quality of my life more than anything I could have ever imagined.

I've suffered with health issues since a young girl, hay fever and fatigue, but when I got chicken pox at 25, things went really sour and I was susceptible to bronchial infections.The bomb hit in 1992 with a Lyme Disease diagnosis. Treatment protocol was a full month of intravenous IV Rosephin. The Lyme spirochete subsided temporally, but came back with a vengeance several months later. I had to have a full month of Amoxicillin and doctor even neglected to inform me about pro-biotic for my gut health. Candida fungus proliferated .for two years before getting it under control. My lower body weight gain and clinical depression robbed two years of my life.

I managed to forge forward, with my outreach ministry and even recorded my first CD, "Ill Fly High" in 1996.
Years later, after incredible hardship, unemployment and poverty, I met and married my soul mate. Hubby and I both set out to sleuth the facts, details and causes of the bizarre and disabling symptoms-/malady that doctors deem incurable. I'm blessed that God send me a husband who is highly intelligent and a health freak I myself have always been impassioned about good health, fitness and youthfulness. After 26 years of faithfully serving Jesus Christ, both through my music outreach and ministry exploits and pure love for what He has done for me , I discovered the promise of believers being promised divine health and healing! No one was going to tell me I would be living with seizures for the rest of my life...but people are accepting the doctors death diagnoses every day!

I've learned that though God allows difficult trials, sickness and hardships for learning, they are only temporary and He makes a way out, a cure or freedom from captivity. I cannot accept mainstream medicine's doctrines of being tethered to pharmaceuticals for life, especially when they all have terrible side effects! God has given us the herbs and natural supplements for our healing and the body is so designed to heal itself.

I've embarked on this journey wrought with tedious and persistent research almost every day on the computer. My husband has also gleaned some amazing research results dealing with disease.

Afterr reading Dr Sherry Rogers book, "Detox or Die," I found out how environmental illnesses from toxin accumulation resuls in suffering from unexplained symptoms. She went from doctor to doctor and took test after test to no avail about what was causing her down spiraling condition. No one could find what was wrong with her. One chapter of Dr Roger's books talks about the benefits of dtoxifying through sweating in a FAR sauna. Sweating is the body's way of purging toxins out of the skin's sweat pores.

Dr Richard Scuiltze, master herbalist also touts detoxifying colon cleaning and purging the body with kidney and liver flushes. When the detoxifying organs are sluggish and overloading with poisons and debris, the body cannot recover and heal. Since my body continued to show effects of some sort of neurological malfunctioning as well as my thyroid and adrenal glands were sluggish and depleted. Something was putting great strain on all my organs and the tests were not showing anything significant.

I continued to pray for God's wisdom and diligently researched probable causes of my neurological malady. The more information I found, the more I realized I was overloaded with accumulated toxins. Mark urged me to get a hair analysis and I was relived to finally find that my problem was heavy metal and mercury overload! This shouldn't have surprised me.

Over the years and through many illnesses, (including carbon monoxide poisoning) my body had become saturated with an arsenal of highly damaging toxins and chemicals, including, Sucralose from Slpenda and Aspartame from NutraSweet, both artificial sweeteners. These substances are now found in thousands of food products. I advise all to check out Dr Mercola's excellent and informative book, "Sweet Deception" about the dangers of these harmful artificial substances.

The most amazing information so far has been discovering about mercury toxicity from dental fillings, and heavy metal poisoning! Have doctors looked into any of these issues in their patients? People are suffering and being undiagnosed and misdiagnosed for years. Babies and little children are suffering from autism, Tourettes Syndrome, neurological maladies and toxicities from heir mother's placenta!.The elderly suffer from Alzheimer and Parkinson's Disease. All these are related to toxic and heavy metal overload!.

Having shared my pain, incredible suffering and misery, I also want to offer you hope. With all the beauty God has nurtured in me and what I've become because of His grace and mercy, I believe my calling is no longer just as a musician and artist. I'm compelled to champion victims and underdogs imprisoned by their own bodies and chemical emotional disorders. Natural, alternative and holistic medicine have already discovered cures and treatments for symptoms and illness once though of as incurable. I must share this imperative, life-svaing information with all I meet. Why accept a death sentence?

The most astounding physician of all time, Dr Dietrik Klinghardt has researched and documented the effects of mercury, heavy metal and chemical accumulation on the human body and has designed a protocol for removing and mobilizing mercury. Chelation is the only way to remove these stubborn substances from the tissues. I have never heard of him or his area of medical practice, but I am thankful for answered prayer.

During his researching, Mark has found much amazing information to be rid the body of diminishing substances and poisons. We can walk in divine health, but we will have to completely overhaul our present way of living. .

As I compose this blog/essay, I'm in great discomfort, but just the thought of someone seeing the light is worth this suffering! I've been in our FAR sauna almost every day for the past three weeks in the hopes that I 'll soon feel the constant mouth and throat movement and jaw pin dissipate. It's interfered greatly with even getting restful sleep and has greatly inhibited my enjoyment of my life, creativity and even my desire to live! By3 pm, the muscles of the mouth, neck and jaw have moved so much that I'm totally drained and only desire to be completely unconscious.

I've lost the desire to eat, socialize or engage in any of my former joyful hobbies or activities. I don't see how other Dystonia victims are even enjoying their lives. I can't. The muscle relaxants and Ibuprofin do not work. So all I can do is suffer and hope that the next morning I will wake up to less throat muscle movement.

The only thing I can be grateful for is now having the knowledge of how to remove these poisons from my body. Sadly, since I've been around for a few decades, my body has absorbed a lot, so it may take a while to get some relief. Relief is the main thing I need. How many others are suffering from being drained from movement disorders and a diminished lifestyle?

Because of this horrendous condition, I'm on an impassioned journey to champion victims and underdogs to gain the knowledge. To help them find the causes of their diseases and to help their bodies to heal. Every person should have the right to enjoy their life and walk in the very best that God has called them to. Our own leaders and governments have misused their power to hinder our destinies through their misuse of industry and manufacturing, (pouring poisonous chemicals and wastes into our water and environment), the FDA, (allowing all sorts of dangerous substances, dyes, chemicals, and even genetically engineering our food, cleaning and health-beauty aids-supply, along with a host of other damaging substances like dental amalgam fillings in people's teeth!

This knowledge should be made public for all. So much needless suffering and death. I pray this blog will awaken you and set you on the path to healing, recovery and wellness. It will be a long, difficult and redious journey, but if you takes Christ's hand, He will lead you into wisdom, knowledge and love. God bless you and feel free to contact me and be encourage through my website You can also visit on my sit

posted by anita ferrer on 03/08/2009

JOURNAL ENTRY Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

Saturday, February 21, 2009

It continues to be an arduous, dragging journey with this health condition By the mid afternoon, my facial muscles are so tight that I my eye muscles tighten also and I squint. It's unenjoyable to even read or watch Every might I struggle to fall asleep and I continue to research a cure for this distracting throat muscles contractions. I live just to fall asleep and get totally unconscious. Despite praying, decreeing my healing and divine health, I am still miserable. Very little interests me. All I can think about is going to sleep and hoping the next day will bring me some peace in my throat area. I have lain awake many nights thinking about all sorts of deep things. Most of the thoughts deal with death, disease and quality/loss of life. I think about the massive casualties of the bubonic plaque, this century's escalating death toll from cancer and all sorts of maladies from toxins and chemicals, etc. I wonder why my mind chooses to be impassioned and curios about the fields of science, preventative health and alternative/natural medicine. I grow less and less interest in music.

I wonder what God has for me. I wonder why this long drawn-out and miserable battle that seems to show no end. I know that my redeemer lives, yet I feel like my whole person is dying. I am a shell of who I used to be. I'm no longer an excited and smiling person, but a deeply introspective spiritual and health detective, thinking, pondering and looking to the next hour to research a condition or mystery symptoms. I have interest in even picking up my guitar. I don't know I this is because of my nuero-transmitters still not being readjusted yet or the enemy taking away my desire to make beautiful music for God and people.

There's a deep sadness in me that I've lost my joy and passion. I hope God will give it back to me. It's so wearying going day after day with no joy or excitement for anything. I plug away decreeing that I am whole and healed, the Lord is so slow in making the manifestations. Why is he taking so long to give me relief? Why does he wish me to suffer so?

I barely have the energy to decree against the spiritual realms of darkness. With so much against me physically, It takes so much energy and focus just to command the darkness and evil principalities to listen flee from my body.

Pastor Sandra claims my situation is stress, another says that it is a generational stronghold from before I was born or in my mother's womb. I don't know what this horrid condition is. I am trying everything I can and trusting God. People tell me to wait on God, trust Him. I do. But what do I do? Do nothing and just sit? I need relief from these horrid spasms. I am mostly speaking His word. It is draining and so overwhelming, many nights I hope to not wake up from my sleep...and then I have to deal with callous, self-centered people who tell me not to complain!

God will have to deal with them. Who knows whether they will go through a similiar situation in their health that will humble them. Having two negative phone calls in one day was bad enough. Peter had a great defeat in court with the judge not granting Rebekah's mother to pay child support for Rebekah. I asked him why legal aid was not helping. They would not take his case! How can this be that this poor man has no income or legal support for is own daughter. Injustice.

I called Lori, who is finally out of the hospital after not hearing from her in a few months.Was relieved to hear her answer her phone, but she asked me not to call her any more the second time I called. I was stunned. What is God doing here in my life...??? Very bizarre and strange people events and circumstances. Not at all makes for a persons happiness or enthusiasm.

I must meditate on the passage the prayer person On Joyce Meyer prayer gave me, Psalm 131:1..Lord, help me to not be overly concerned about tings too high for me. Not easy!

posted by anita ferrer, asbury park angel on 02/22/2009

COURAGE Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

Upon entering my steaming tub, after another bake session in the FAR sauna and treadmill, I look forward to a restful soak and sleep. I think about the days events. Thoughts about courage inspire me and I am compelled to get out of the tub and capture God's glimpses of this elusive subject. As always, God inspire me at the most inopportune moment. I needed a long soak.

So...what is courage? A friend emailed me recently in answer to my BLOG page.

Fighting a war on foreign ground right out of highschool, braving the toxic flow of chemotherapy into your veins from an IV needle against cancer and raising three daughters alone, (two severely handicapped) after finding your husband dropped dead from a massive heart attack in his dental office.

My own life death battles pale in comparison to these precious church friends. We pious Christians have a habit of lessening each other's traumas, trial and battles to ease our own frustration, impatience and disdain. Okay God, you're trying to teach/tell me something. Some of us are carrots, softening with the boiling water and while other eggs hardening with the same.

I visited an Indie Heaven artists site and read her blog about the upcoming elections. She voted for Obama. I keep her identity private out of respect and wonder if she voted for him because he is b ani-racial like her also. I was very impressed wither articulate piece and desire to engage her circle and the culture with Christ and her spiritual influence. She is also happens to be on tour with a famous and major label artist who hasn't acknowledged Jesus Christ through her music, as far as I know. I have most of this woman's CDs and have heard that she once was a Christian, (but like King's X) has parted ways with Christ. I think her boyfriend who was a fundamentalist had something to do with it. I've been praying this artist for years now.

I have read about and personally experienced many examples of courage, particularly from confidants who died from excruciating cancer as well as the tangible hero of my life, my eighty year old father, Papito Teofilo Ferrer who proudly served this country upon leaving his native Puerto Rico.

I have a difficult time with people who despise this great country, people who vote for a president or candidate cause he is black, (he is also half white!, or have to disrespect others who struggle with theirs trial in a different way than them

It seems to me, we are becoming a confused nation and a confused church.

I'm sure that many of my statements, essays and conversations have made me a stink in the nostrils of certain people in the past with the power to promote me. But I am passionate about the Christ convictions and lessons that God has instilled to not speak them. I've regretted few things I've said , because I mull it over in my heart against Christ's answer to Pharisees. God's own Son could have easily and tritely used His Father's very words to justify Himself, but He chose to pause, wait and graciously act in a manner of a gentle shepherd. I believe the humiliating and painful trial God has set in my path are more than just random tests to endure. The lesson goes so much deeper and in these uncertain and fearful times. Many will be lost, confused, (even the very elect) and smug about their faith, spiritual knowledge and even experience. We must cast down everything that exalts itself against the knowledge of God. Knowledge is more than knwoing His word as a scholar. We must seek be His grace and mercy also.

I've never been a butt-kisser to be promoted. Conviction is not a coveted attribute, but I thank God for it when I get too smug about my own wordily wisdom, experiences and understanding and perception of His word and way. Compassion and mercy are the only Christ bandages that can cover a multitiude of our and the world's sins!

I will never make the staff picks or "Diaimoinds, because, because my subject matter and words of truth are too convicting. I share this essay not to impress, but to be obedient with what God wants to share from His heart. We should never be content expanding only our strong gifts. We should seek to strengthen the week ones, too.

posted by anita ferrer on 02/13/2009

PREFACE, PART II Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

I would have to seriously redefine my audience and offer them something of eternal and invaluable worth. At present, all I to offer was a broken heart, pain and postponement of my dreams. I really didn't see any reason to continue, yet alone finish a work so uncertain and bleak. I have drunk deeply of the cup of the world, its precepts and ideologies. I rubbed elbows with the very wealthy during my stint as a restaurant jazz chanteuse, looking as though I was a part of their world. In actuality I was a struggling, single woman with a chronic, ugly illness. At one time, I would have been a contender for spots as top model or female singer, but those days are long gone. I have missed the boat. I often imagine how different my life would have been had I grabbed certain opportunities rather than let them slide because I didn't have the best studio production or the transportation to travel daily into Manhattan..

Everyone loves to discover the secrets of the beautiful and successful. Their subject matter was provocative and fascinating and best sellers are about famous movie stars, political greats and football heroes, not bi-racial, women from humble background with no relevant civic contributions to society. Even best sellers by musician, preachers and televangelist are all famous or had strong industry or religious connections.

So...where do I go from here? I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is with me, He has not brought any of this evil on me, nor has He forgotten His wonderful promises to me. I ask Him, why me? Is there something in me that would warrant His choice to expound His deepest mysterious of the human existence to me, a broken, fragile vessel Could there be anything more amazing than for God to demonstrate and share His breathtaking intrinsicess with a mortal, degraded and marred human female.

In my searching for Him in my foggy, black tunnel, I grasp for the hem of His garment like a tiny, lost child clinging to a tattered blanket in the night. Though dirty, bruised and disoriented by the hurricane that has swept me into a strange land, God continues to mesmerizes me with glimpses of His beauty...even in the ugliest and darkest places in my life and heart..

The young, starry-eyed and aspiring teenager is long gone, along with those wispy dreams of being a beautiful, sought-after starlet, fashion priestess and rock star. God was doing a new thing
There were to be new dreams and aspirations. His dreams. He is calling me to experience and share in the fellowship of suffering. The new focus of my book is now His artistry and His partnering with me during my journey through this alien hostile world. And not only this, but also, there is something that God wants to break or something he wants to break and recreate.

I am home now, preparing dinner for my husband and still in agony with this jaw spasms. The stress of the contracting muscles have now radiated to my clavicle and chest area and even my upper face is drained. Lately my yes have even been affected by this strange malady and is a struggle to keep them open while driving, reading or watching TV. I pray that God will not let my vision keep me from seeing an animal or person crossing the street It is bad, but God is greater than my suffering and the symptoms of my condition.

Before I even began writing my book and title it,"Marching to the Beat of a Different Drum", I had visions of grandeur. I had planned to share my wisdom of navigating the maze of life, but this illness has turned all my worldly wisdom and certainly to naught. Now I have nothing, no knowledge and realize that all of my hard work, human effort, research and talent cannot guide anyone....only God can.

Between episodes of violent emotional upheaval and peaceful introspection have been the voices the faithful friends who have peppered my life with hope ...for my recovery and the surety of God's love, however baffling. My webmaster, Frank Acsione, my ever-encouraging spiritual sister, Collene Nowe, pastors, Mattis Pottiger and Sandra Gonzalez, Pastor Joseph Santucci and their wonderful spouses, certain members of the Indie Heaven Christian musicians network, Chris Durante, my songwriter partner of 18 years and most of all my precious father, papito Teofilo Ferrer Cepeda. My father continues to inspire me with courage, candor and trust in the Lord through his many continual and serious illnesses that has kept him tethered to a hospital bed enough for more times than could ever be counted. His ability to endure astounding discomfort and pain can only be attributed to His love for the Almighty God.

I try the best I can to be obedient as the Holy Spirit stirs me to capture a revelation. Inspirations' come at the most inopportune moments, especially now as as sweat runs down my body here in this sauna. I quickly scribble down the details of vignettes...of the inspirational meeting the mundane, praying that my sweat doesn't blur my words. As I write and think, I realize how poignant my life has been and I know I must press forth to continue this book. The world must see how glorious God is!

I perceive that my Heavenly father is doing a process of astounding magnitude through suffering in all of humanity and the creation.. I perceive that in addition to creating the galaxies, aligning the atoms in perfect unison within the same casing, designing the inexplicable workings of the human body to heal itself that He is creating the most astounding with His own and woman!

I hope that by the end of this book, He gives me a glimpse of how and why suffering must be a part of His work through His creation and how it is so beautiful in His sight!

posted by anita ferrer, asbury park angel on 01/31/2009

PREFACE, (my book) Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

JOB 2009
The fellowship of Suffering


I'm here at the library after a long, hot shower that I hoped would give me some relief from the agonizing, incessant pain, gnawing at me for almost two years. I directed the shower head, with its strong current of very warm water on my jaws and throat, hoping to get some relief from the never-ending , throbbing pain. Just before, I endured the stifling and almost unbearable 127 degree heat of the sauna that was part of my detoxing ritual.

My life has taken some very unpredictable turns since those first unusual contractions in my throat in early March of 2006. Countless tests and at least ten doctors later, I was no closer to solving the most daunting and challenging battle of my life. Would these contractions hinder me from signing and speaking or worse yet, what if my throat closed? To make matters worse, no one had any idea what was causing the violent contractions in my neck that made my jaw joint force my moth open all day. It was not only excruciating at times, but humiliating. Sometimes while driving people would stare at me grimacing with my mouth yanking open and closing. This was not what I was looking forward to after a lifetime of difficult health, financial and spiritual battles. I expected to arrive at my promised land!

Three months ago, I finally gave in to see a natural doctor in Toms River for tests. I was desperate for some answers, having been disappointed and disgusted that top neurological specialists at Philadelphia University Hospital could find nothing unusual with my MRI and other tests. Dr Hartanowitz eyed me and confirmed that my test results confirmed I had Lyme Disease, mono and other glandular disorders.

I was relieved that at least I knew what I was fighting against, yet devastated that I to start all over again with a battle against an enemy so insidious and almost impossible to eradicate. Lyme Disease people are often disabled and some die.

I felt like a massive boulder had fallen on me and I had no way to get myself from under it. I was overwhelmed with tumultuous emotions, rage, that a demonic enemy had penetrated my body, sadness that I might never reach my oasis and utter bafflement that God had yet again thrown me under the bus and left me to handle all the devastating and sordid details myself.

There were no Bible verses that addressed medically addressing Lyme Disease, cancer, Splenda/Nutra Sweet, mercury and carbon monoxide poisoning, all devastating, yet unexplored areas of human illness. I was/am truly on my own.

The focus and direction of my book, "Marching to the Beat of a Different Drum".
has drastically changed since I started writing it while vacationing with my husband in sunny, beautiful Florida. I began the book with excitement, passion and expectancy for my future and complete recovery. My book was to celebrate my life as a Born-again, child of God embarking on a journey of discovering the th arts. I elaborated on th details of my record projects, ministry exploits and the allure being a spiritual, spirited modern Christian woman.

As I put on my coat and walk out the door to start my pick-up, preparing to drive to the library to rewrite the preface for my book, many more thought flood my mind. Why would anyone truly be interested in a book chronicling my devastating illnesses, spiritual tragedies and bizarre failed relationships?

Who would be interested about a woman who just made a milestone leap into middle-age and plummeted like a boulder into the depths of illness, and a mystery one at that? A cataclysmic change, like a monkey wrench threw everything in my life and being askew. Well into this condition, with no relief in sight, I ponder the outcome of my life, ministry and this book. How senseless to feign accrued wisdom and the perceived sure path through the maze of life. I was assured that I had no answers and had no idea where I was going. What would this book offer to the non believing world who were glazed by fame, fortune, popularity and hype?

posted by anita ferrer, asbury park angel on 01/17/2009

ZOOM! Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

"Happy New Year, 2009!" I announced last night to the patrons of the Martini's restaurant. Dressed in an exquisite purple beaded gown, singing inspirational ballads, I used my Diva persona as leverage to inspire the patrons to anticipate 2009 with joy and passion. Not an easy thing when my jaw and throat muscles contracted violently all night. I was standing in front of the fireplace and everyone could see every move I made.

Hubby asked me how I was doing and I whispered Jesus' name at least a hundred times throughout the night as I struggled to support to extended notes of the Streisand and Celine covers.

The attentive bartender found a common bond with hubby, Mark. She asked about my twitching and told Mark about her son's struggle with Tourette's Syndrome.

Amazingly, several patrons approached my hubby with twenty dollar tips for singing their favorite Cole Porter standards. Honestly, it's been while since crooning the Jazz standards and I was thankful that I remembered most by heart, having sung them hundreds of times before. My facial muscles were strained, causing my eyes to close, but my first priority was to entertain and make the evening delightful to the best of my ability. A myriad of thoughts both positive and negative vied for focus.

"Embrace your beauty and the exciting possibilities of this New Year." The patrons paid close attention as I briefly expounded the graces of appreciating loved one, friends and God's blessings.

"Gratitude for the magnitude of blessings, anticipation for expectations of great things to come, " I continued with a warm smile. The pain in my jaws was excruciating, but God was faithful.

New Year's shouldn't be an obligatory determination to change, but a joyous reminder to zoom forward with that burst of renewal and passion for what God has given you.

I thought of my all you precious Indie Heaven brothers and sisters sharing your exploits, sorrows, hopes and disappointments here on the forum boards. I read vicariously, connecting and rejoicing in the beauty of our humanity. There is so much more going on than meets the eye. We actively participate in God's mysterious and intrinsic creation...a human universe. filled with intense and unknown exquisiteness. We're all, yet not all of us are called to be super novas!

Just as I addressed the expectant crowd at Martini's last night, I encourage you all to be open to God's portion, however challenging and see what He does! Focus on your game plan. Do what's before any given moment and do it to the best of your ability.

I hadn't plan to go out for New year's Eve. God opened a door and I chose to accept the challenge of being a blessing. I planted seeds of faith in a group of people I would never see again, fully believing they will anticipating greatness in 2009. I infused a "God bless you" with every New year hug and sent them off.


posted by anita ferrer on 01/02/2009

MISTY & ME , Journal Entry: December 24, 2008 Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

This essay is about Misty...not the jazz ballad I sing to wealthy patrons at the upscale Oakland House Restaurant, but a beautiful 27 year old church woman who was a devoted wife and mother. She passed who passed away this past September 27., 2008. I knew that one day, I would express my emotions about Misty's devastating, yet courageous battle, fighting a brain tumor.

My interest in Misty began soon after developing slight tremors in my neck & throat about a year and a half ago. The tremors turned into strong contractions which then included the temporo-mandibular jaw joint disorder TMJ.

I was suddenly thrown into the scary and draining world of doctor visits, tests and more tests. One afternoon after church service, Grandma Gwen pulled me aside to ask for my prayers for her grand daughter, Misty. I didn't even know her, but I told Grandma that I would uplift her in prayer. Weeks passed and Misty's name was included in our church bulletin prayer request list. I still hadn't met her, but somehow her battle for life and my own battle to find out what was causing my suffering became the common bond. I thought about Misty often and tried to imagine her feelings as she went through her chemotherapy, more tests, massive seizures from the brain tumor and more hospital stays. Her ever-loyal husband, Darren vicariously endured her battle with her.

One Sunday, I finally saw Misty. Darren was wheeling her in a wheelchair and she had a bandana on her head. I knew she wouldn't remember me from the hand made card I sent her a few weeks ago, but I introduced myself as Pastor Matt invited us to come to the altar to have our needs filled by the Lord.

I gazed at Darren standing beside Misty. I saw a gentle, patient young man who deeply loved his wife.

From that Sunday service, Misty occupied my thoughts as I tossed and turned at night, trying to fall asleep. Mark and I had taken my recovering into our own hands as the neurological specialists, three chiropractors and an acupuncturists had no idea what was causing my debilitating throat malady.

As the weeks turned into a full year and a half and I was suffering even more, yet believing that God was restoring me, I prayed for Misty and myself with a great fervor. I expected that any day we would stand before the congregation and give a magnificent praise report.

At times when I prayed at night fearful thought would assail that I might die and I was filled with rage against the enemy. I was so tired and I know so was Misty. I couldn't allow this mysterious evil to steal yet another aspect of my life. I'd suffered too many evil physical traumas. I prayed that Misty also took the same stance.

No one admits or expresses the roller coaster thoughts and feelings that prevail at night when spouses and kids are sleeping peacefully. The mystery of suffering is shrouded in secrecy. There is no one to turn to when questions rage like a current. There is little comfort from the Bible about the battle to overcome a serious, life-threatening illness. Yes, the Lord is always there for us, but we alone must endure and bear the burden of our recovery protocol and the great lengths of time before we can feel some relief.

I have been through some painful, uncomfortable symptoms, but I must say that this unusual malady is beyond me. Having your mouth yank itself open by a throat muscle contraction every ten or so seconds causes great stress and pressure on the jaw joints, not to say the humiliation of having to turn my head from anyone near me. I have had people at me as I grimace, make ugly faces and struggle to close my jutting mouth. A far cry from the teenager whose dream was to be a beautiful and well-loved rock star and fashion designer. Never more have I felt so hideous and weak. I want my life back.

Lately, the contractions have made my life so miserable, I can't concentrate or focus. n teI have never fought such a battle. God has put me through many battles and though they took years, I was victorious. I had some control over my bodily functions and could at least enjoy some part of my life. The stress of my mouth jutting open is so debilitating, I just want to fall into an oblivious sleep and not wake up.

This battle is devastating and so encompassing for despite countless prayers, laying on of hands of many pastors, support from my friends and taking a so many supplements I could throw up, little has changed. There is no relief from this wildly convulsing neck and throat muscles. I fear to even speak of my struggle for fear that I am cursing my own healing. So what does one do? I cannot stuff or ignore my fears, feelings and questions.

This bizzarr and undiagnosed condition has rendered me totally helpless and so desperate, I'm willing to try just about anything for an hour of relief. I have to deal with the stares and ignorant remarks even from grown, mature adults friends. I cannot help this muscle twitching.

All expectations, dreams and pleasures have halted as I am so drained and empty of energy Many nights have ended with me hysterically, begging the Lord to give me relief.

It's gotten so bad, I had to pull over to the side of the road while driving to my 4 hour gig. My jaw kept jutting open every ten seconds or so and it was draining my energy rapidly. I've lost all interest in everything. At the very least, when I had severe clinical depression from Carbon Monoxide poisoning back in 2001, I was still able to look and act normally. This condition is beyond anything I have ever heard of and has plunged my self confidence to the lowest level. My face has broken out and I am exhausted all the time.

My efforts to be a godly person have been futile for my moods are very impatient, irritable and I have little tolerance while driving. There is nothing I can be confidant about except that God is positioning me from falling.

Mark and I are on the right track though with getting rid of our mercury amalgam fillings. There are so many medical proofs of its dangerous and highly toxic ability to poison the body over time. The protocol is very complicated and I am, scared to have my tiny 30 year old filling taken out because mercury can move to the blood brain barrier. This is serious business and I doubt many of my Christian friends have any idea the horror of such a procedure and the risk.

I am grateful that God has inspired me to compose a few beautiful, new worship songs and my collaboration with my new producer, John has helped bring my artistry to a new level. I believe this strange, undiagnosable Lyme- related, mercury condition is bringing me to a new realm of faith. I wonder what God is thinking as I suffer. Does he care at all? Yet, I cling to Him as if my life depends on it. I tread a precipice of frightening extremes, from clutching to life and praising Him even for this nightmare, to having a hate so strong..I plunge to the depths of despair...longing for relief or death. No one like to read this type of honesty, because it make one uncomfortable.

Did Misty have these morbid thoughts?Am I an unworthy coward that can't endure a simple test God has placed before me/ The ill and the suffering cling to God for His mercy,.but no one talks openly about it! It is lonely, so painfully lonely. Few can understand and many try to take away the pain by trite scripture verses.

Well, I'll tell you, they do not take away this pain. They give me hope to endure, but this is my own lonely and agonizing battle that only I can experience. No one can endure or experience these tests but me. I want to do and be my best for Him, but I am helpless. How much of my lack and failure is my responsibility and how much of it will God require as my debt? No one has answers for these questions.

posted by anita ferrer on 12/28/2008

TOILET DEMON ATTACK! Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

Journal entry, December 6, 2008

Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord Delivers them out of them all.
That evil downstairs toilet has yet again spewed up his putrid stench, flooding the downstairs foyer, seeping into my office and making a mess. My kitten once again were scared to death to see this flood of water come into their sleepy domain.
This disaster began a string a string of other disasters, making this one of the worse Christmas season ever. Mark has been working double shifts all week and we've become like two ships in the night passing each other. To make matters worse, I'm pretty much on my own with taking care of the house.
I anticipated an enjoyable evening, socializing with the administrator and staff at the head trauma-center rehabilitation Christmas Party all the way in Morristown, a two- hour ride. Mark was so groggy from little sleep that we decided to not go. I felt God wanted us to be there to minister to someone. Should we go? Should we stay? I lay on th bed, resting, then got up to pull a lace dress out of the closet. Stay home. Mark is exhausted and gets really ugly when Anything doesn't go his way. Forty-five minutes went by and we decide to go.
After a two hour ride doing 75, we finally arrived. The party started at seven and it was about eight-forty. Mark hadn't eaten and was getting more angry with the pulsating dance music blaring. I could tell that he was very uncomfortable and his eyes were half closed. I spoke briefly with my friends we left for back home.
Mark and I had a huge tiff during our long ride back. We finally rounded the bend into our country lakes neighborhood..I breathed sigh of relief, knowing we'd be home in five minutes. Before I knew it Mark was yelling, "Stop, Stop...stop!" Headlights suddenly blinded me and a car swerved into our lane. I had nearly a second to respond and jam on my brakes, before I heard the crunch, scrape noise. I was petrified & couldn't move. Mark exploded in rage ,
"What are ya doing, Catch Him!" He jumped out of the passenger side to take the wheel and I ran to where he just sat. The rest of the evening turned out into a high speed chase & I though we were going to accidently skid into the lake. I'm sure I lost 10 years.
By the time we got home. I was a basket case. I was so drained the rest of the week-end that I couldn't get anything accomplished. Mark was raging about paying for the damage, the truck's alignment would be permanently damage and he was tired of being screwed by everyone.
MY friend, Phil also called to report that his precious mother died early this week after her long battle with cancer. He was relieved that her suffering was over, but exhausted about all the preparations for the funeral and family. Phil has been under great duress spiritually and about the condition of his unsaved family members. Shelby in Niagra Falls has also been under attack and deeply troubled. I thank God for the power of prayer to encourage my two brothers.

Single, partially disabled father, Peter shared his victory in court over full custody of daughter, Rebekah! The situation has been perilous the past several years about her mom's boyfriend's verbal abuse and violent behavior towards Rebekah. A retraining order was pending and Peter has been opposing the court system for years as well as DYFS, Division of Youth and family services. Peter's anguish over the unjust and inefficient system has caused great damage to the many plaaced in foster care, with many foster parents being perverts, negligent and just taking the money for selfish purposes. There needs to be a great overhaul of the whole system.
My sisters fell through DYFS"s cracks also and both have scars. Peter and I have have often been interceding before the Lord. He survives on a very small, fixed income and concerns include getting a part-time job and an affordable apartment for him and Rebekah in Point Pleasant Boro.

posted by anita ferrer, asbury park angel on 12/12/2008

LOOKIN” FOR THAT UZI? Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

Red beet juice stained every surface of my kitchen counter, the juicer, the utensils and even the floor. I'm getting disgusted about this endless ritual of keeping faithful to my Lyme Disease protocol. At times, the stress of taking so many supplements, exercising when I just want to sleep are too much. Oh, to veg out on a soft lumpy couch and doze off watching a good Arnold Schwartzenager action movie!

Hubby takes over my lovely warm bath water after he eats yet another meal alone. We haven't enjoyed eating dinner together since my chronic jaw inflamation began and chewing has even become a chore, bringing on more pain. A pan of ginger carrot juice bubbles on the stove. Exciting Thanksgiving supper,

The usual rage starts to bubble inside of me and I want to scream at the top of my lungs and kill somebody. Some days, the pain and convulsing is so bad, I envision Mark nagging like Job's wife.

"Curse God and die." The enemy teases me everyday with the refrain.

I just got off the phone with my beloved younger sister in Texas who is not enjoying her Thanksgiving either. She and hubby had yet another fight. This time it was a two hour rampage about not being with her family in Jersey for the seventh Thanksgiving in a row. All her neighbors had cars lined in front of their houses and parked in their driveways and she envisioned all the laughter and family reminiscing. I did the best I could to encourage her with memories of when we were teenagers in fosters homes all living on the same neighborhood and enjoying time with each other..

Certainly not the usual Thanksgiving subject matter.

I was now a vegetarian, thanks to my compassionate hubby who believed eating any animals was wrong and cruel. I jumped on the band wagon while we courted, (for God forbid I should sneak a frozen chicken in the freezer while he was at work and he was to find it while looking for his favorite fudge soy cream)! I'm used the meatless lifestyle and don't miss meat at all.

Another year has already passed with my malady. It is often grueling trying to get through each day and it's become a ritual to hit the internet to research a cure for my convulsing neck and throat muscles. Often, the pain is so bad, I cry myself to sleep and beg God to translate me like Enoch, but the enemy manages to remind me what a bad Christian, cursing that idiot who cut me off on the Parkway that afternoon..

Ah...such is life.

Tonight, while baking in that cursed sauna, as part of my Lyme ritual, I call me sister to tell her how much I love her and that Mark and I are praying for her and Ed. She complains about the terrible news report about the terrorists who have just bombed that hotel in India and those wackos who were shooting innocent people on that mid west highway.

"Where did they get those Uzi's, she asks incredulously. "I'd love to get my hands on one of them to get the as.. So they'll never hurt anyone again."

"Well sis", I answered, "Fighting fire with fire never solves the problem. Love is the answer."

No answer. By this time, she new better than to argue about faith, forgiveness and love...especially on Thanksgiving.

Amazing the different styles of Thanksgiving. As I scrub my counter, I count my blessings. To Mark and me every day is Thanksgiving. Whenever we see Jackie in his wheelchair, his watermelon-sized legs ballooning , we thank God we can walk.

Jackie say want the doctors to have his legs amputated because they are annoying and just weight.

"You know, I've met people who are in worse shape than me, " he remarks to Mark. Imagine a young Black man who is paralyzed from the waist down, has to wear adult diapers and has Spinal Bifida saying they are people worse off than me.

He is right. No matter how much we are suffering or how bad we think we have it, there is always someone going through worse..

While my sister gripes that she hasn't been back to jersey in eight years, I thank God that I'm God's child, that He enables me each day to take care of my house, my hubby, my five cats. I thank Him for the creativity to be able to record my fifth CD with an incredible new producer and a new sound. I thank God for my beautiful warm bed and down comforters at night and that I live in such a great country as the USA. I Thank God most of all for who God has been in my life.

When you think you're ready to flip out and ask where you can get an Uzi, think how bad your situation really is. Say "Thank You, Lord for the good and the bad. Brother Paul, the apostle tells us to praise God in all situations. Happy Thanksgiving....every day!

posted by anita ferrer, asbury park angel on 11/28/2008

MUSIC INTERVIEW WITH EDITOR STEVE LE VINE Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

Anita Ferrer has been interviewed by fine New Jersey entertainment magazine editor, BARFLY, Steve LeVine. The article is rich with references to Anita's Lord and Savior and she goes into some detail about her work in outreach capacities. A very surprising thing to share about Christ and ministering to people in a sports and entertainment magazine, but Anita's testimony is bold, challenging and inspiring. Never one to shirk from His goodness, she is grateful for God using her in even secular environments. The entertainment field desperately needs Christ in these times where people want even more to escape their troubles.

Check out the article if you live in central Jersey!.

posted by on 11/24/2008

COUP D'ETAT? Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

How many are your words upon the earth, You set the stars up in the sky.
You gave me everything I need to win this war. I don't need to beg or cry.

Stand Up, Turn around, stand your ground, Stand up, turn around, stand your ground.

Am I annihilated by my foe? Is this coup d'état my final fate?
But You said I am more than a conqueror,
No weapon formed against me shall prevail

It doesn't matter what I have it's how I use it. My sword unseen, a holy war I wage.
It only matters that I speak & so believe it,
With clean hands & heart & mine, You'll engage....

A shepherd's boy s sling took Goliath down .Joshua's faith brought Jericho's walls down.

posted by anita ferrer, asbury park angel on 11/15/2008

Breathtaking God's Artistry Cracked Vessels Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

No gig has been more impacting on my life then my performances at Universal Rehabilitation in Livingston, NJ. I had no idea about the signifigence of meeting and getting to know the very special and courageous individuals of Universal.

The online Craigslist ad simply stated that musicians who loved people were were sought to perform for clients with serious head trauma and physically challenged. The pay was small, but the reward would far outweighed the drive and the effort spent. I knew Livingston to was at least an hour and a half from my former home in Bradley beach. I would have to add another hour of traveling time from a south western New Jersey.

When I finally met Robert Greco, administrator at the end of my first concert there, I found administrator Robert Greco, to be a gracious and warm man who really cared about thE clients. . I was also surprised that the clients were very receptive to my performance and interaction with them. The connection and direct eyes contact told me that they enjoyed having me there and that I too cared. and offered hugs and postcards of my music sites.

A "Welcome Anita" banner greeted me as I entered the Universal courtyard during my second visit. The staff attendant rolled in the wheel-chair bound clients as I unloaded and set up my equipment. The client's smiles and clapping energized me and I couldn't help but sing my heart out, temporarily bringing them to a more uplifting and kinder place in time, before their trauma.

Certain faces become more familiar each time I was scheduled. Danny, in particular was the cheerleader and screamed out loud, "Yeah...the Asbury park Angel, give her a big hand". Danny was one of the few who was able to walk with a cane and was very cognizant. At times our musical focus was distracted by one or two in great discomfort and screaming obscenities out loud. An attendant would have to restrain or quiet these troubled individual and when they were finally wheeled out, we all just continued as if nothing happened. The two-hour long ride home always sobered me about the fact of my on God-given ability to enjoy the full use of my appendages' and mental faculties.

I often wonder how these people are able to enjoy their lives in such a capacity. How do they cope with their inability to take care of themselves and do even the simplest of personal tasks. I would soon forget about this scenario and go on with my usual activities, but my most recent visit, though hit me like a ton of bricks.

I noticed a young man in his wheelchair. His lips moved as I sang some of the popular top 40 favorites. As a made my way around "Universals outside court yard, I noticed him and stop in front of him, mailing eye contact. Afterwards, my equipment packed and ready to drive home, the young man started cursing repeatedly. I was very troubled as he continued. The attendants were occupied bring the other clients back to inside. I asked one head attendant if the young man was new and what was wrong. She told me that he'd been there a long time, was a young man who was a Christian and was very bitter. I asked more questions about the other clients and she told me that they weren't allowed to discuss the private medical information of the clients. None the less, the attendant did say that the young man was born normal as most of the others and that only a small fraction were born disable. I was floored because I thought all were severly handicapped at birth.

I diverted my attention back to the crying young man, still spewing obscenities. I felt oppression coming from the young man and felt led to pray and lay hands on him. He continued to cry out. It looked as if he could only turn his head slightly and felt even more urgent and addressing his spiritual need. I had to leave the young man with a special touch from God and an word of hope.

"Would you like me to pray with you?" I asked him. His hand was tucked tight beside him and I noticed that he couldn't even move his hands. I hurried to my truck to find one of my CDs and returned with a smile. I noticed a tear falling from his eye and he seemed to eye me with curiosity. I could sense he was in anguish and laid my hand on his shoulder. I encouraged him to trust God. "The Lord will make all the bad things come together for good." I sensed he was becoming calm and paid close attention as I spoke to him to be patient and that God cared about every detail of his life.

This event was one of the most spiritually moving moments I ever had and now more than ever I felt urgently about God's people reaching out in love and power. There were victims of serious accidents and drug overdoses that needed to know that there is healing and restoration.
I will never be the same after this discourse. There are needs everywhere that the church is Not meeting. I believe God is going something special for this young man.

My impression of Universal is that these are God's special people with special destinies. Whenever I perform " I Believe I Can Fly" I see my Universal friends as flying with wings as eagles. This is their destiny. Their wheelchairs are only temporary impediments. It is the love of the Godly attendants, the certified rehabilitation trainers and the expertise Of Robert Greco's amazing staff.

I am simply astounded at the experience God has blessed me with at Universal Rehabilitation, Livingston and Long Branch, New Jersey. I am honored to be accepted as family and hope to spread the word about the ignored segment of this population.

I thank You Robert for entrusting me this amazing opportunity to serve God's children in my capacity of music and encouragement.

posted by Anita Ferrer on 11/02/2008

ALL IN A NIGHT"S WORK Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)


How do you respond to the guest of a private party customer who says, Take your clothes off?

I was hired to provide music for a 25 year wedding anniversary celebration gathering an upscale restaurant. Roxanne is a waitress and a lovely woman at a restaurant that I performed at many times. Hubby & her pastor even gave a anniversary prayer near the end of the night. I just finished "Let It Be" on my acoustic and a sloppy-looking overweight, rowdy man joined in the clapping, "Encore, Encore", he said, "Now take your clothes off",

Now you know me, I have a habit of being defensive because of my background of abuse and disrespect from some of the men I've had relationships. I have a "Hot" button, some of you may have noticed and when someone gets rude or ignorant with me, my German bloods starts to boil. I'm too old and have paid TOO many dues to have bull crap thrown at me. Hubby is the same way...eating TOO much crap all our lives tends to make us touchy. That's how "I Keep Falling" was inspired.

Anyway, I turned around a faced him with a slight smile, "I don't think Hubby would appreciate that. He's been known to take on guys 300 pounds over you..." Mark was no where to be seen & I was P.....When we finally got home after 1:30 a, I told him about the discourse.

"What?!" he responded furiously. "He's lucky I wasn't around to hear that. Now how would the Lord expect a Christian husband to respond to that fat...?" When Mark did sound for the rock acts years ago, many fat sloppy drunk, arrogant or biker types would harass him for his slim build & waist length hair, "Hey Fabio, get over here" they would crack & a few would invite him out to the parking lot. He wasn't intimidated in the least even though they were 5 inches taller and 300 pounds.

It goes with the territory, but what is the appropriate response in still keeping ones Christian witness? Mark was surprised that it happened in an elegant place & with an older, conservative church couple.

Anyway, I was blessed to get to sing a few songs on guitar at the THEO's Tavern right down the street where Mark insisted I give a CD to the manager who I introduced myself to. He was very cool about me being a girl, loved my singing with Charlie the guy entertaining for the night, (who happened to be using his laptop for his tracks). Someone posted a thread about using a laptop?

He booked me for a date! God is good. I guess the Lord worked it out for me

posted by anita ferrer, asbury park angel on 10/25/2008

OUR BODIES, OUR PRISONS Journal Entry: May 27, Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

I'm back at the Lifeline Center, driving like a maniac down east 571, from Mount Holly to pick up my dental x-rays from my dentist who is now my former. Since my first visit with new Dr Piela, holistic dentist, last week and have researched the toxicity of mercury fillings as the cause of perhaps most of my health maladies the past ten years, I've taken steps to sleuth any thing that may have contributed to the Distinia. The outcome of Dr Piela's work is the correction of my bite which was off and a filling. I decided to leave the last tiny mercury filling alone as it may have caused bigger problems. So now the too and bite situation has been addressed.

Last night was another night of poor sleep and waking up, restless at the crack of dawn. I felt an itch on my thigh which started a scratching frenzy for the next half an hour. My nails on my right hand finally had some length and I used them to their fullest potential. I could not stop and soon felt bumps and welts all over my body. Hives was here to stay! Come morning, my legs were bright pink and hives covered my body. I was totally disgusted/

Yesterday, I've researched about mercury and amalgam fillings on a detailed web page.. Cilantro was medically documented to be one of natures few substances to adhere to the mercury and pull it out of the body. It made sense now that even after spending so much money on Thyroid supplements and iodine, my hair nails were still brittle as dry bones and despite confessing my healing every day for the past several years, nothing seemed to change. I couldn't understand why I was still severely fog-brained. I suffered staggering fatigue and was ice cold all the time.

Everyday, I'm decreeing the healing scriptures over my life, but the molasses rate of improvement has me very disheartened. Each time someone asks me how I am doing, I pause and cringe. Do I tell them the truth or do I explain the miserable details negating what God has decreed in His word. Many nights when I'm tossing and turning, I think about all the people in the world suffering from horrendous maladies which greatly hinder the momentum of their lives and happiness. Hard to believe I'm a child of God for 25 years and I'm no better off physically than when I was just starting out in life. Back then my nickname was "Smiley" Can you imagine, me, feeling so good, I was smiling all the time!?.

I'm really tired of explaining my long periods of isolation to friends and family.and the burden of paying for natural doctor's visits and supplements. It's been over 6 months since the dentists work and a year and a half of this Distonia problem. I pray each day that I 'll wake up the next morning and my throat will be normal. I can only imagine what people with Parkinsons and serious cases of Distonia must suffer. Although every chronic ailment is miserable, nothing could top having pain or discomfort or the body convulsing 24/7. I'm trying just about everything presented on natural health websites just to get some relief. I know God wants me to be healed, but if He chooses to heal me instantly by His own hand or slowly by herbs a mystery. That is the daily challenge live day by day expectantly when all I can think about is falling into sleepless oblivion for just 8 hours.

I pray for Eric, Stephen & Tawana and Sue who also have to suffer daily pain and discomfort. Satan has taken a gift God gave us, our own bodies to be our enemies which we cannot escape. All we can cling to is that God will never give us more than we can handle! We must cling to His word as our life rope and hope. That is all we have. We are so thankful to have patient spouses who understand and help us so much. Mark is my best friend and I am grateful for his love and support. God bless our spouses.

posted by anita ferrer, asbury park angel on 09/27/2008

WORSHIPPING in TRUTH & in SPIRIT Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

The "Worship & Truth Thread on the forum made me ponder my own worship experience with my Abba Father. I connect with Him only when I am MOST weak and emotionally/spiritually fragile.

Psalms 34:18 "The Lord is nigh unto them of a broken heart & saves such as them with a broken spirit."

When I break free from tangible stuff, the daily grind of housework, practicing guitar, cleaning litter boxes & even routine Religious duty, (bible reading obligatory prayer). He draws me to His throne room of grace, holiness and I'm so aware of my deep spiritual poverty.

While worshiping just yesterday, I wrote a new song in less than an hour. This distonia and diarrhea situation has caused me to be very impatient and constantly frustrated. I'm sinning and complaining many times during the day & quickly ask God's forgiveness. I cry out, "I keep Falling, LORD!"

That title prodded me for weeks & just yesterday afternoon, I finally started strumming a riff. Here are the lyrics:

I keep Falling September 18. 2008
In and out of lucid deception.
The old man keeps creeping in.
He doesn't know how much I hate Him,
Cause he keeps me tethered to my mortal sin.

This tug of war has spanned the decades,
But I'm staunch in my convictions.
You've told me many times that on my freedom there's no condemnation or restrictions

But I keep falling,
Falling far from you.
I keep falling, turning black and blue
I keep falling, falling far from you. I keep falling.

So once I again. I lay here prostrate
Begging for a holy cure.
But these wounds of shame keep reappearing,
Am I still saved? Right now, I'm not so sure.

So I press on in perseverance,
Call upon your name and wait for You.
You send reinforcements, my holy angels.
I'm so empowered, reignited thru & thru

Whenever I'm falling, Falling far from you.
Whenever I'm falling, turning black and blue,
Whenever I'm falling, Falling far from you.
Whenever I'm falling, you pick me up. I follow thru.

In this game of war, You are my final trump,

posted by anita ferrer, asbury park angel on 09/19/2008

OBITUARY, Legacy of Love Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

This months FAN FAVES song, "Obituary" is dedicated to my 7 deceased and cherished loved ones/confidants. I lost my best male Friend, Greg in 2002. We were as close as a married couple and we were best friend for 18 years. Greg died from a massive epileptic seizure after his doctor changed his medicine. This was my first experience with loosing a cherished loved one. The next year, I lost my ministry kitty-calico, Baby-Bay, who was 16 when she died of her cancer tunour that spread to her tiny lungs. She loved letting little children fondle her, car rides and stood guard with my tips jar every Sunday afternoon while I performed at Starbucks. She was like a baby daughter and I was devastated when God didn't heal her. I plan to write a children's book, "The Adventures of Adorable White Calico, Baby-Baby" some day! Pictures of this little character can be seen here on my Indie heaven pics album.

The very next year my spiritual uncle and mentor, Keith, a beautiful 65 year-old black gentleman confessed to me that his tests showed terminal cancer of the stomach. That was a blow that took me by surprised. Keith died less than 3 months later.

Not even a year later, another older black gentleman/musician, Art was so impressed about my talent that he asked me to be his duo partner and gig all over the tri-State Jersey area. He had great contacts with club managers and had his own business. He was multi-talented playing bass, keyboards, guitar and sang lead. He also had a humble spirit and was a true servant! I received a disturbing email that art had died of a massive heart attack while playing his keyboards at a gig I was supposed to duet with him! I had been booked already a few days before he asked me. I was devastated yet again at losing another person who so respected my talent and friendship.

The next year, I lost my guitar/songwriting partner, Chuck at the young age of 38. Chuck befriended me after hearing me sing at a church coffeehouse & fell in love with me. Though we never cemented a romance, We stayed best friends. Chuck, covered for me for major showcases, did session work at no charge & planned to make some big waves in the music industry. Chuck also hired me to teach voice and guitar at his studio, Rising Star. I never knew how serious his Lupus was, until, I received a phone call from his studio manager that he had committed suicide and died in the back of the woods behind his studio.

Most people's faith would be shaken to the core. And few people have any idea of the grief and damage losing so many loved one's every consecutive year can do to a person's immune system.

I almost lost my most beloved hero, my father, Papito) last year. It was touch and go during the same time I was diagnosed with a strange condition called distonia.

"Obituary" was written while in collage as I was reading random obituaries in the Asbury Park Press. I always pondered the depth, uniqueness and many colors of people's lives that are rarely described in the short paragraphs of the daily newspaper. I wrote my poem, Obituary and it became a song when I picked up the guitar five years later, (after only playing only three months)!

God has truly gifted me. I never asked to be a songwriter or musician. I know it was something He wanted me to develop and share with those I met in my travels. I pray after listening to "Obituary" that your desire would be to be God's instrument and vessel of kindness to all you meet. Jesus was a legacy of love and I believe Obituary accurately details the role we should all embrace and be remembered by after our last chapter is written in His book of life!

posted by anita ferrer, asbury park angel on 09/12/2008

POLICE HARRASSMENT!!! Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

After a beautiful and spiritually uplifting evening last night at the open mic & another wonderful time with Jesus on my deck this morning, I was not expecting to fall into the valley of humiliation tonight after leaving Staples office store.

A policeman must have been in a bad mood as he tailgated me from Staples Office store onto Route 35 in Ocean Twp, (where I lived and served broken women for 15 years). I'd lost patience with an arrogant clerk about having to yet again return a brand of ink cartridge & wanted just to get home to my warm tub. (Since hubby & I live in the sticks, anywhere we need to shop or get supplies is always at least 45 to an hour of driving in BAD traffic which really aggravates my throat/nerve disorder).

Before I new it, the police offer had two other patrol cars blaring there bright lights. I started to tremble, needing to get to a toilet VERY badly,(LOL). Seriously!

He got snappy with me & asked what was wrong? I said I had a health problem & was eager to head home, away from the horrendous stressful crowds of Staples store & the traffic congestion. Then he asked me for my papers. "Where are you coming from?" I repeated, "From the Staples, attempting make color copies from my ministry brochures?"

He made me wait for 10 minutes while he was at his patrol car. My neck & throat started to contract and he asked to step out of my pick-up. I was getting very upset and also my stomach started to go haywire.

"What's wrong with you? Why are you fidgeting? He ordered me to stick out my tongue and stick it upward. I felt so dirty and humiliated. I told him again, that I've been suffering for a year & a half about a neurological disorder and he was making me very nervous.

Back up officers arrived, lights flashing like there was a drug arrest. The officer told me to get out of my truck and wait by the curb. I got woozy from my power walk at the boardwalk.

"Are you okay? The younger officer asked?"
"No, I feel weak & need to sit. He asked what was wrong. I said, "I may have a diarrhea situation here." He answered, "We can't you drive home then. I'll call an ambulance." He thought I said I had diabetes.

As I waited for the nightmare to end, (that started with my impatience with the snappy clerk), I asked God's forgiveness. "I don't need this and I have been through enough" were the thoughts running throu my mind as drivers lingered to laugh at a violator or drug addict.

Then the officer who pulled over, asked to see my brochures. I showed him the ministry stuff in my portfolio that I "supposedly made" at Staples.

"So why are you here?" he asked the third time. (I think I had a right to be anywhere in Jersey. This is a free country). The reason I pulled you over is because your license plates numbers are obscured and the paint is peeling off."

"What? I'll have to tell my husband about it....Officer, I've NEVER had ANY points on my license, have never been in any police trouble & have lived in this area for many years before I moved to my husband's house."

I'm heading home because I can't deal with Staple's long line & I don't feel well because of this situation, (distonia/Lyme Disease)." He walked again to his cruiser, while I prayed and asked God to give me peace. I wasn't going to be bitter or angry. I forgave him for his condescending attitude and unnecessary harshness.

Finally after 10 minutes & almost in tears praying for the officers, I felt led to ask the one if he went to church. Then, the main officer came back with a ticket. I felt God was showing me that the officer had some difficult things in his life and that I should pray for him. As he handed me the ticket, I asked him, "Officer, do you know, Jesus?"

He said, "Sometimes yes and sometimes not."

"It's yes or no? I asked" He seemed surprised that I confronted him so directly and quickly walked to his cruiser and drove away.

Honestly? I was very shaken and angry to be harassed. And to top it off, my sweet elderly Asian neighbor handed me a copy of our community paper that blared the picture of a man Mark & I have been ministering to for two years. He was arrested for impersonating an FBI agent. My favorite tiny cat became very ill over night. She must've gotten into something. She vomited all over our deck.

So how was your week?
Anyone else suffered police harassment?

I'm so upset and I covet prayers for my court date. I won't just pay the ticket and forget about it. This was an unusual case. Maybe God wants me to be a part of this officer's true conversion. When he gave a wishy –washy answer about knowing Jesus as his Lord and Savior....there is something amiss. I need your prayers for wisdom, what to pray for him specifically and what I will say to the judge on my court date.


As of this morning and coming back hme to Browns Mills, NJ calf is healing well!. I can't believe the depth and range of the teeth marks of that husky that bit me. Hubby & I discussed the actions I should take & we decided to trust God keep the wound clean. Since we both are into homepathy & natural healing, (and I'm overwhlemed with the burden of researching everyday for Lyme/spirocete herb formulas and stuff for this thyroid disorder), we felt led to not involve this Asian man in a lawsuit. There's just TOO much stuff we're dealing with right now. Mark & my energy resources are stretched beynd capacity and I need peace more than anything. ANY stress aggravates the muscles in my throat/neck.

Kitty Cutie has been through the grinder too, but she used her litter box for the first time in 5 days. Mark's had found a vet who did surgery cheaper than at the Jersey Shore emergency center, so he decided last night to cancel.

When we arrived back to our area, we stopped at our Pastor and his wife's house. They're cat lovers to and Justine prayed over Cutie and her condition. Then we headed for home and stopped to his parents house to talk to his aunt who is an animals specialist. i hurried home to take Cutie home for her antibiotic & rest. Right now, she's next to me & starting to get back her appetite. I laid hands on her last night and boldly commanded to blockage in her intestine to dissolve & told the enemy he had no more permission to attack or have any presence in our house, our health & cats!

Pics of Cutie and her sister are on my profile page & on site). I Plan on contacting cat calender, greeting cards and gift companies for my cat photography. Who knows what doors God will open with that gift.

posted by anita ferrer, asbury park angel on 09/10/2008

ALL THE AMMUNITION WE NEED! Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

Here is a special Prayer I put together while studying God's word and worshipping. Confessing powerful scriptures will keep many of us stuggling with health issue. I recommemnd confessing these powerful words when ever needed throughout the day.

I am a new Creation & more than a conqueror & He has given me dominion and authority through Jesus Christ. Satan is a defeated foe for Jesus took the keys of death, hell & sickness. By His stripes I am healed. I am new creation, old things have passed away. I pull down satan's strongholds, casting down my own regrets, arguments & thoughts to the captivity to the obedience of Christ. I am strong in the Lord & put on the whole armor of God. I can stand against the wiles of the devil

I have on my breastplate of righteousness, the shield of faith, the helmet of salvation & the sword of the Spirit. I can do All things through Christ who strengthens me & no weapon formed against me shall prosper. I am the head & not the tail as a king & a priest..
I'm not afraid, for God has given me a spirit of power, love & a sound mind. In Christ, I am a new a new creation. Old things have passed away.
By the confession of my mouth, death & life are in the power of my tongue. My God shall supply all my needs according to His riches & glory.

posted by anita ferrer, asbury park angel on 07/04/2008

Chiggers and Bronchitis Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

My journal entries land blogs very seldom deal with the glamour and glorification of great gigs with all their fanfare, recognition and prestigious articles in "Worship Musician" and "Guitar Player" magazines.

God has me in the muddy trenches of real life nitty-gritty, which for us vain and sometimes fragile women is very nasty! I lost two full weeks of productivity on my CD, Mod prophet, now going on two and half full years and almost no where near completion. I got bronchitis after working out in my front yard, battling heavy dandlelion infestation with my mighty pick-axe. The dirt and dust must have had bugs or parasites, for two days later while doing my seven-mile power walk in the 100 degree heat, I felt my lungs and sinuses clog up during my rehearsal with my conga player.

Amazingly, I breezed through my three hour coffeehouse gig at Calvary Lighthouse church with me belting powerful songs or worship and my originals. I paid for it, for the next day, I barely was able to get out of bed. By Sunday, the sputum was heavy and I was in for a long recovery. I had to lead worship for an outreach in Lakewod, NJ an drive up an hour later to Dayton for a restaurant gig. I was trusting in God for His strength because I sounded like a wounded alligator

So the week went slowly by and then while sitting worshipping by our lake, I found myself itching my legs like crazy. I though I had hives, but Hubby said, that chiggers had gotten to me. Most hunters get them and though not, dangerous, they can drive one nuts. So, not only have I been distraught about a 17 pound weight gain in the behind and hips, I now have to deal with heavy legs covered with hundreds of tiny bumps.

"Lord, I am beautiful in my spirit"...I keep saying out loud everytime I get out of the bathtub. The de-toxing process and results with losing the abnormal accumulation of poisons seems too slow. I keep rebuking the enemy and the spirit of obesity. The enemey seeks our weakest areas and hang-ups, trying to make me miserable about my appearance. All in the life of a Godly Christina woman/musicianary. It has been a great difficulty trying to find any clothes to fit for church or my restaurant performing gigs. For the first time in my life, I've had to lay down on my back to squeeze my sausage bulk into my size six jeans! How's that for getting older, LOL.

On a spiritual note, God is in control no matter what our battle or test. He will never give us more than we can handle and if we persevere, He will give us our reward. That is His promise.

posted by anita ferrer, asbury park angel on 06/28/2008

300 Pound and Wheel Chair Bound Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

The bulk-of-a-person in a wheelchair caught my eye as I rounded the bend. His eyes betrayed a certain dejection and he was drenched in sweat. I turned my truck around and asked him if he was okay.

"I've been waiting for an hour for the bus, " His limpid eyes pleaded. "You live right up the street from me...Can I get a ride?"

"Sure, can you get yourself up here? I can't lift you."

"Oh, no, I wouldn't expect you to lift me. I can get up." I watched in amazement as he lifted himself unto the front seat with the agility of a gymnast as I folded the portable wheelchair and put it in the back of my pick-up. During the ride, the smell of urine and body odor permeated, but I smiled as we drove the short distance to the strip mall of our town. I didn't care because Jesus didn't. I noticed that Jackie's legs looked abnormal and prayed that God would open his heart for prayer. Each day, I prayed for Jackie and soon my husband prayed for him, too.

From that day, I often gave rides to the young, black teddy bear of a man who's only joy was eating greasy McDonalds burgers. We became friends and each time I saw him waiting for his bus, I would offer him a ride. I chuckled that the cost was one of my sermons and a lecture on healthy eating. Mark often also gave him rides to the Acme. We were now the only friends of the town reject whose prison was his own wheelchair. My talks seemed to go unheeded for one day I noticed that one of his legs had ballooned to the size of a large pumpkin. We prayed for Jesus to intercede upon his bad circulation. Several months later, I reminded him that he was in dire straits due to his handicapp and that he desperately needed Jesus' help. I told him how much Jesus loved him. Tears filled his eyes as I led him to the Lord right in front of the grocery store and soon he attended the Methodist church in Browns Mills.

Just recently, Jackie had a terrible accident with his bowells. We heard him call out to us outside and Mark came out to see what he wanted. Jackie needed to use the bathroom to clean up and thankfully my husband assisted him to the lower floor of our home. Mark rushed upstairs for towels and I smelled some serious trouble. My stomache turned. Thankfully I was preparing to leave for a recording studio session. Mark would have to deal with Jackie. Several times Mark came upstairs for cleaning supplies and more towels. This was definately a man's job and I didn't interfere. My husband was humbly ministering in Jesus' love to a man who had massive health, hygiene and emotional needs. When I came home from the studio, the house smelled. Mark gave me details of his ministry session with Jackie. His eyes were misty,"God wants me to make up for my life of partying and selfish enjoyment.You've worked for 24 years to serve Him and now it's my turn."

I pray that we all will honor Christ through our unselfish and practical service. There's more to ministry than music and performing. Let us step out in faith and put our hands to the plow, getting dirty with the nitty-gritty of people's struggles. God is surely smiling when we do!

Please pray for Jackie for a major healing. Jackie called me yesterday afternoon devastated and shaken up. His mom called to tell him the doctors gave her a report that she had a silver dollar-sized cancerous lump on her back. Surprisingly, I also found out that she lives in north Jersey and isn't even home to help care for Jackie and is living with her Jehovah's Witness boyfriend who dislikes Jackie. I prayed with Jackie on the phone and sent out my "urgent prayer request email." What perfect timing that God placed Jackie in Mark's and my life!
UPdated news...
Jackie is still hanging ijn there with his leg. It has balooned even bigger & he wants so badly to have them ampuatated. They keep him awake at night and are dead weight. His dream is to be involved again with wheelchair baslet ball.

posted by anita ferrer, asbury park angel on 06/07/2008

WHEN DREAMS DIE.... Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

When Dreams Die

The hospital parking lot was filled again and I struggled to find a spot. When I entered Papito's room, my step mother greeted ne with a wan smile. He looked so small and frail under the covers of his hospital bed. My heart sank seeing tubes taped to his nose and mouth. Trying to make the visit uplifting, I shared about my exhilaration being outdoors delivering my phone books in the lovely spring weather. Daddy's stomach surgery was tough and left him even weaker, but he threw me a brave smile.

"Anita...." I have to be very patient."

I thought with dismay how grueling the tests were that God had given him over the years...and Papito eighty. He wasn't happy every time I visited him after any serious illness culminated in yet another surgery. I blessed God that I had strong legs and the feistiness of a German warrior. I refuse to lay down and accept disability, through Lyme Disease, Candida, Thyroid/adrenal disorder.

I gaze at Papito as he sleeps in his hospital bed...How quickly the years flew. It was only yesterday that he was a forty year old man in excellent physical shape to mount signs for his night job as sign painter a real estate mogul. He modeled love for work and resourcefulness, but that didn't prepare me for the transition into chronic degeneration. Aging, bodily weakness and death..

Most of my peers, beguiled by careers, music fantasies and ambition don't understand the scope of aging and diminishment, but God has given me some serious bones to gnaw with experiencing my own health struggles, those He's led me to minister at hospitals and particularly Papito's fragile surgery.

I've tasted the bitter aftertaste of not only physically diminishment, but also the demise of my aspirations. Because we planted, tilled and watered our gardens does not mean that they will bring about the harvest we expected. In some cases, God allows our gardens to wilt and die. It's devastating to those who God chooses to kill their hard-earned dreams. God chose Job and Joseph to be examples of dream-killing and they saw every part of their dreams die...Job, lost his harvet, cattle, family and even health. Sometimes, God wants to kill our baby and birth us a new one.

Pastor Sandra prayed over me a few months back, prophesying that God was doing a fresh new thing in my ministry. I was inwardly and deeply grieving over the seeming fulity of my music gifts. As she spoke, my wounded, bleeding heart humbly resigned to being heart-broken and disappointed about the axe that severed the roots of all my lifelong investment.

"How could God do this to me?" I'd cried again and again in prayer. I had no idea what to do with the multiple giftings He'd given me. "What would I do now...twiddle my thumbs in boredom?"I was getting less and less response from my Christian family and didn't know what was going on with my gift of writing and music. I was so used to going about my usual way of seeking gigs and support, in the usual way, from churches and brothers and sisters in the body of Christ.

When realization of Pastors Sandra's prayer finally crystallized, I realized that God wanted my gifting to go out into the byways, highways and non-church situations. Her prophesied was soon confirmed upon getting a request to speak to the young mothers of Spring House transitional program in Eatontown, NJ.

I just happened to be visiting the staff at Love in the Name of Christ when the project coordinator, Cher asked Carolyn, our Executive Director for my number. Carolyn was amazed at her timing, as my visits were very rare. I immediately made an appointment to speak and give a workshop to the young women who were badly in need of mentoring regarding re-entering the work force.

Being coordinator of my own program at Love Inc and being dynamic behavior modification counselor at Nutri-System to speak publicly, teach workshops and inspire.

When our dreams die...God wants us to decrease so that He can increase. Now I'm getting prepared for a new chapter in my life as a healed, transformed and dynamic speaker to the unchurched. It's going to be an amazing journey. Before long, I'll be myself again as I get into the swing of things.

posted by Anita Ferrer on 05/09/2008

OUT OF THE ASHES.... Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

"It's been a long road...24 years of active and faithful service." If asked if I'd take the easier road to God, I would have said no.

Out of the ashes...(for the third time in my life) I shall fly. There could be few things more devastating then having to start from scratch. Each time I advance a baby step, a grenade blows up in my path and I go back three steps. I've had to re-invent myself several times regarding my music, vocation, health protocol and even faith....each period is more challenging. my health collapsed with my Lyme diagnosis in "92. Six years to rehabilitate, but recording my first CD took my mind off my pain, poverty and suffering. Finally getting some momentum, I finished a second CD. Then the axe fell again. My heater in my apartment had spewed undetectable carbon monoxide for at least a half year. I almost died, but God wouldn't let me stop ministering at my position as Coordinator for Love In the Name of Christ, a Christian organization where I mentored young women entering the work force from the welfare roles. I loved serving God and His people. But demand for business attire diminished and I was downsized. I had served passionately for six years with my boutique/ministry. I felt unneeded and wanted as an old, used-up shoe. The devastation, though, caused me to strengthen myself in the Lord.

YET again & I proceeded to finish writing and recording my third CD, "One Small Warrior/Devotion" a work of thanks to God for His faithfulness to me over the past two decades. Sadly, I couldn't even present Him with an outstanding piece of work because I was as poor as a little drummer boy, (and recorded my tracks with a cheesey drum machine from the 90's). It was all I could afford. Though Chris and I poured our souls into the praise & worship jazz/folk/pop tunes, it just didn't cut it, (compared to these amazing and sophisticated Indie Heaven artistes!)

So, I tried again to make some changes, including completely revamping my sound and image. This time two axes fell and I reverted to staggering chronic fatigue, infections and severe clinical depression. Three strikes and you're out!!!

I think four CDs that went nowhere is enough to's time to move one. there is a devastating sadness at having investing so many resources, passion, time and dedication to a craft that is NOt wanted by our modern culture. I cannot compromise my pure conscience to mesmerize the masses or aggressively PR my "so called greatness"...never felt comfortable with tooting my own horn...") so I seek God's face each day for a new direction.

I have NO idea what I was supposed to do with talents in fashion & graphic design, art, poetry, painting, photography, writing. I am open to whatever He wants me to do,so I wait. I've made phone calls to women shelters, correctional facilities and prisons. thinking that perhaps God may want me to do prisons, rehabilitation facilties and hospitals. I'm no stranger to the ill and dying....

It is devastating to find yourself at the beginning again and again and especially having to contend with crippling illness for 17 latest enduring the exhausting and unbearable sauna detox protocol. very difficult...But I will rise again and out of the ashes I will fly like a PHOENIX. Has God put me on a shelf and forgotten me? Is He stretching me beyond my limits??? Is this the next level of faith??? Maybe yes to all three... Painful, lonely.

I'm seeking other avenues in the hopes of being productive for Him...I hope to find passion & fresh visions for my life...Doors seem to close my type of music, but I know He shall direct me.

posted by anita ferrer on 04/11/2008

NATURAL/ALTERNATIVE PREVENTAIVE HEALTH Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

I hear about all sort sorts of maladies, health crisis and chronic conditions. In any given week on the Indie Heaven boards, there are at least several people urgently needing prayer for themselves, family members or friends. God doesn't want us to suffer needlessly. The enemy wants to see us defeated and miserable. We are surprised & dismayed when hit with a condition or bronchitis, but illness & breakdown of the body should be expected living in this toxic planet..We don't take advantage of the knowledge and education Christian health practioners are putting out there. Why? Laziness and/or ignorance. I've said it before ignorance kills.

One of the greatest blessing and healing agents God has given us is herbs. Cat Claw (una de Gato), echinaceea and golden seal are immune enhancers for lung infections, colds, strep throat. Anti-biotics are the scourge of the immune system, but doctors rarely tell their patients the good gut bacteria must be replenished with pro-biotics. Candida and fungus proliferations come from fungal overgrowth. Parasites are another scourge that often is overlooked and the cause of immune disorders. Parasites and Candida often don't show up in with orthodox tests and people continue to suffer needlessly. People with Chronic Fatigue/Immune disorders and mono can get some relief from regular exercise, meditation and calcium/magnesium supplements before bedtime.

The body needs a break from the constant assault of chemicals & toxins which build up and clog the detoxifying organs, liver, gall bladder & kidneys. By the time an adult is in their mid-twenties, their organs have to be detoxed. Detoxing twice a year is absolutely essential for vibrant health. Doctor Schultze says that ALL disease starts in the liver from built up toxins. His products and strict detox protocols have saved terminally ill cancer, heart disease and HIV patients!.

Check out Another excellent resource is Dr. Sherry Rogers book, "Detox or Die" She herself suffered years from great bodily distress that led her to go on a quest to natural/alternative preventative health. Dr Mercola is another amazing doctor who has successfully treated patients with incredible health challenges. Check out these doctors and get a NEW lease on life.

God doesn't want you to continue in this sickness. For those inundated by terrible health, remember you are a threat to the kingdom of hell & the enemy knows it. My ministry is to the sick & broken & I'm here to impart as much of His knowledge & health wisdom i have to help you & others to walk in divine health. My own healing & recovery to divine health has been agonizingly SLOW, and like onion skins, one skin at a time, each layer reveals aonther cause to be dealt with. But.. I firmly believing that I AM HEALED by His stripes. It is an aggressive spoken positive confession continually to reveive the healing. This is a new strategy for most of us who have had nothing but one health crisis after the other. zfor some of us, this has been a chronic spiritual BATTLE.

I've been digesting some teachings about recieving HIS promise of divine health & healing. it's a tough challenge but i am determined to have a testimony & no longer be hindered by a myriad of sickness.


posted by Anita Ferrer, asbury park angel on 03/17/2008

WAKE UP CALL Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

Song in the Jungle
Sunday 7:50 am july 22, 2007

Concrete playground,
with no sound
all around,
because the voices have gone numb,
and the the blind, deaf and dumb
are the CEO's and the priests and the cops
and no one wants to stop
the machine,
to come clean.
so i whine as my spine
becomes spllintered
from the wear and the tear
of the glare..
of the blinding fun
of the crowds,
shouting loud,
to be heard for their lies.
They're just spies
seeking thunder
to plunder
the weak,
who can't speak.
but i will not smother...
the other
who has nothing,
and no one.

the massess will squander,
and wander,
get louder
and prouder
and the forest will echo with laughter
for ever after...
with evil.

But my voice will be heard,
like a bird
in the night
when the lights
go out....

posted by anita ferrer on 02/07/2008

THE ANTI CHRIST IS COMING Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)


Great insiduos developments are taking place unbeknownst to may of us here in America. Arguments prevail, but one truth remains, Jesus is coming soon and so is the anit-christ.
Our enemy is not the "amero" and the concept of the cashless society, it is the covert events which are already transpiring and ushering us to the "end times" prophesied via Revelation, the old testament prophets, Daniel, Joel, Ezekiel and Jeremiah. Ignorance abounds because of our apathy.
The Lord spoke to John on the Island of Patmos and said. (Rev.3:3) "to the church of sardis..."but if you do not wake up, I will come like a thief" and to the church of laodicia..." because you are lukewarm, neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth." Jesus said to be alert, having our lamps filled with oil, the Holy Spirit.
Paul, the Apostle in his epistle to the Thessalonians said, (2 thess 2:11), "God sent strong delusion that they may believe a lie"
Whether media sources are true or not, the FACT is what Jesus and Paul preached, (Romans 1:21-30), "Though they knew God, they glorified him not as God and their foolish hearts were darkened. God also gave them over to a reprobate also...were inflamed with lust for one another...committing indecent acts with one another"...all this has escalated into rampant sexual deviancy and many states have adopted homosexual marriage as equal to a man and woman in holy matrimony! Paul also talked about the escalating downspiriling of decency. "They are ruthless, boastful, God-haters and children are disobedient to parents." Mark often rails about the rudeness, precociousness & disrespect our youth have for us adults. Folks, this is a SIGN of the TIMES Jesus spoke about.
God gave me a vision of martyrdom a few nights ago which chilled me to the bone. For the past 3 nites, I've been awakened at about 3 o'clock by the Spirit to pray for alertness, for the salvation of those in our travels & for our missionaries around the world. I've felt very restless and spitiually unsettled lately and reminded of two separate visions I had several years ago. One was about some sort of tsunami/natural disaster and another about a mass grave & military planes. I was very shaken by the vision and the Spirit led me to the prophet Joel's prophesy in (2:28-29). I will pour out my spirit on all people & your sons and daughters will prophesy, your old men will dream dreams & your young men will see visions...even my servants..."
My thread on Indieheaven, the recent nightly awakenings and news reports about the "amero" have led me to further ponder and pray as I realize the latest political, financial and spiritual developments are weaving into the events spoken of in Revelation that will lead into an rapidly upcoming genocide. My research lead me to finding several excellent books on the subject. One I ordered, "A Century of Genocide, Utopias of Race and Nation." by Eric Weitz is chock full of narratives and analysis describing the many episodes of genocide during this 20th century.
We have forgotten Idi Amin's diabolical reign in Africa, the kiling fields of Khmer Rouge in Cambodia, the barbaric ethnic cleansing of Croatia, Kosovo and of course the Hitler's holocaust of Nazi, Germany.. Why and how could genocide happen in this so-called enlightened age or this enlightened America? We americans are ignorant if we think this could never happen to us. America must be aware about electing leadership. America's constitution was founded on Christian principles and prayer, but some of today's candidates belief systems do not align themselves with our first fathers beliefs. We must carefully scrutinize any candidates background comprising Muslim values and ideologies. And we should also study about Islam and aquaint ourselves with their dogma. We do not know how these Muslim influences will affect and mold the future of our economy, religious freedom of worship and political direction once they get into office and granted great power. Our affluence and material comfort has numbed us to the realities of this possibilty and the gradual disintergration of our former strong Christian values as we knew them. We are for a big bang because right now, foreign missionaries are praying for America to experience revival through persecution!
9-11 was just a miniature sample and example of the genocide against the American people and a foretaste of which is to come, (the martyrdom of Christians during the tribulation and reign of the anti-christ).
After ordering my genocide book at "Border's," a white paperback's title caught my attention, "Letter to a Christian Nation" by Sam Harris. During our ride back home from church, I read some passages to hubby. The author's goal, through his book, is "to demolish the intellectual and moral pretensions of Christianity in its most committed forms."
"Who is this guy and what credentials does he have to make the statements about creationism, Christian faith, etc?" Mark interruppted. Sam Harris' first book, "A Breath of Fresh Fire" was on the best seller list. Secular authors with limited knowledge are pumping their works to beguile a culture! Here is where Paul's epistle prophesies that the truth and reality of the strong delusion has assailed and tainted America. Masses are beguiled by the lies of best selling authors, musicians and film makers, senators, leaders in all positions including, priests, law, the media's propaganda, etc, etc. That is the gist of my latest musical work, "Siren Song in the Jungle." The jungle is the world , possessed by the lost evil and their overthrow by Christ' true witnesses into eternity. The loving, transforming work of God's "true" peopel is the Siren Song.
How long will we be a "Christian nation?'' Tune in tomorow.

posted by ANITA FERRER on 02/04/2008

TRAMPLED Rose... Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

Journal entry:
Sunday January 27, 2008

In the mad rush of life, I sometimes find myself swept away by the unyieldeing, yet nessesary activities involving PR & booking & gigs, which can be draining and unfullfilling. Mundane, daily pressures and the myriad details accompanying them, pull me down God's mountain like an avalanche.
This past month has been one of those harrying ones. (Sorry Harry)
After hubby and I got home from a Friday nights restaurant gig and Saturday at a Christian coffeehouse, we thanked God for traveling mercies.The turn-out at the coffeehouse was very low, due to forecasts of an impending snow storm. Here in the boonies of Jersey, it takes alot to even get anybody to come out. Twelve people congregated, including the staff. "Perform as if your were onstage at the Madison Squre Garden, " I psyched myself to the dead group, singing my heart out and played my guitar with all the fervor of Paul, the apostle getting ready to be spilled as an offering. Throwing a glance at hubby seated nearby, I read his thoughts. The energy level in the cafe further diminished and by the second set I felt ignored, worthless and..dead.
Just the day before, reading "The Tongue, a Creative Force", riled me up. I was excited with this new- found principal of confessing God's wonderful promises and words with expectancy. At times, I can vacilate in my faith. This is a challenge for hubby and I as we struggle into wellness. I just wanted to go homke and snuggle with my two kittens. The audience's lack of response sapped even more of my energy. As we left the parking lot, I couldn't help letting a gripe slip, "I'm never playing there again."
Hubby looked at me. I zipped my lip and vowed to God to always thank Him for His goodness and provision, no matter how boring a gig or what was happening in my life. My bedtime prayer lately has been. "I will bless you in ALL circumstances and Lord, let me b a blessing to someone everyday. During the quiet ride home, Hubby read my spirt and looked at me."You know, I don't think this is an attack on you. It's a test. Right.
Fast forward to today's Sunday service. Pastor from Calvary academy filled in for our vacationing Pastor Matt, expounding a message that penetrated my physical and spiritual fatigue. That morning Pastor asked his 8-year old son to pray for him about speaking what God would have him to speak."Okay Dad, the bible says that God would kill the false prophet who gave a false message" the mouth of babes. As Pastor went deeper into the meat of the message, I pondered more deeply the meaning of my difficult year struggling with my jaw & neck muscles disorder that was improving "all two slowly" as well as the detained harvest of my 17 year ministry
"Valuing" the presence of God" is deeper than knowing that God is always with us, pastor stressed. We "value" things in our lives...some value trivial sports information, some careers, some we "value" God's presence. (and he didn't even have to yell).
We're all on the same rocky, uphill journey. Some backpacks are heavier for some, because focus is on the weight of the burden. When the quietly-content traveler gazes at the SON's light, his burden lightens. I felt lighter as I imagined Jesus comfort me, "take my yoke upon you for my burden is light." I was drained with the past year's hospital visits, tests and the past several weeks of Momentum PRing, emails and phonecalls.
My eyes started misting as pastor called the youth worship team to play "I Surrender all. "By now, my mascara flowed with tears of longing and hunger from many days away from my Abba Father's presence.
It doesn't end here. Pastor invited us to approach the altar for prayer or salvation. Still weeping, I approached him for for prayer, briefly baring my soul to him about my difficult past year. I thanked him for being obedient to God and speaking God's own word just for me. As he prayed, I felt God's comforting love. I need to "value" my time with my Abba father. Driving home after the service, my weight lightening as sang to "Trading my Sorrows. Next came "Above All" and to top it all off, weeping overcame me again, (it happens everytime I hear "like a rose trampled on the ground, you took the fall, you thought of me...above all)
Wow...he looked into each one of our eyes and heart...individually, dying alone, and rejected. That price He paid..alone Because of this....He is worthy to be valued.

posted by anita ferrer, asbury park angel on 01/27/2008

Students are studying about evolution Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)


Wayne Monbleau, an evangelical leader and pastor, states that God created us to be human beings and not human doings. He elaborates that being and communing with the living God is the highest form of existence. Many spiritually evolved people do attain a certain degree of inner peace and emotional stability through diligent meditation and discipline.
Buddha and other religious icons preach against having ambition, as it breeds a materialistic, greedy and self-centered society. According to these two religious icon's ideologies, there are movers-shakers and there are "be-ers."
Jesus Christ influenced our world through His simple and sacrificial life. He also denounced wealth, self-gratification and greed. He certainly, in no wise sought fame, fortune or had any ambition other than to do His Father's will; reconcile humanity to the divine Creator and Father of mankind. That was a very long time ago, but His divine influence changed a way of thinking and way of life forever.
We laugh at the Flinstones cartoons depicting the prehistoric life. Images of the caveman, who communicated with grunts and snorts, runs around to hunt in animal skin coverings. Over the millennium, mankind has made astounding progress in every arena.
Throughout history, geniuses and free-thinking men and women have influenced their societies with their unconventional and outrageous theories. Most have taken their inspiration to the invention stage, painstakingly and persistently perfecting until their invention was successful. Thank God for Thomas Edison, Albert Einstein, Alexander Graham Bell and Booker T Washington for without them our world would be a lot different. These incredible inventors not only were but exercised their gift of doing.
I ponder the times before electricity, combustible engines and vaccines were the norm. How did society manage? Life must have been awful and full of drudgery. But if we think about it, the people knew no better and just lived their lives, making the best of what was.
In the twenty-first century, we have advanced to epic proportions in the fields of medicine, travel and communication. We are considered a highly evolved society with our scientific break-throughs and space travel.
If an alien leader were to scout out our planet, he might be surprised to find that in spite of all our material and tangible progress, we are still primitive. Perhaps he would not think as highly of our so-called advances and he probably might ascertain that we have neglected to achieve abso-lute control over our mental, moral and spiritual faculties.
There is worldwide chaos and disunity, prejudice and oppression. A mindless slaughter rages all over our harried planet. Terrorists stalk and pillage vulnerable victims in African nations. The militant group blazes terror as they cut through the countryside, hacking off their victim's limbs. In our own nation, murder of the unborn continues at an alarming rate.
The atheists and non religious rebel and reject the constricting dogma of the religious folk saying it denies them their freedoms to do whatever they want. So goes the saying truth is whatever seems right to a man or woman. Supposing we could do whatever we wanted? What would our world be like? I am sure that existing in a world like this would be a bizarre and devastating experience.
If we were all given the freedom to do whatever we wanted, there would be chaos and anarchy. There would be those who relish rioting, immorality, murder and thievery. There would also be a majority that desire peace and order. These two opposites cannot abide together in harmony.
If all of us just sat around and meditated all day for the rest of our lives, nothing would get done. There might be enlightenment, but there would be no societal evolution. If everyone were scientists, artists and inventors, there would be no farmers, ditch diggers or builders doing mundane, but very necessary work.
To be or not to be. To create or to meditate. For everything there is a reason and a time. A time to plant and a time to reap, a time for war and a time for peace. All good gifts are from God to be received with thanksgiving. Live and let live, but let your lifestyle and being inspire others to evolve. To evolve means to develop or to achieve gradually.
Have we truly evolved? We war and have not the things which we desire because we cannot control the unbridled lust of our carnal desires. Material wealth and scientific advancement is not the answer to our downward societal dilemma. And neither is religion for it is a manmade fortification to keep the people in line.
What mankind needs is to evolve spiritually and to acknowledge the reality that their evil deception is a lie. When evil is embraced and carried out, there is never true joy or fulfillment. for eventually it comes to sorrow and retribution. What comes around goes around. Evil's side effects will one day come back in all of its horrendous repercussions and only then will the perpetrator come to the understanding of his error.
What the world needs is love, the love that Jesus Christ demonstrated. We don't need religion or politics to be our guide. We need the "be-ers" and meditators to reveal their wisdom. We need to allow the inventors and artists to create and better our society. We need the leaders to lead and we also need followers. Without all this individualism, there can be no evolution. What we need are true leaders who are empowered with tough love, who can influence and change the world. We must stop criticizing and nitpicking and start looking at ourselves. We become our best when we stretch our imaginations and press forward in our efforts to contribute to a better tomorrow. We are the evolution if we choose.
Choose Love.

posted by anita ferrer, asbury park angel on 12/04/2007

VALLEY OF THE DRY BONES...EZEKIIEL Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

Journal Entry, November 25, 2007
Valley of the Dry Bones

"Ow"...My jaw joint cracked as I opened my mouth slightly to eat a bite of my apple. When was I going to be able to chew hard foods, open my mouth normally and be as I was? The doctors still couldn't figure out what was causing my weird distonia-type condition. My throat muscles uncontrollable tightening and convulsing seemed to worsen and I was tired of being patient and waiting on His healing. Life and time was passing me by and I was missing out on being active for God.
For the past seven months, each morning angry, resentful and disappointed thoughts filled my mind. I was even disgusted that I couldn't maintain my joy and patience. My faith walk and heart was parched like the valley of dry bones that the prophet Ezekiel spoke about. Was this to be my end?
"Can God make this dry valley alive again?"
I was joyless and miserable that I couldn't even enjoy the last pleasure, eating the few foods left in my special diet. Any vigorous chewing would set off incredible pain in my jaw joints. I lost my sense of taste because of ingesting Splenda Sweetener and NutraSweet for several years in the past. My first cup of morning coffee had long lost its delight. On top of that, I would soon have to fast and detox my organs. I had no idea how to get myself out of the mess my body had become from all the toxic damages incurred from various treatments and poisonings. I was at my wits end.
I turned over, groaning as the alarm went off, feeling feverish and exhausted. I ignored my bodily aches and got dressed. On route to church, my mind resisted, thinking how tired I was. I was late for service again, but glad to be with God's people and in His presence. Pastor Matt shared a few comments about veterans day and then launched into Jesus announcement to the Temple teachers. "Come unto me...all that thirst"......
My throat muscles began its usual tightening and I began to get annoyed and distracted. I could barely concentrate as I did deep breathing to relax them, but managed to hold on to every word . Pastor Matt preached. The message became more impassioned as the sermon continued. After about an hour, The Holy Spirit was tugging at my heart and Pastor Matt urged us to press forth. God was speaking to me through this Sunday morning message. In my mental and spiritual struggle to dig deep to expose my parched roots for hydration, I asked Jesus to help me. My health malady and so many doctor and hospital visits had sucked me dry and I felt empty, broken and disgusted. My devastation and bafflement at having to begin again at square one for the umpteenth time in my 24 year faith journey was a an almost impenetrable barrier that was hindering me from God's tender love and healing. I convinced myself that God hated me and my unspoken sobs were inaudible and ignored by Him..
Regardless, 24 years of Bible reading could not keep me from His freeing truth and I grappled for some hold on something that would lift me out of my deep pit. Though I even lost interest in reading the Bible, God led me to Ezekiel's vision where he was told to looked upon the valley and where his faith was being stretched. Before His very eyes, the bones clicked together, sinew wrapped itself around the skeleton and skin covered.
With a spoken word, God's breath bought to life thousands of long-dead warriors who were just minutes before dry bones!
Many months...and years... anguishing and mourning over the losses of several confidants, my sole supporters who died suddenly, my beloved 16 year old calico's death, being homeless and scorned so many times and most of all the loss of my health, caused my heart to become like the dry bones of this barren valley. I cried that the thousands of dollars in medical bills could have been a down payment for my own house or at least for the needy
Like poor Job, Satan had robbed so much of my life and each year of my life, that vacuum ever deepened. Even the words of faith spoken by well-meaning Christians and my pastors neglected to comfort me and I felt they couldn't understand my all-encompassing sorrow of being a failure and rejected trash. Only those who have suffered inhuman abuse and neglect can understand. Suffering comes in different degrees to different people.
Baggage accumulate and unconscious remorse clouded my every waking thought, growing a stronghold so powerful that even God's promises had little effect. I couldn't shake the perspective that I was somehow tainted and God Himself baptized me in inferiority and constant devastation. A lie from the father of all lies.
I remembered Jesus discourse about the sower who planted seeds. Ones seeds grew quickly and he rejoiced, but when the cares of the world came, the seed was choked and died. No! I would not allow adversity to kill my faith nor to fail my Master no matter what evil circumstances and injustices assaulted me in my past.
I turned on my computer this morning. My eyes fell upon my Scripture studies file. The opening title "The battle belongs to the Lord,"jumped out at me. His healing balm was breaking through. It must have been prayers of my spiritual family and my own disgust at living so long imprisoned by the powerful chains of Satan's lies. We former victims of extreme domestic violence and child abuse often find that the only way to freedom is lassoing every thought continually through speaking aloud God's emancipating truth. Women and girls need to understand these principles to survive abuse and grow.
I'm grateful to have finally receive in my spirit Romans 4:17. God, my hope... gives life to the dead and calls those things that do not exist... as though they were!. He promises to restore His broken people to emotional spiritual and physical health.
God promised to give a new heart and a new spirit to those in captivity through His prophets.
Ezekiel, (11:19) and Jeremiah, (24:4). Even in the decrepit state, His people were to be replanted and restored. I'd read these promises many times. Why it's taken so long to be a part of me, I don't know. But now that I apply the liberating and comforting that I can now nip the very thought in the bud and start incepting new godly perspectives.
As I take a hold of His life rope, it becomes more and more real each day. Another onion skin has been peeled away. Amen.

posted by asbury Park angel, anita ferrer on 11/25/2007

35 MINUTES TO NUCLEAR TARGET Subscribe To My Blog (RSS)(Click this icon to Subscribe)

Journal Entry, October 29, 2007

The soldier stumbled like a drunkard, wrapped in a stripped blanket to his where or, and water could be found. He gazed last time at the now-leveled remains of his beloved home town. White ash continued to fall from the sky as he made his way to a refugee camp where hundreds jostled desperately for a ration of food a team of military men were handing out.
Such is a scene from the movie, "The Day After" aired on the Sci Fi channel and one of the most important I've ever seen. Liner notes at the end of the movie quote that every person in every nation should watch , "The Day After"as it was an account of what would happen in a nuclear attack.
Missiles launched at our beloved nation from Russia or China would give us around thirty minutes before our town or city would be annihilated. What would we do when those sirens blare? Most of us don't think about this horrible possiblity, but we are heading for catclysmic catastrophes as prophesied in the Book of Revelation.
When I was single two years ago, I rented an artist's loft at the Jersey shore, six blocks from the ocean. The salty air and undulating waves soothed my spirit and enabled me to focus on my intercessorary prayers. I also asked God to give me a home far away from the ocean which would one day sweep away my small beachside town.
We're enjoying peace right now here in America, but many nations and peoples are not. We're on the brink of catastrophic cataclysms and an event like the tsunami which devastated countless Asian shores and swept away many thousands of people in one swath is inevitable. I remembered reeling in shock the day after Christmas seeing the vast numbers of souls in a moment swept away to their watery graves. Their destiny was sealed. Where did they go and how many met Jesus on the other side?
God did answer my prayer about moving away from the shore, but now now I share a home with my husband 15 minutes from Fort Dix in South Jersey, a sure target for a nuclear attack. Mark teases me about what I'll do when those siren blare. I answer that I'll take off on my bicycle heading northwest with my 2 kitties in the basket and ride as fast and far away as I can. All joking aside, I'd start making some phonecalls and urgently intercede for my many unsaved loved ones and friends. Quite a few would most likely be blasted to their destiny and most likely it won't be into Abraham's bosom.
I pray that the church, Christ's bride would wake up before that final "Wake Up" call shakes us out of our apathetic stupor. (Rev.3:14-22) John charges the lukewarm church of the Laodiceans, "I know your works, that you are neither cold nor hot...I, (the Lord) will vomit you out of my mouth...he that has an ear, let him hear." I need to see apocalyptic movies every now and then to remind me of "The Mission." Quite often, many of us get caught up in our own worldly, physical, (and however worthy ministry endeavors) and forget about the lost..
What will you do when the sirens start wailing?

posted by Anita Ferrer, asbury park angel on 10/29/2007